Author Topic: Introducing Myself  (Read 1184 times)

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Offline HopefulWish

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Introducing Myself
« on: July 08, 2014, 02:14:05 PM »
I found this forum while looking up resources for coping with the various things that I have going on in my life. I am 43, female, and live in Texas however I was born in the state of Louisiana. I am legally blind and I have albinism. I enjoy cooking, home décor, DIY, gardening, genetics, genealogy and basically anything that that involves creativity and excludes drama. I am also a Network Engineer. I married to a real, live Teddy Bear if a husband who supports me through everything. The thought of joining this forum seemed fitting because as women, we encounter many situations and dilemmas through the different stages of life in which women uniquely identify with. I am definitely dealing with my own set of difficulties and I find it refreshing to get some insight from other wise women. Maybe there is a tiny part of me that needs to vent a little, and to reflect upon my own situation. But here I am with my stuff - some of them are big and heartbreaking such as the broken relationship with my adult children, and some of them I find comical like the shenanigans of the characters at my job. I have made my fair share of mistakes, so I definitely have some hindsight and retrospect to share along the journey to finding my own answers. Above all, peace and happiness are a choice that I make in spite of the hurt. I'm looking forward to connecting with you Wise Women!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Introducing Myself
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2014, 02:32:45 PM »
Welcome H - If you haven't already done so, please go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, read the four posts placed there for new members. We ask that you pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to sure WWU is a fit for you. It sure sounds like we may be. :D WWU is a monitored Website.

We're a motley crew and very diverse but the central thread is that we're all learning and growing. I'm 87 and still hard at it! We thrive on having a safe space reflecting a deep, mutual respect for each other.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: Introducing Myself
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2014, 11:45:42 AM »
Welcome HopefulWish!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline nikncon

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Re: Introducing Myself
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2014, 07:14:36 PM »
Welcome HopefulWish!You will get very positive advice from these ladies.They have helped me through some difficult times.I am so lucky to have found Luise and this wonderful group.You are too.

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Offline Lillycache

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Re: Introducing Myself
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2014, 04:49:12 AM »
Welcome Hopefulwish...    For me, finding my own happiness was a process of totally letting go of every notion of how I always thought things SHOULD be... and truely accepting the way things ARE.   I may not always like how things are.. I may have times when I wish things could have been different, but for the most part, I have learned to be happy and to be grateful for the things that I have.   Also, I have become a very selfish person.   Not selfish in a bad way... but my main concern is to take care of mySELF.  And of course my DH and my home and my pets and the people and things that bring me happiness.   Most of us, when we reach the ages we are have spent the vast majority of our lives pleasing and caring for others.  We totally devote ourselves to our children.. we put up with a whole lot of unfairness and silliness at our jobs in order to insure we can care for our children... THEN... these kids grow up... and well..  here we are..     We are left to figure out what makes US happy.  What are the things that bring US joy?  What can we do for out own health and well being..   Eventually we let go of the things that make us unhappy, and adversely affect us and our health.  It's a long process Hopefulwish..  best wishes for you as you start this journey.

Offline HopefulWish

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Re: Introducing Myself
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2014, 07:09:21 AM »
Thank you LillyCache!

Yes, that's exactly where I am in my journey. I am a victim of Parental Alienation. My kids father was so bitter after I left him (for good reason), that he decided that if I won't love him - then no one will love me. He systematically drove away my friends, my parents, my BOSS (got me fired), got me kicked out of my apartment, and ruined subsequent relationships. And some people have said to me, oh well, if those people really cared about you or if it wasn't true, they wouldn't listen. Well, I am here to say that there are in fact, people who are determined and manipulative enough to do so. My parents, fortunately, saw through that many years ago when he tripped up and revealed his true character, but most other people didn't want to be bothered long enough to even figure it out. I guess I don't blame them. Anyway, I was naive enough to believe that my ids would grow up and "see the truth for themselves". I never lowered myself to his level, I never took the kids and ran, which I think now, I probably should have. So what my kid shave learned is that their fathers failures and bad behavior - was my fault. All of the hard times and chaos - my fault. And now that they are grown - their failures and faults are mine as well because I was a bad mother, as he told them over and over. Every move, every decision - was pointed out as a fault. If I went to the bathroom in the morning without getting their breakfast FIRST - made me a bad mother. it never occurred to me that my kids would turn out just like their father, and heartbreaking as it is, they have. After some incidents about a year ago, I have kept my distance from my kids. They are toxic and have succumbed to unhealthy attitudes and thinking. And there is not one thing that I can do about it. The only thing I can do is keep myself healthy and drama free. I won't continue to be their father's victim. I have accepted that in fact, their father may think that he has won. But he hasn't because he cannot destroy me. He waged war on me, and he hurt his own children and can't see it and doesn't care. He can turn my family, friends, and anyone else away from me, but I still love me - therefore, he will not win. As long as I love me, he will not win. I accept that when I naively engaged in marrying and having children with him, that there was a great chance that my kids would be like him. I accept that there may have been things that I could have done, or things that I could have done differently. I get brief tears now and then and I grieve, and then I move on. I am hopeful that one day, they will see and understand, but I know that there is no guarantee. About a year ago, I had this pivotal moment where I realized that just because I envisioned tings in a certain way, and just assumed that life was a certain way, doesn't mean that it is so.

Offline jdtm

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Re: Introducing Myself
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2014, 10:56:46 AM »
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And some people have said to me, oh well, if those people really cared about you or if it wasn't true, they wouldn't listen. Well, I am here to say that there are in fact, people who are determined and manipulative enough to do so.

It happened to me, too.  But, it was our now ex-DIL who vilified our son's entire family, his friends and even his neighbours.  So, HopefulWish - I get it.  Luckily for us, our family is gradually returning; however, it will never be the same.  It has been over five years since she left our son and abandoned her children (that is what made family, neighbours and friends begin to wonder if maybe it was her and not us) ....  Hang in there - you've already been through the worst ...  By the way, I really think (in our case) we were being subjected to a person with a severe mental health issue without knowing (she could be so convincing and charming).  I so pray that our grandchildren have not inherited her toxic personality traits (nice words for mental illness and/or personality disorder).  So sorry ....

Offline HopefulWish

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Re: Introducing Myself
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2014, 11:28:55 AM »
jdtm:

Yes, I would love to label him Antisocial Personality Disorder (which the name is a bit misleading) or maybe Borderline Personality Disorder. But I also hesitate to label people with scapegoat "illnesses" that they "can't help" just because they refuse to get their act together and take responsibility for themselves. I wonder if maybe these "personality disorders" are not really illnesses, but correct and concise descriptions of all of the different flavors of people that refuse to improve themselves.

I don't want to give him an excuse for what he has done...

Offline jdtm

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Re: Introducing Myself
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2014, 12:22:35 PM »
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I wonder if maybe these "personality disorders" are not really illnesses, but correct and concise descriptions of all of the different flavors of people that refuse to improve themselves.

Maybe ... but my inclination is "no".  Not "illnesses", but skewed thinking (as a result of perhaps weak/poor transmittors in the brain?).  The research on mental health issues lags far behind physical issues, I believe, not that physical issues are less important.  I do know that with some disorders (as social anxiety) the amygdala in the brain is far more active in anxiety-ridden people than nons.  However, with time and lots of therapy (and possibly medication), the brain can be "trained" to operate in a less stressful way.  Of course, CBT also can "change" this automatic thinking response.  Research has actually proved that new transmittors can be "grown" and thus lessen the anxiety in some of  our young people (I don't know if this has been proved with an older brain).

There is no excuse for toxic behaviour.  The world today has many specialists who are able to help - not seeking help (denial and blame) is the crime, I believe.  Unfortunately, I have found that those with mental health issues (read personality disorders) tend to be so self-centered and egocentric that - well, it is easier to blame some one else.  Anyway, just one opinion ....