Author Topic: A trivial misunderstanding  (Read 3182 times)

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Offline freespirit

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A trivial misunderstanding
« on: August 13, 2014, 03:10:04 AM »

One of the reasons I visit a site like this is because I really don't have an outlet in my private life. My friends  are so happy, have wonderful families and spouses, and when everything  appears, at  least from the outside, as story book perfect relationships,…I have problems opening up to them and  telling them how much I hurt.

In my case, my husband is not my confidant. It seems whenever I open up to him, reveal my sadness…he says the wrong thing every time. He always makes it worse. He has no compassion whatsoever.

For example: This weekend, my son planned to spend an overnight, because he had some business to attend to in our area. I was so happy to have him over, and simply have a good time with him.  Well it didn't take 10 minutes.., when all hell broke loose and he  fled from our home, slamming the front door behind him.

It was a total stupid misunderstanding on his part.  It was about the fact that we were invited to his house two days ago. It's a three hour drive…strenuous, because of all the traffic. Anyway, after just 40 minutes,  he asked us to leave, because  their new born baby was crying,  and  he said it was because  too many people were there….whatever…..So, we told him we understand, and climbed back into the car, to fight our way back through the traffic.  Okay that's the background…  now  fast forward, our son is sitting at our kitchen table digging into the pizza, when he  said it was good that we had left. (others with loud children left as well, …but that's beside the point.)  Anyway I agreed, saying it was probably too soon to have so many visitors over, and that  his wife  may  also need more quiet. I then said, it's a shame that they live so far away, because spontaneous visits  aren't really possible. After all, for us, it's a long car drive. With that… my son started yelling at me, telling  me I'm egotistical, and what do I expect…him to move closer or something! All the while…my husband sat there and nodded in agreement, rolling his eyes, and confirming my son's statements.

I couldn't believe how he misunderstood me. I was simply stating a fact, that the distance was too far for short visits. That's all.

Well with a huff, he packed his pizza, and was gone.

And my husband?  After our son left, my husband got on me, accusing me of not keeping my mouth shut!

I have so had it.  What is with these men? They have totally misinterpreted my comment. And despite all my protests and trying to explain, which is ridiculous and demeaning, but I did…. Despite that, …. it landed on deaf ears. I am having a very hard time forgiving my husband for taking sides with our son. This isn't the first time;..it's the thousandth  time. I'm so tired of forgiving and moving on… I'm depleted.

So, I am venting to you again,…because putting this in print, and re-reading it… simply  is good for my soul. It is an outlet, and I thank you for listening.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline jdtm

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2014, 05:28:55 AM »
Quote
I then said, it's a shame that they live so far away, because spontaneous visits  aren't really possible.

I get your anguish and I get their mixed feelings.  What I have found (and I have two adults sons with families) is that they really don't like "spontaneous visits" even though the "other side" gets them.  The rules are different when the adult married child is a son (no one told me this; I had to figure it out on my own).  Frankly, I think you are lucky that you live so far away - we miss them more because of distance, but at least, we are less likely to "pop in" and cause trouble.  Because I have found (in my situation anyway), "popping in" was always a recipe for disaster.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2014, 05:49:25 AM »
Freespirit, just for fun let's suppose that you did ask him to move closer.  Would a normally balanced adult have packed up his stuff and left?  Would he have yelled and called you egotistical?  I think not.  Your son overreacted most likely out of guilt and your DH condoned it.  You should be really irritated at them both and you should tell them both that until they are willing to talk calmly and listen to what you say you don't want to talk to them.

Then you start spending your time making yourself happy!  Stop trying to 'fix' the problem because it is not your to 'fix', it is theirs!  So the real question right now is.....What do you really enjoy and how soon can you enjoy it? 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Lillycache

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2014, 06:31:37 AM »
I have nothing to add that you do not already know.   Your son behaved like a toddler, and your husband like Benedict Arnold.   It's frustrating when you say something in innocent conversation and it's turned and twisted into something not intended at all, especially when someone refuses to listen to the explanation.  Not much you could have done about it though...  It seems your son was looking for anything at all that he could "take" the wrong way.  You could have told him the sky was blue and that would have set him off.     IMO... there is no excuse for how your husband behaved.  He's the one I would be super angry at.  But as you said.. it's a pattern with him.  You could make him suffer for it.. but why bother if he's only going to do it again and again.   Me..  I think I'd figure some way to put the screws to him... but that's just me.

Offline freespirit

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2014, 06:36:35 AM »
Jdtm, what I had meant by "spontanious visits"- I admit that was the wrong  word…I meant short visits. I just  don't think a 40 minute visit is worth a 3 hour  car drive. My other son lives only  10  minutes from us, but I would never think of just stopping by.  Besides, they usually come to us, since our  house is sort of the meeting place for family.

Still learning…yes you're right.  My son has some  issues, and I think I'm the scape goat, as usual. You know, it doesn't even bother me that much anymore. I've gotten used to his behavior, ( how sad is that.).  But I  just can't get used  to my  husband's wimpy ways, trying to side with our son, not considering how that makes me feel. And when I confront him, he puts on his Mr. guiltless face, and never ever admits that he takes sides. Ugh.

Lilly, what do you mean when you say, put the screws to him...as in ...? Thank you  for understanding me.  This feels so good, I can hardly believe it.  I know there are loving compasionate men  out there. It just so happens  they aren't in my life.  :(

I  am trying to make myself happy. But I still am happiest when everything  is harmonious.  Who isn't? It's just such a lousy waste of time, all these stupid sad  and disappointed feelings. I feel the older we get, the more precious time is,…and it is sheer time robbery to make another person miserable… . Yes, Stilllearning, I'm  investing  my time in things I love to do…Thank God for  our hobbies and outside interests. They can be such  life savers.

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Lillycache

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2014, 06:44:45 AM »
That's just an expression to mean... "get even"..  Figure out some way to get my point across..  It's a figurative expression, not literal.   As in "Make him Pay"...    Like I said.. that's just me. 

Offline freespirit

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2014, 07:16:07 AM »
Oh, okay... mind was in a fog. I need to hear from my husband that he's sorry. I need to hear him admit his behavior. He won't, though.  And I don't quite understand myself, why it's so important to me. I wish it weren't so.  I think I'm realizing that  I'm simply not important enough to him. It's so against my own character if it were the other way around. If my son  verbally attacked  his father, I would  speak up, I would help my husband.  I just miss that so very much in my marriage.  I really don't know what to do.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Lillycache

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2014, 07:47:39 AM »
Oh, okay... mind was in a fog. I need to hear from my husband that he's sorry. I need to hear him admit his behavior. He won't, though.  And I don't quite understand myself, why it's so important to me. I wish it weren't so.  I think I'm realizing that  I'm simply not important enough to him. It's so against my own character if it were the other way around. If my son  verbally attacked  his father, I would  speak up, I would help my husband.  I just miss that so very much in my marriage.  I really don't know what to do.

Of course it's important to you!!  Our spouse is supposed to be the one person on this earth that will be on our side.. no matter what.  It's the vows we take.. right?    I completely understand..  and he DOES owe you an apology for not standing up for you.     The one piece of advice my Grandma gave me when I was getting married was to always put on a united front and to never embarass your spouse in public.  No matter how wrong you think they are, you stick up for them.. or at least defend them from attacks..   It took me 3 marriages to find a husband that would do that.  I have one now.. he is worth his weight in gold IMO.   

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2014, 08:08:28 AM »
I can tell that you are very angry at your DH, and rightly so!!  Still, the first thing you need to do for yourself is unload that anger.  Find a place and a time when you can yell and do it!  Yell at the world, beat a pillow or something.  It is TOTALLY UNFAIR that you are in this position!  You deserve to be treated better!  Get ALL  of those negative feelings out! 

Once you have done that, then you will be able to see things objectively.  You have made your DH and DS believe that you cannot live without them.  Whose fault is that?  Is it true?  Do they bring joy into your life?  Are they actually making you happy? What you focus on expands, so focus on the things in your life that bring you happiness.  If your DH and DS are in that group of thing great.  If they are not my bet is that they will sense the change in you and manage to realign themselves so that they are in that group.  At any rate, the point is that life is too short to spend it trying to make other people appreciate you, they either do or they don't.  If they don't then hang around people who do.  Period.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Pooh

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2014, 08:29:13 AM »
If someone is just waiting for you to say something, that they can turn around for their benefit, then you can bet it will not take long for "something" to come out of your mouth for them to use.  Unfortunately, you are in a no-win with him right now.  You did as he asked (leaving) and then you're still the bad guy.  If your DH is not going to have your back, then really, all you can do is let go and start doing good things for yourself.  Easier said than done, but surprisingly, once you start doing that...the stress and issues take a back seat.

Do something nice for yourself today.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2014, 08:30:09 AM »
P.S.

Don't be surprised if your friends are also having issues.  Maybe not the same things, but people put on a good front in public.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2014, 08:38:37 AM »
If someone is just waiting for you to say something, that they can turn around for their benefit, then you can bet it will not take long for "something" to come out of your mouth for them to use. 

NO truer words Pooh.   If someone has already determined that you are the Bad Guy, there's really no telling what silly thing they will use against you.   It's like being invited to play a game and not given the rule book.  Then being penalized for breaking a rule you had no knowledge of.   My DIL tried that silly game with me.. and I removed myself from her playground.  Sometimes you just have to do that...because you are never going to win.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2014, 08:57:05 AM »
FS - I have read this thread all the way through and what I have felt is the loneliness of you being set up, misunderstood, and blamed for the shortcomings of others. The patterns seem well established and my concept is that some kind of subtle abuse is in place.

I wouldn't venture into getting even on any level...it just keeps the 'game' going.

I'm glad you shared with us and I agree that your friends may not live in happily-ever-after, since I doubt there is such a place. Life is a roller coaster...not a fairytale.

I agree with everyone else that your answer is in making your life what you want it to be over, under, around and through what the malefaction has set up, which is to belittle you.

Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline freespirit

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #13 on: August 13, 2014, 11:51:43 AM »
I feel so understood. I can't tell you all what that means to me. Wait,  yes, I can.. I feel lighter.

Lilly, I totally agree with your grandmother's advice. That's why it tears me apart, that my husband doesn't  agree with it.  It took you 3 marriages? Well…maybe  there is hope for me after all.

Stilllearning, I will unload my anger,  or it will eat me  up. I just want to wait another day, because the last thing I want to do is cry . I want to lay down the facts in a cool and calm way, and I'm going to give my husband a choice. Either  he sticks up for me, or I'm gone. And sticking up for me entails him contacting our son and  telling him  we won't tolerate his behavior  anymore.   
Do you know that famous quote that Robin Williams said?
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." 

Pooh, I know. I've been living in this no-win situation way too long. I have created my own little world a long time ago; my world of escape. I write novels. But  it's  just not enough.  We'll see how my husband  reacts to my talk tomorrow.

Luise, I'm so glad I shared too. I  used to think my friends must have some secret problems too, but oddly enough,  when I approached them with mine,  I usually got to hear -- I don't  have that problem… it could be the mentality here, in the country that I live in. Anyway, there were too many awkward situations. So now I just don't want to expose myself like that anymore. I miss America, and people with  big hearts,..hearts like  in this forum.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: A trivial misunderstanding
« Reply #14 on: August 13, 2014, 12:22:37 PM »
Freespirit...wow! Are you sure you and I don't have the same husband???  :D
I know how you feel...truthfully though...Your Son has an issue and maybe just looking for a fight. I didn't see this (4 years ago) before my DS cut me off. I just thought he was under stress. A rational person, let alone a respectful person would have appreciated your long drive over and not making an ordeal about leaving after such a short visit. Where is the gratefulness? So...Believe in yourself that you weren't trying to make a point to hurt or manipulate him, asking him to move closer, just making conversation and move past this. Nothing will change until your DS wants to show respect and understanding. You DH on the other hand...you know how he is and mine is exactly the same...I just verbal vomit and cry on shoulders of my friends, this place and on my knees a lot. I am not going to get the support from my DH that I need. Sometimes just a hug and "I'm sorry, you must feel hurt, but I love you" is all I need...I get the you should have just kept quiet too. Though when I do keep quiet I get hounded by everyone why I'm quiet...so I can't win...BUT, I DON'T WANT TO WIN! I just want to be me.
I've developed the attitude, "If you can't hack it, grab your jacket and don't let the screen door hit you on the way out!"
I'm sorry....I do believe your DS has some battles of his own to deal with and you just ended up in the cross fire. And yes...Your friends have the same problems. Recently an acquaintance that I thought had the perfect life ran into me (on a good spirit day for me, I might add) she mentioned that she was not having a good day...then it spilled out... her perfect life wasn't near perfect and not even near functional. We all have our skeletons in the closet and us who aren't afraid to be honest about them are the ones that learn to live healthy through the storms.
This too...shall pass! Keep your chin up!