Author Topic: Maintaing Silence  (Read 1290 times)

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Offline Lucy P

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Maintaing Silence
« on: July 13, 2014, 07:40:48 AM »
What changed for me, and it took time, was realizing it was abuse and I deserved better.

I often wonder how long the silence will continue.  My youngest AD stopped communicating about 3 years ago.  That was totally unexpected, and it made it all the more painful.   With my oldest AD, the silent treatment this year has now lasted 4 months so far - nearly the same time frame as last year's silent treatment.  The oldest AD and I have always had a difficult relationship - seems like from the moment she figured out, as a little girl, how she could run to her father and get his approval for anything she wanted.  Her father and I divorced when the girls were little.  He quickly remarried and started another family.

Sometimes I wonder how I would respond, if either one should suddenly contact me and want to reconnect.  I realized it all depends on which one contacts me.  The youngest one - I would welcome back into my life with open arms.  She is sweet and lovable, feisty and determined.  She has never asked for anything, and when I offered to help she turned it down, preferring to take care of the matter herself.   I like her. The oldest one - I don't think so.  She has asked for money, and the "forgot" to pay me back the first time.  The second, and last time, I loaned her money she got really nasty with me when I insisted on her repaying me (I was in between jobs and needed the money back).  She is needy/demanding, a liar, and lazy.  She only gives for the sole purpose of getting something in return.  I don't trust her.  She has caused me the most pain and sleepless nights.  I loved her as a baby and little girl, but I'll admit that I honestly do NOT like what she has become.  And I realize now after reading Luise's quote, that what she has been doing to me is a form of abuse.

Last summer, after a brief visit that ended on a sour note because I refused to loan her money again (and I asked her to return my house key that I had given to her while I visited my brother out of state) she sent me an email and accused me of pushing her away every time she tried to get "close" to me; and then she turned around in the next sentence and said that if I ever decide I want to be a part of her life, I know where I can find her. 

I've tried the friendly, hospitable M/D relationship with her, and it doesn't work.  We've made plans - I'll invite her and GD over to my house for dinner the following weekend, she agrees to be here, say at 2:00 pm Saturday.  So Thurs/Fri night i go shopping and spend extra $$ for a nice dinner and dessert.   2:00 pm Saturday - she calls me.  They're not going to make it.  Something has come up.  A couple of times it's because her father has suddenly invited her over and it conflicts with what WE had planned, so she says to me, "I didn't think our plans were definite", and asks what am I doing tomorrow?  or next weekend?  This has happened REPEATEDLY, so many times now that I believe it's deliberate, passive/aggressive abuse.

During a visit or phone conversation, I'm walking on eggshells because she's easily offended and takes everything personally.  We can't have a regular conversation or discussion without her taking something I said that was totally unrelated to her directly, twisting it around and accusing me of offending her. 

I've decided that enough is enough.  It takes days or even weeks for me to calm down and relax after being around her.  So --- I've decided that reaching out to her is not in my best interest.  And if she should contact  me, I will hold her at arm's length and tell her SHE needs to make an effort to treat me with courtesy, honesty and respect before I agree to reconnect with her.  I don't think that conversation will end well - she'll accuse me of not being courteous, respectful to her, etc. etc. etc. and around and around we'll go.  So, what's the point.  The silence is comforting.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Maintaing Silence
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2014, 11:02:08 AM »
Quote: I don't think that conversation will end well - she'll accuse me of not being courteous, respectful to her, etc. etc. etc. and around and around we'll go.

I find being able to predict what will happen too hard to move past. For me, when I get to that place...I know I'm done. I want to be around those who reflect mutual respect. I'm not anyone's punching board...not only does it not serve me...it doesn't serve them, either. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Maintaing Silence
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2014, 04:59:23 PM »
Making that choice is the difficult thing; once it's made it gets easier, IMO. Not easy, but less stressful and the pain is less raw.

You do deserve better!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline dedicatedmom

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Re: Maintaing Silence
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2014, 12:48:25 PM »
I relate so much to the silent treatment from the DD's, only my son really talks to me. It really started in Dec 2007 when my husband fell on his face after many glasses of wine and other booze drinks and it was my final straw. He went behind my back to my 3 dd's and even my son, had a meeting and some e mails I found they exchanged, him telling them I was mentally ill, that I even wanted a divorce. I'd been in Alanon for 6 years and I understood his motives but my oldest daughter was married and, daughter #2 who was generally rude to me and I called her on it that very same weekend he fell down drunk. The youngest DD was a very difficult teenager and he was busy with the bottle and I had to deal with all of it and of course she resents me but if it weren't for me I know she wouldn't be where she is today. So much has happened they have mostly ignored me and my pleas for seeing them, being included in things, they ignore me. It's so awful. Now 5 years divorced the ex is sick with so many things related to smoking and drinking he had to go into assisted living at 69. There is so much that I've tried and they just treat me like a stranger and the pain is unbearable. I did everything for them everything, was always there, never drank or even went out with my friends. I worked 2 jobs sometimes, sent them to all types of activities, supported them financially and emotionally, and now at 63 I've just been discarded. They say things like "that's your story" like there's some deep dark secret of something I've done to cause this, I've done nothing but be myself. I had lost my job due to economy during the divorce and I lost everything and had to file bankruptcy, live with my sister for a while, do everything I can without their support, just disdain for me. My mother died April 7 and they did send flowers and my son came to Chicago with me for the funeral, other than that ignore me. I sent them a copy of mom's eulogy, prayers of the faithful and her mass card and they didn't even acknowledge. There's so much more I can mention like they give him booze for Christmas right in front of me. I want to forget them the pain is so bad but I have 2 grandchildren from the OD I can't give up on seeing. I have to ask for an audience with them and sometimes she gets back to me and sometimes she doesn't. She says she only texts. It's mental abuse and I have come so close to wanting to end it all but I have 3 little dogs I've rescued and they need me. When I try to talk to my dear son about it he makes excuses for them. I have good days and strings of painful days. I know I've got to get into therapy but they have such power over my emotions I don't feel like talking to ANYONE about it. On this past Mother's Day was my birthday and the youngest didn't call me so I text her and told her I loved her, she's my girl and I put up with her stuff as best I could when she was a teenager and she responded that I was an incompetent unloving mother. I know that is not true but it hurt me so I guess because my own mom had just died. I'm 63 and I'm stuck in pain and I want to enjoy my life but I can't put this out of my mind. They were my life. Anyway I feel your pain. Hang in there

Offline Lucy P

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Re: Maintaing Silence
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2014, 03:32:58 PM »
Hi Dedicated Mom --- sending lots of hugs your way.  It still amazes me how similar our situations are that preceded the silence we now endure. 
Please hang in there, and think again about seeing a therapist.  I think you'll be surprised how good you will feel after talking out loud to someone who really listens - it's a "cleansing" experience. It's not healthy to keep holding on to all the anger and sad thoughts.  Before I joined this group I looked on the web for any information I could find about adult daughters who estrange from their mother, and in addition to finding Wise Women Unite, I also found an E-book that I would like to recommend:  "Free Mother to Good Home:  A handbook and survival guide for good parents, stepparents, grandparents who find themselves underappreciated, under-loved, and overwhelmed", by Kay Taylor.  I think the book is also mentioned on WWU under recommended reading.  It helped me to see beyond what I was feeling at the moment, and to examine the "story".  Now I refuse to continue taking all the blame for the crappy childhood my ADs think they had, or for all the issues they have now that keep them acting like immature spoiled brats instead of adult women.  If and when either of them should contact me and want to reconnect, I will not unless and until they can show me at least the same respect, courtesy and honesty that I have extended to them.  Life is too short, and I don't have time for anything less.
Your job as their caretaker is finished and you've done your best as a mother.  You are not their doormat.  It's time to respect and love yourself for a change.  ((((hugs)))))  LP

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Maintaing Silence
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2014, 10:36:24 PM »
Amen, LP!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama