Author Topic: been awhile but back again  (Read 2141 times)

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Offline stilltrying2010

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been awhile but back again
« on: July 23, 2014, 08:50:13 AM »
Its been awhile since I have been here. I have been trying to take things less personally and step out of the way between my husband and our children and his family. They pretty much ignore me unless they need something from me.  Our annual visit is fast approaching and my stress in increasing concurrently. We are travelling across the country (airline ticets rent a car) and will see her for 5 days total. This is the only time she will see our kids, ages 8 & 3,  this year.   
My motherinlaw just called me because I responded to a group text that she couldnt read. Anyway, seems like every other word out of her mouth was negative towards me am *I* going to want to do anything this year (emphasis on me and do, said with a negative tone of voice since we didnt want to drag all over last year due to having a toddler and some depression as my fil was diag w cancer). I responded I wasnt sure was MY HUSBAND had planned but that he had mentioned x and y. She mentioned the zoo and again, referred her back to her son's plans. Then she toldnme that she is watching his cousins baby one of the days (from 8am til 4) while we are there. Struggling with my feelings over this. Sure just cause we are visiting the world doesnt stop. Nice for the cousin she can help her out. MIL doesnt even call our kids. Now my kids should be second to the baby? Angry and angry at myself  for feeling this way.  Just want to schedule a hunch of stuff to do without her and use her for dinner and hotel.

Struggling with my feelings. Brings up whole history of being second fiddle to dhs sisters kids and now cousins kids take precedence? Please give me some advise. I know I have the  responsibility of my reactions but please be gentlr with me... I feel guilty enough.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: been awhile but back again
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2014, 10:58:09 AM »
S - I feel your dread and don't have much to suggest. When it comes to how others act...we just don't have much to say about that. I would stay elsewhere...and if I couldn't afford to do that, I wouldn't go. The trip would include connecting with her and I would endure those times...but/and I would place the focus elsewhere. That's just me, remember. Sending bugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Sarah

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Re: been awhile but back again
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2014, 07:06:35 PM »
Still - I agree with Louise.  Setting boundaries.  Staying elsewhere so you can pick up and leave if you have to.  As far as the zoo or other things, you are not the social director.  You answered her text.  That should be enough, I wouldn't keep on with it.
I can also sense your dread and I know what that dread feels like.  Hang in there, hopefully it will go okay and will be over soon enough.
(((hugs)))

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: been awhile but back again
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2014, 02:35:40 AM »
Stilltrying, I have been thinking about your situation and I think I might have a useful suggestion.  Call your MIL and offer to keep your DH's cousin's child for that day and let your MIL take your children to the zoo or where ever.  You get a day off from your MIL during your stay, get to know your children's second cousin once removed (?) and your MIL and DH have some time with each other and the kids!  How about that for a win, win, win!! 

As for the rest I want you to do me a favor.  Whenever you think about this upcoming trip I want you to think of the absolute best way it could go.  Please include the Cinderella slippers in your forecast for the upcoming events!  After all, things may turn out that way and if they don't at least you won't have wasted more of your life dreading something you cannot change.  What you focus on expands so focus on the parts of your trip you enjoyed in the past and if there aren't any make some up!!

I hope all goes well!! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: been awhile but back again
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2014, 07:29:49 PM »
Thanks for the hugs & bugs  ;)  still learning your suggestion shoock me to the core - its brilliant. Just arrived today so will keep you all posted. Apppreciate you being a safe place for me to vent my feeling.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: been awhile but back again
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2014, 05:50:55 AM »
So Stilltrying....can we get an update?  How did it go?
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: been awhile but back again
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2014, 08:41:09 AM »
This has probably been the best visit ever (8yrs worth). The baby turned out to not be a bad issue. I watched him early, mil watched him mid day and then I took over after a brief shopping trip.  Of course there were things that bothered me but I tried not to let it rule. He INlaws definitely have their special close grandchildren and mine are not ot, their loss. 

Thank you all for the support and listening ear. I truly feel if my frak out wasnt deflatdd with good honest ideas it could have spiralled out of control setting up negative expectations only to be sadly fulfilled. 

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: been awhile but back again
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2014, 09:06:35 AM »
Yipee Stilltrying!!  So happy to hear that things went better this time!  So maybe next year will be even better?  It could happen.......
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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