Author Topic: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!  (Read 1454 times)

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Offline Miss Understood

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four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« on: August 10, 2014, 08:02:57 AM »
its been 4 years since my DS and DIL cut us off...without a clue. Most of you who have been here know my story. Quiet for a while, moving forward with me...my youngest DD who was left abandoned by her brother and going through her most precious teenage life seeing pain with us as parents, but getting all our attention and knowing she had wisdom and of course...her knowing how wrong the situation has been....SHE TURNED 19 this summer and guess what??? She holds us somewhat hostage. Knowing we will hurt, threatens us, demands and plays the game. She knows this is horrible, she lived it...but she does.

Never have I had an issue with her. Great kid. No drugs, never a B on her report card. Driven and followed rules. I don't think she was grounded except for one short occasion and it was something that was not too bad. She met a boy...Oh, boy! He is 23 and we didn't know him well and neither did she when she decided to move in with him and 3 other male room mates to his house after 1 month of dating...all this happened while my DH and I were on vacation for the first time without her. We let go, knowing she is smart. We didn't know she quit school, we had no idea yet. After 3 weeks of barely any contact with her and a partially cleaned out bedroom here at home, I packed her room up and called her to come get her things because I was going to remodel her room as a guest room. 1 week later (after I remodeled) she shows up...cried and things came out. He has an anger problem, control issue (which we already saw by her not being able to come to our house or him not coming around) she decided to have dinner with us and was afraid to tell him. She had me go with her to pick up a dress and an overnight bag (just in case) then she called him. He blew up and followed us by a tracker he had on her phone. He made a scene in the parking lot and after 4 days of stalking and begging my husband and I and my DD telling him she wanted space we almost had to put a restraining order on him. One night my daughter awoke us in the middle of the night that something happened to him and she wanted to go to the house because she thought he hurt himself or something. We went with her and called 911 to find it was manipulation and an anxiety attack.  We thought she saw this and was done when he dumped her things in our front yard and it took me 2 days to put her bedroom back together and me consoling her crying. She even went to a ladies retreat with me and unloaded on lots of women who now support her to stay away. She committed to moving on...until 24 hours after she arrived home and he got to her. She now wants to move back in...less than 1 week from the 1 week of hell we all went through and threatens to do to us what her brother has done. Her BF even texted me threatening the same. What to do? She is unrecognizable and even though she is an adult, we hold the title to the car and pay the bills because she was going to college. We laid down the law and told her she can get a loan for the car, buy one she can afford or figure it out. We don't think moving in with this guy who has so many issues is a good thing and we cannot support that. She is using the almighty trump card and trying to hold me hostage to get her way.
I need wisdom ladies. Been there and done that before and with all the pain I went throw with my DS, I can't bare to go through this. I just started really living again.
Help!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2014, 08:34:38 AM »
Oh, MU, I'm so sorry. I have no suggestions you haven't read before...which are all about protecting yourself. DD has the option of ruining her life...and then, hopefully, rebuilding it as maturity catches up with her...or not. You have to option of trying to run it and her...or not. She's taken the reins...ready of not. Few ever are, MU. Many AC seem to want to gallop off into self-destruction before growing up. If you have a counselor available, it's time to get some help for yourself until she's ready to do the same...or not. It's the 'or nots' that are so hard, MU. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2014, 08:42:23 PM »
Hi, MU. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I'm sending good thoughts that your DD will suddenly wake up and realize what she's doing! In the meantime, please take care of yourself as Luise said and try to be a beacon of calm in your DD's storm...that's probably the best example you can set.

We're here for you (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2014, 07:50:52 AM »
Sorry you're dealing with this MU.  I have no advice either.  I have been following the rule "You get help from me if you're willing to help yourself" and "The first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice." 

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2014, 08:27:18 AM »
I think what I am feeling different this time than 4 years ago with my son is... HER choice is HER choice and HER issues have very little to do with me. 19 is a very selfish age and she is wanting her independence...I get all of that. I am just concerned because it was only a few days more than a week ago that her BF threw her things in my front yard.
As Pen wrote...and I have been focusing on that comment..."be the beacon of calm in DD storm"...Last night when she came home, I kept it light, how was your day, that is about it...No BF or stress talk. It was peaceful. I want her to know she has a peaceful place here. She is going to go when she wants regardless of what I say. I disagree with her choice, but chasing her and pushing her my direction is not who I have focused on myself being and growing to for the past 4 years. I refuse to manipulate and control. However, I refuse to lie and I refuse to not be upfront and share with her my feelings lovingly to her...I do that because I am her mother and want the best for her. How she takes it and what she does with my teachings is her choice. I do choose my words wiser and I do let her know that my thoughts are only because I have been in her shoes and giving her some insight from my experience might help her or might not...I just care enough for her well being to share them with her. I guess we will see how this plays out. So far, the boxes aren't packed...but, the day isn't over yet.  ???  ???

Offline luise.volta

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2014, 01:03:40 PM »
MU, I gotta' say I am totally blown away by your inner growth and expansion. No, the day isn't over yet...and neither is life. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2014, 07:38:08 AM »
It's been four years of growth through my DS and DIL cutoff. I worked hard to work on me. I think we can choose to wallow in our self pity or believe in ourselves and live our lives! As hard as it is...was...still is...I KNOW I HAVE GROWN!  It's amazing that something tragic can be a blessing to your own self worth. I still hope... I just don't live in despair anymore. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me. I'm still here lurking a lot...just don't live here anymore (24/7) I spend more time doing things for me. With that being said...I'm still grateful that I could come back and post here.
BTW: My DD didn't move out, but didn't come home last night. She did call me and tell me she wasn't coming home and I will see her and the BF later when they come by to talk about their plans. I get it..."THEIR PLANS"!!!!!!  I suppose I need to let that be.   :P

Offline freespirit

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2014, 10:12:00 AM »
Miss Understood…you are a wise mother. I agree, the best thing you can do  is set an example of  a quiet life,…by  making the atmosphere as stress free as possible. I would lay bets that your daughter will be back within a few days..okay….maybe a week. So I would think it will take care of itself.  I'm sure it won't be  easy to see her BF. I know I would have a hard time with that. But maybe when your daughter sees you interacting  with him, she might wake up, because maybe,… ::)he will make a fool of himself.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2014, 10:55:25 AM »
last time she moved out with him...we kept our mouths shut. We didn't know him well...but we did know her and not having an issue with her ever, we were pretty confident that she would make a good decision for herself and being 19...what could I say. Well, after the week of the craziness, police, ambulances at his house in the middle of the night because he pretended to be hurt/sick or whatever...lies to my husband and I, repeated issues of stalking and chasing her around town and her crying to all her friends, etc. We butt our nose in. I should have known better...but I only thought she needed our protection...he was acting like a psycho lunatic!
Within 1 day of them speaking...boom!!! He is healed, better, not controlling, not angry anymore and she sees no danger. This is a guy that punched holes in the doors at the house and hit their dog. No, I'm not supposed to be worried, My husband isn't supposed to be angry and She is allowed to be annoyed that we are talking to her about slowing down and staying home and giving this some time. Her friends are even telling her she is a fool. She doesn't care. I don't anticipate her coming back so quick this next time...she will be too embarrassed to do that since everyone she knows, including her employer thinks she is making a bad decision. I only fear that she will stay and stay and stay until she looses herself and gets pregnant and builds some sort of life with this guy.
But I can't control that!!! I have learned that...so, I will just deal with what is dealt and hope she knows I love her enough to remember the wisdom I taught her.

Offline freespirit

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2014, 02:43:36 AM »
Ew boy... this calls for alot of self discipline. When our son married a woman, who we just knew  wasn't the right one... and after they divorced,...he actually came to us and said we were right....Whatever.....we would have liked  him to be spared of all the grief,....but  who knows, maybe it molded him, and changed his perspective this time around, as to what kind of  woman he needs at his side. Maybe  he learned life lessons that we never could teach him.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2014, 08:09:01 AM »
Well...sat down with the DD's BF and DD last night...they decided they want to go back to living together regardless of us sharing our concerns and the consequences that lie ahead of them (her financial support being cut off). She said she can do it...so we will have to let her. Though she can't get a car loan since she doesn't have any credit, we still have to hold the title and loan for her car, which means she will have to be on our insurance. We were strict about the rules of payment and on time or the car will be repossessed and she will be forced then to get her own vehicle or take the bus. She didn't care, he didn't care...so, we said, "you know where the boxes are in the garage!".
We ended up going out to dinner and both of them said this time will be different. They said they will spend more time with family and he actually conversed with us instead of just staring at his smart phone. I told them both that I am sure they will figure this out and we are here for them regardless.
I took a deep breath and made that step to let go! Ugh!!!!! But I did it. I am so proud of myself. Those of you who know me...this is huge for me.
Thank you for letting me vent!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2014, 08:39:21 AM »
MU - I have known you since the first day you arrived here four years ago and we have done a lot of work together. I'm totally in awe! I mean that from the bottom of my heart!

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Miss Understood

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2014, 12:04:46 PM »
Thank you Luise! You, these other woman and a lot of soul searching helped me grow. One of the most valuable lessons I have learned was... Things aren't going to always go my way and I need to ride those waves and take care of me first!
Again...thanks for letting me vent and just be here!

Offline FAFE

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Re: four years to finally feeling joy and whammo!
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2014, 07:09:23 AM »
Baby steps, sweetie, baby steps.  You're gonna make it!