Author Topic: have i failed as a mom  (Read 1186 times)

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Offline shortbin1

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have i failed as a mom
« on: June 30, 2014, 12:58:57 PM »
My daughter is 22yrs old Ive had problems with her since she was 12 years old , she has been trying to be controlling, saying i don't listen to her, always giving to her twin brother but never to her, she has gotten into troubled and i bailed her out before she was 18 and told her that was the last time i will help out, i dont pay her cell phone, or car insurance i told her she needs to go out and get work she wouldnt look so i signed her up for temporary work, but she still hates me she has called me every filthy name in the book she gave me a black eye , when she was younger she kicked me in the stomach, she screams at me tells me she is going to slit her throat and hopes i die a painful death, i am 59 years old . and getting tired of fighting all the time . Of course she only pulls all of this when my husband her dad is at work, he would of kicked her out long time ago yes she still lives at home.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: have i failed as a mom
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2014, 01:19:05 PM »
Welcome, S. If you haven't already done so, we ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My take, and you may get many different approaches, is that you are supporting the abuse by supporting your daughter. If you sincerely want to break the pattern and get your life back, I'd suggest you see an attorney on how to evict her. She is of age. You and your husband will need to be united in carrying through on it. If you have what I think of as 'Yea, buts', like 'Yea but my husband doesn't agree...or what will people think' or any other 'what ifs' that may be stopping you, my last suggestion would be to see a counselor...not for her...for you. You matter...your self respect matters. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline shiny

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Re: have i failed as a mom
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2014, 02:05:51 PM »
Short, from the post, your DD sounds like a troubled young woman who could benefit from professional counsel. She has made some pretty serious threats towards your physical being. If someone told me that, I would believe them.

My forty-year old DD visited our home recently and made some rather snide comments to me which made the hair on the back of my neck bristle up! Calmed myself down when I remembered she was leaving the next day!
There's no way that I would live in this type atmosphere, especially my own home.

Don't know if your 'subject' line contains a question, but my view is 'no' you haven't failed as a mother. We do the best we can. As adults, they are responsible for themselves. Your job is complete, and you certainly deserve some peace and rest.

Everything said here is exactly what I reminded myself the past few years!

Sorry for your difficulty. Hang in there, seek counsel, then take necessary steps to get your life back.
Hopefully, your DD will get hers back, too.

Offline FAFE

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Re: have i failed as a mom
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2014, 05:41:33 AM »
You know, back in the day the gremlins came and got our children at about age 12 or so and let them go around 21, 22.  I think now that they stay along for the ride.  We (collectively) have raised a bunch of AC who know what buttons to push and when it will hurt the most.  You have not failed your child and I will tell you this, is any of my 3 had ever hit me, they would not have the chance to do it again (same for their father).  Be good to yourself, put you in the driver's seat and put your oxygen mask on first. 

Offline Lillycache

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Re: have i failed as a mom
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2014, 07:06:44 AM »
A mothers love is a powerful thing.  We all make excuses and explanations for our ACs bad behavior.  I know I am the poster child for that with my Sons drinking.  I also know how hard it is to turn our backs on a child when they are troubled or suffering.   I also think... notice I say think, the last straw for me would be suffering physical abuse at his hands.... fortunately I have not had to face that.    In answer to your question... NO you have not failed as a mother.  These are human beings with their own personalities, physical and emotional predispositions, and FREE WILL.  Our parental guidance and influence is limited once they reach the teen years.   I have nothing else to add other than these 2 cents..

Offline Pooh

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Re: have i failed as a mom
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2014, 08:05:14 AM »
Physical abuse and threats?  Yeahh......I would be telling her not to let the door hit her on the way out.  She is controlling you with fear.  Take your power back.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Didi.lost

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Re: have i failed as a mom
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2014, 12:19:46 PM »
I have to agree that its time she started taking care of her own life.  Your job is done in that respect.

How can they learn to live on their own if we are always taking care of them and giving them a roof over their head.
They dont.  Some need to learn the hard way.  Some just need something to be proud of that they did all on their own.
 I know it can totally hurt watching them do these things that we don't agree with but we all learn in our own way
"don't we"

Abuse should not be tolerated EVER.....just because we are related doesn't give them permission to do so.
You haven't failed as a mother.  We all did the best we could.

I would take care of yourself and enjoy life for a change......

Offline OptingOut

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Re: have i failed as a mom
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2014, 01:35:38 PM »
Your daughter has no right to treat you this way. She is being abusive and horribly disrespectful. I also agree that she needs to pay her own way. I hate asking my parents for anything!

One sentence in your post stuck out at me. You mentioned that your daughter feels that you give more to her twin brother. While feeling that her sibling is favored does not excuse her behavior, it could be worth it to look at whether or not you have been kinder to her brother.

I know more than one mother who are very kind to their sons yet very tough on their daughters. It is so sad, especially once those mothers realize that their actions have caused distance in their relationships with their daughters.