Author Topic: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?  (Read 1099 times)

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Offline lokin4answer

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AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« on: June 26, 2014, 01:17:56 PM »
In my past posts I have written about how unaccepting  my AC have been where I am concerned.  When I do see them, it is on their terms, like me driving one of them to the doctor, or baby sitting (which I love), but it always comes in the form of them needing my help.  I have told them I will always be here for them and will do what I can when I can.  They never ask me how I am doing or feeling, it simply is me asking them standard questions and them answering them.  I try to engage them in conversations, but to no avail. 

Well, their GM, my DM is in end stage dementia.  She has been moved home to my sisters to be taken care of until she passes.  None of my AC have asked how Grandma is doing, not one word....and she was a big part of their growing up years.  They live 7 miles away and have made no attempt to see her.  It hurts me to think they are so callous towards their dying grandma.  So my question is, do I call or text them to tell them that their GM  has been given a 1 to 2 week life expectancy, or just wait till she passes and let them know then?  We have decided there will be no calling hours, or service because of the splintering of not only my family but extended family.  Isn't it sad that this is what it comes to? 

We all make choices, and I guess we have to accept the consequences of our choices.

Thanks for listening..
S. W.

Offline shiny

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2014, 01:41:17 PM »
Lokin, so sorry to hear about your mother.

And yes, it's sad how fractured our families can become when different ones hold onto offenses.
Sometimes, these situations go on for so long that no one can remember what offended them -- just that they are angry.

I would let them know NOW about her condition. Then it's their choice as how to respond.
Sometimes hearts are changed in situations when end of life is at hand.
They may have some last words to speak with her.

At any rate, they could not fault you for not letting them know.

Again, sorry for this difficult time you're going thru. It's even worse when family members are at odds with each other.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2014, 02:12:17 PM »
My take is to tell them without expectations no matter what their history with her...then and now. You will probably be criticised either way...so follow your heart. Then let it go afterward as much as possible, so you can focus on her and your own process. Very painful, at best. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Elise

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2014, 09:02:53 PM »
I am so sorry to read about your mom. Notifying your ac of their grandma's condition and where she is living now is a good idea I think. Maybe adding a caveat that although no one knows how long she has, there has been talk of 1-2 weeks.
Please take care of yourself, this is hard stuff!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2014, 09:52:26 PM »
Good to see you, Elise!  :)

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Elise

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2014, 08:34:03 PM »
Right back at you Louise and all!

Offline jdtm

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2014, 05:15:18 AM »
Lokin4answer:  Totally relate.  Our dear mother passed away a month ago.  Most of the grandchildren did not visit her during her last few months.  When she reached "palliative care", I let all of the grandchildren know of the "turn of events".  Half of them did visit her during her last week - the other half (although within a 30-minute drive) did not.  Then, when she passed away, I made the telephone call.  All except one attended the funeral.

All of them loved her very deeply, and yet when they had to choose "her" or "me", some selfishly chose "me".  Some chose "her".  The ones who saw her during the last week of her life were grateful for the opportunity; the others - I did not ask nor did they comment.  Please accept our condolences - so sorry .....

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2014, 02:19:59 PM »
Do whatever you feel is best.  I know you can't know how you are going to feel, but try to guess: are you going to be more resentful if you inform them and they ignore you and GM or are you going to feel more guilty if you keep the info from them?  Is it possible for another relative or family friend to pass the news along?  In your shoes I think I would feel better telling them because then I can at least say I didn't allow my own problems to get in the way of other people's relationships. 

My prayers are with you and your mother. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2014, 08:36:47 AM »
My Mother and I have already talked about this.  She says if things don't change with OS, SHE doesn't want me to contact them.  She's been so hurt as well by his shunning that she has already told me that she doesn't even want me to call if something happens to her or Daddy.  The way I feel about it is the same as her.  I don't want someone coming to see me just because they feel guilty and to ease their conscious.  If I'm not good enough for a relationship now, then I'm not good enough then.

In your case, if you haven't had that type of conversation with your Mother, then I agree with the others.  I would text them or a simple phone call, give them what information you have and then leave it up to them. 

So sorry.  I know none of this is easy.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline FAFE

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Re: AC grandma on death bed, do I tell them?
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2014, 10:16:47 AM »
I tell my children all the time don't worry about coming back for a funeral for me - but it was a requirement that they came when their grandparents died.  No excuses, I told them 3 months in advance that their GD was in his last days to have their funeral clothes ready - they neither came before he died,  but did for the funeral.  When their GM got sick they had both planned a trip to see her, but the Good Lord had other plans and she passed away before their scheduled time to visit.  They both came for the funeral.  There was no question at all about our DD being here because she lives close and visited her GP's pretty often.