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Glad I'm Not Alone

Started by psw, July 16, 2014, 03:41:33 pm

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July 16, 2014, 03:41:33 pm Last Edit: July 16, 2014, 03:58:50 pm by luise.volta
I'm brand new to this site as well but it appears from reading several of the other posts, we are not alone.  A fact which saddens me to no end.  I have two DS who married two ladies that are "best friends". Can you see the red flags attached to that statement?  My story is a long one and I won't be able to put all the details here. My OS met his wife when he was 20 and she 17.  They had two children before they decided to marry.  Her FOO has always been off-again, on-again when it comes to "caring" about their family members.  My sons and I were always close because I was a single parent.  Their Dad was at best a "small" part of their life due to both our military commitments and partly because of his lack of interest.  I helped my OS & DIL many times, financially and emotionally.  They lived with me on 3 separate occasions. The last time they moved out was brought on by the fact that my DIL didn't like a discussion I had with my DS about things which needed to change if they wanted to continue living in the house.  She began yelling at me and called me some very vulgar names in front of the 3 GC.  I asked my son to intervene and get her under control; he did not.  She continued to yell and scream.  Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have left the house (my house) but I didn't.  Instead, I let all of my DIL's extremely negative comments & behavior get the best of me.  When she continued her rant, I decided that the only way to get her to stop was to give her some of her own medicine.  I yelled and screamed back (although I didn't call her vulgar names).  It worked and she stopped. 

I should tell you that there were numerous other manipulative and harassing behaviors prior to this episode.  I tried many times to gently discuss these issues with my son, but with no success.  My main concern is for the well being of the GC but I have realized that there is nothing I can do; he must decide on his own to better the situation.

Now, almost 3 years later, my DIL and now my YS wife (my other DIL) won't allow any contact with their FOO.  This means they can have no contact with my family (GP, cousins, Aunts, Uncles, etc...), even though these people have done nothing but love & help them.

During this time, my YS married (as I mentioned above) and they have two children. Myself, their Dad or any other FOO were invited but all of the new DIL's FOO were invited.  I keep waiting for the day that they'll wake up and either put their foot down and resume contact or they'll get divorced.  Until that day comes, I'll have to live my life to the fullest by being with those who love and support me.  I'll also be involved with forums such as this which help me to realize I'm not alone. 


Welcome, P - I gave you your own thread. If you haven't done so, we ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

Your situation is way too common and most people don't know that and try to deal with it alone. To me, it's a time for community, understanding and support. I think you will find it here. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome psw.  Like Luise said, you will find great understanding here.  One of the best things, and it took me a few weeks to realize it, was that I was not alone.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Welcome psw...don't those old saying speak the truth, - Misery loves company -
But in this forum, it's not only company, - it  helps in healing. Since I don't  ever vent to my "live" friends, like I do here,... (you just never know).... I still needed an outlet,...and this is the most  understanding wise place to go to.
Good for you for yelling back at your DIL! Hah! And that made her stop in her tracks?! But, the percussions are still being felt. They withdraw,... and  punish you  that way. But of course, THEY can flip out and say what they want, - whatever...the difference is: we would never think of ending all family ties.
It all goes back to their egos. Everything revolves around them. It's that way in my case too.
I found the most helpful thing I could do was ask myself the question: - Would I ever  chose  friends like this? No No No..never.
But still,  we keep clinging on to people that keep hurting us, and to make it worse,  we  keep on doing everything possible for them. It will never change. No matter how much we give, no matter how much we love. We just keep feeling that dull terrible hurt over and over again. That's the pits.
So we need to choose  and make friends that  make us happy, make us feel we are worth more than just a furniture piece.
When have we really laughed the most?
When do we fee validated in our lives?
When  do we have a good feeling of  being loved?
I get that with friends, and my online friends too. So all is not lost. The world and all it's people to choose from are at  your doorstep. Sending a hug.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne


Welcome again, Psw. I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry you are going through this. Finding a place where others understand is the first step in healing. I've been here for a few years and have made some progress, but still find I need the comfort and support of my sisters. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb