Author Topic: Stopping Contact  (Read 1591 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline cynthiakayaks

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
    • View Profile
Stopping Contact
« on: June 30, 2014, 11:26:05 AM »
Just found this site and I'm very grateful to find other mothers that have the same situation. My oldest son told me a year ago to stop contacting him. It's been one of the hardest years of my life. I work with my therapist and that has helped but my heart continues to feel heavy and sad each and every day. Even when I think I'm doing ok with everything, sometimes tears come spilling out of my eyes when I'm not even crying. I've had to share this with a few of my co-workers because people wonder when you have tears streaming down your face at random times. I've been trying to handle this without the aid of anti-depressants but my therapist is warning me that I might need to take them.

Reading some of these posts is giving me some hope of someday feeling better.

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8939
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2014, 12:14:23 PM »
Welcome, C. I gave you your own thread.  :) If you haven't already done so, we ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My experience was like many other ones here. Disbelief at first and what felt like unbearable pain. It wasn't but I got stuck in the unfairness, my expectations, how good our relationship once was, the lack of logic, and eventually...self pity. Many of us have traveled that road.

What changed for me, and it took time, was realizing it was abuse and I deserved better. When I got that I couldn't change it and my son had the right to choose, I started giving myself what I had lost. No, not another son...self respect and a fulfilling present and future.

This is a loving place where you will be heard and understood. Even though many of us have been down this road, we have experienced it differently and have transcended it uniquely. Hang in there. Sending hugs...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline cynthiakayaks

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2014, 02:26:04 PM »
Thank you so much for your reply, I have more tears now but out of relief more than grief.
I will head to the homepage now :)

Offline Smilesback@u

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 501
  • I will not devalue myself in the face of adversity
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2014, 02:53:57 PM »
Cynthia, you are going to be okay with this someday.  I like what Luise said that you will have a choice to respect yourself and be able to let it go, the pain, the disappointments, the expectations.  Once you are there, you will face whatever happens next.  I am working on this myself and cannot believe how long it takes for me to wake up and smell the coffee! Sending you hope and love  :-* :-* :-* :-*

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

Offline shiny

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2014, 03:08:59 PM »
Cynthia, so sorry that you're going thru this.

Yes, it's extremely painful, but it will be better one day.

I, too, love what Luise and Smiling said to you. They are spot on.

Keep reading posts/comments here, and then write when you feel like it.
It's actually therapeutic to get it out here in a place where there is understanding, and no judgment.

It's been eight years that DH and I have had to deal with semi-estranged DD, but I have turned a corner -- now the sun shines brighter and the situation doesn't monopolize my thoughts any longer.
Still have some tearful moments, but they are fewer.

There really is hope ahead ...

Offline cynthiakayaks

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 11
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2014, 07:52:30 AM »
Thank you all for the kind words!

My biggest struggle is trying to stop obsessing about him as a baby. I was all alone when I had him and fought everyone regarding keeping him and not having an abortion. When I went into labor, my mother dropped me off at the hospital and left. I was so alone and my baby became my life focus—he slept on my chest for the first year. My parents were very upset that I was an unwed mother. They encouraged his father to be a part of his life and for me to marry him…biggest mistake of my life. I married his father because I thought it was the best for my baby-not out of any kind of love. I finally divorced after 21 years of an abusive relationship. Everything I did was for my beautiful baby boy and now he hates me. It hurts so bad I can't breathe sometimes. I work very hard at dealing with this with my counselor and now I have another tool to help!!!

The compassion on this site is overwhelming and I can't believe how many other mothers are going through the exact same thing. I am especially pleased to see the diverse ages. With age comes experience and wisdom. I appreciate and respect the knowledge from more "seasoned" women!!!!!

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2014, 08:09:54 AM »
Welcome Cynthia.  What you just described is perfectly normal.  When we think of our kids, we tend to think of who they were as babies and adorable little boys and girls.  The love we poured into them and the sacrifices we chose to make.  Part of the healing is realizing we are thinking of the good memories, not the person they are now.  I had to take a big step back and look at the person my OS was now, not the person I knew then.  In doing that, I realized he was not the same and that I didn't like this person.  I will always love who he was, but I don't like who he has become.

Give yourself time and realize you deserve to be happy.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline freespirit

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 233
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #7 on: July 01, 2014, 09:13:50 AM »
Quote
I realized he was not the same and that I didn't like this person.  I will always love who he was, but I don't like who he has become.

Pooh, you said it.

Cynthia, how wonderful that you have found this haven of sympathetic souls here.   I  stopped by, never  intending to become a regular,  but the women  are truly wise and give real comfort.  My hear skipped a beat when you described holding  your son and sleeping  with him on your stomach for a year.  It  might help to look back  and comfort  yourself by thinking, I was a good loving mother.  None of us are perfect,...but if you gave your son love,  that is the biggest gift of all. If he  refuses to accept this love now, the gift  is still there between you,..for him to take or not. And in this all..I believe   those who are the loving ones, are most valuable to themselves and to others. Those that can't  see this or accept  the love  are the ones  we should feel sorry for. What a loss, for them. ...
And how wonderful that we are on the other side, - the loving side. In time you will be glad that you are the way you are,.. Others will see this  value you for your  good heart and want you in their lives.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Didi.lost

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 238
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2014, 12:03:22 PM »
Welcome to our family Cynthia

Don't beat yourself up any more..I know it's hard to take but it will get easier as time passes and you get used
to the new normal.  Taking care of yourself now and just like everyone said.....you did your best as a mother and it
is his loss to be estranged from you.

I didn't think i could even survive this feeling of despair and self pity of not seeing my DD anymore.  But it's been 2 and half years since I've seen her and I'm ok.  DH and I work a lot and are trying to save for travelling soon I hope.
Can't wait.  Got something to look forward to.

I agree with everyone......be strong and be happy anyway.

Offline Smilesback@u

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 501
  • I will not devalue myself in the face of adversity
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2014, 01:06:20 PM »
Just another thought, about love...it never dies.  I love them anyways, and by not taking an action, that is an action of love on my part. Letting it be.  It is hard not to keep pressing for more from them.  I don't want to chase after them for their attention like I am desparate to know they care about me.   

My love simply doesn't end just because they don't *need* me any more as a *mother* like they did when they were kids.  I honestly was busy as a mother raising a family and didn't do as much for my parents as they deserved. 

I hope you take comfort knowing there are others going through transitions like you.  I hope you can continue to make progress in dealing with your feelings in positive ways that build you up and sustain you.  YOU ARE WORTH IT!

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

Offline shiny

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2014, 02:06:38 PM »
Chiming back in, Cynthia, with another thought:

If it were possible to go back and reclaim at least seven of those eight years of my suffering, I'd be all over it.

IOW, it took waay too long to get through my grief, and now I feel like a big chunk of my life has been wasted -- b/c it did not change one thing.

Hope this encourages you so that on down the road, you won't be stuck like I was.
If you can focus on yourself now instead of living in the past or how you "wished" it were (like me), then the healing will come sooner -- instead of later.

Offline Smilesback@u

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 501
  • I will not devalue myself in the face of adversity
    • View Profile
Re: Stopping Contact
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2014, 02:24:07 PM »
Yes, I agree with you Shiny, so thanks for sharing what you learned.  Just wanted to confirm and reinforce what you said because it means a lot to me to know when to let it go.   

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter