Author Topic: Four years in  (Read 4203 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline tryingmybest

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 236
    • View Profile
Four years in
« on: July 01, 2014, 07:09:50 AM »
Thought I'd check back in and thank you wonderful women once again for helping me through the transition to MILhood. I lovingly detached, accepted the days before or after every single holiday. I never pushed or demanded or even asked, made it clear I knew the son's first priority had to be their new families - ie: wife and kids. It actually became easy after awhile because I had time to focus on my needs, and I relaxed!

Well, reality is hitting them in the face. "Their" families have never formed because the DIL's are still firmly emeshed into Their FOO. Sons are getting really sick of taking a back seat, when they get a seat at all. Now...they are turning back to Momma to try and discuss things to communicate...I've gently directed them back to their wives...who are sitting happily in their Mommy's kitchens getting and giving all the emotional support from their FOO they ever did, and having a build in vent for their marriage troubles.  ???

So I'm feeling guilty. Its clear there are problems, but my feeling right now is they' re not MY problems. I want to be emotionaally supportive but where is a safe middle ground?

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8966
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Four years in
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2014, 07:29:54 AM »
T - Has it been that long? Wow! I sent your post on to our Webmaster, my son Kirk, because he keeps WWU alive and well...for free. Knowing it makes a difference...makes a difference to him.

My take is there may not be any safe middle ground. There are too many variables. Our best works sometimes and at other times, no so much. If safety is to be found, I think it may be in our hearts where we have learned to love without agenda. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lillycache

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 638
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2014, 07:46:51 AM »
Thought I'd check back in and thank you wonderful women once again for helping me through the transition to MILhood. I lovingly detached, accepted the days before or after every single holiday. I never pushed or demanded or even asked, made it clear I knew the son's first priority had to be their new families - ie: wife and kids. It actually became easy after awhile because I had time to focus on my needs, and I relaxed!

Well, reality is hitting them in the face. "Their" families have never formed because the DIL's are still firmly emeshed into Their FOO. Sons are getting really sick of taking a back seat, when they get a seat at all. Now...they are turning back to Momma to try and discuss things to communicate...I've gently directed them back to their wives...who are sitting happily in their Mommy's kitchens getting and giving all the emotional support from their FOO they ever did, and having a build in vent for their marriage troubles.  ???

So I'm feeling guilty. Its clear there are problems, but my feeling right now is they' re not MY problems. I want to be emotionaally supportive but where is a safe middle ground?


I am also 4 years in to the break between myself and DIL.   TMB... I have stopped directing my son to his wife.  I used to do that, and to try to stay out of their affairs, but it didn't matter.  I was still a "problem" to be dealt with.  So NOW.. if my son comes to me on his own accord for advise or  help..  I give it, or at least offer my opinion if asked.  I've stopped worrying about what DIL may like or think..  Let her take it up with HIM for asking... or is she is really really brave... ME for giving.   

It took realizing that no matter what I did, or how good and unobtrusive I tried to be... the fact that I even existed or he even acknowledged me, and valued my opinion  was an issue.  SO now.. Who cares?   I know it's unfair to the husbands.   If wifey goes to her mommy for support and understanding.. that's normal and good..   If a man goes to HIS mother.. He's considered a whimp or worse yet a "momma's boy" and is guilty of sharing personal and classified information that his mom should not know.  Yet it is FINE for her mother and FOO to be in the loop and know what she does from morning to night.   I'm  done with worrying about it. .. My advise would be... If he asks you... why not feel free to offer what you have to give.  But that's my feeling on the matter. 

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2014, 08:14:55 AM »
I have found with my YS, that just listening to his problems is what he wants most of the time.  I don't offer him marital advice, I just non-committedly will remark, "Marriage is tough huh?" "Marriage is hard work huh?" "That must be hard huh?"

I don't want him to think I don't care, but I also don't want tied up in the middle.  My new saying lately has been, "Not my Circus, not my Monkeys".  I don't say that to anyone, just repeat it to myself when I find myself wanting to give advice.  :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8966
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Four years in
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2014, 12:53:02 PM »
P - I do that, too. I heard a story about a woman hearing a knock at her door. A man was there with a wolf on a chain...it was snarling and growling. He said, ' Here's your wolf.' She said, 'That's not my wolf' and closed the door. So, I say....to myself...'That's not my wolf.'   8)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2014, 01:41:29 PM »
P - I do that, too. I heard a story about a woman hearing a knock at her door. A man was there with a wolf on a chain...it was snarling and growling. He said, ' Here's your wolf.' She said, 'That's not my wolf' and closed the door. So, I say....to myself...'That's not my wolf.'   8)

Hee Hee!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline shiny

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 168
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2014, 02:40:53 PM »
Trying, my DS is now four years into his marriage, but I haven't had to deal with anything like this so far.

DS is very private and doesn't give DH or me any details about their marriage. I'm not complaining about this though, since we raised him to be independent. And I think it should be this way.

However, if he should come for advice regarding the marriage, I would not get involved b/c that should be between him and wifey -- and if necessary, an outsider.
 
I'd probably be biased towards him, and also, if my advice turned sour, it'd be my fault... ya know?
Just my thoughts.

Offline Lillycache

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 638
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2014, 04:24:57 AM »
I see I need to clarify what I meant by giving advise if asked.  First off, it never occured to me that by advise, people automatically go to "marital advise"..    I also would not advise him on his marriage.   I have zero to no interest in his marriage.   I know it's not wedded bliss for sure.. but it would be up to my son what he wants to do in that deparment.  I respect his desire to stay and see his kids raised.  He is a much better man than his father for sure.   For that I am proud.

 NO..  when I say advise.. my mind automatically went to other advise..  like job or career related, finance related, or any of the other myriad of decisions adults face.   I still say.. if he asks me... I will give him my opinion.   I AM his mother..  Just as the other one is DILs mother.  It's not like I am a stranger off the street.   My son KNOWS he can come to me with anything..He also knows I will be there for him no matter what he decides.   It's been that way since he was a baby.. right?   If he wants to talk to me I am there to listen.

Offline FAFE

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 331
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2014, 07:59:04 AM »
Here's something I found on Facebook.  It did not have an author on it, so I'm not sure if it is permissible or not.

Sometime YOU have to LOVE people from a DISTANCE and Give them the SPACE to get their MIND right before you let them back into your life.

I think this is going to be my new motto.

Offline shiny

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 168
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2014, 09:19:47 AM »
Lily, maybe I didn't understand Trying's post?
But, I'm with you -- if DS asks my advice/opinion on other issues besides his marriage, I gladly offer it.
Actually, I wish he would ask me more, but I 'think' he's still processing the "separation from parents" and "don't tell me what to do" issue. OTOH, it's more likely a 'male' thing?

FAFE, I've been doing this for months with DD, and it works wonders! (not only for AC, but anyone who needs a "time out")
Go for it -- what have you got to lose?!

Offline tryingmybest

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 236
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2014, 11:25:11 AM »
LOL, no when sons ask my advice on anything I give it  ;D. Where I am having a problem is when they come to me moaning about their wives. Especially when it involves issues I've been grinding my teeth over. For example they are joined at the hip with their parents,and have to do EVERYTHING with Mommy...when I see my kids being put down and discounted it has always made me nuts. The one DIL makes these sarcastic put downs that are plain mean. DS is beginning to take offense finally! She says its "kidding". What I want to say is, "thats totally wrong" but I smile and urge him to work it out with his wife, because I don't want to be put oin the middle of it. But it makes me crazy.  ???

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #11 on: July 02, 2014, 12:08:34 PM »
That's what I was assuming we were talking about, marital advice.  If YS asks me about anything else, I'll gladly give him my opinion.  He has come to me about financial issues, like load interest rates for cars, or asked me about how I make my poppy seed chicken :)  Those I will answer.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8966
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Four years in
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2014, 12:14:17 PM »
My sons were so different....one is deceased. If I said it was a nice day...OS was upset because I was telling him what kind of a day it was. YS shares with me, I listen. I share with him and he listens. We seldom ask each other for advice...although I do sometimes about my MAC. ???
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lillycache

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 638
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2014, 04:12:54 AM »
That's what I was assuming we were talking about, marital advice.  If YS asks me about anything else, I'll gladly give him my opinion.  He has come to me about financial issues, like load interest rates for cars, or asked me about how I make my poppy seed chicken :)  Those I will answer.

lol!!  Funny... My DIL would get PO'd even for those questions.   If he asked me about anything financial or my opinion about what they were buying, she would get mad because SHE has a finance degree,  so of course I have no idea what I was talking about and why would he be interested in MY opinion.  If he asked me about my chicken, she would be mad because that meant he like MY chicken and how dare he when she makes perfectly wonderful chicken.  (just using your examples to illustrate what I was dealing with).. So therefore, I was afraid to say anything..   NOW.. with her out of the picture and me dealing with my son only, we are free to discuss anything and it's a blessing.   I would never go back to how it was.

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4400
    • View Profile
Re: Four years in
« Reply #14 on: July 04, 2014, 10:50:37 AM »
Pooh, so how do you make your poppy seed chicken??
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb