Author Topic: Need to get this out  (Read 2116 times)

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Offline shiny

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Need to get this out
« on: June 25, 2014, 05:27:40 PM »
Here I am again, reading older posts about how to move past the hurt and disappointment with my DS.
He's been married four years and they have a little one.

The good thing: I see GC frequently, and DS calls me weekly. We've always had close relationship, although it's changing since the marriage. I understand that's normal.

The hurtful thing: DS, DIL and GC spend lots of time with her FOO.
Mothers Day and Fathers Day went by and DS didn't make any effort to visit us, but they can go to her FOO's vacation home for the weekend.

This probably sounds like middle school stuff, but it's painful when we aren't considered.
I've mentioned several times to DS that we miss seeing them, or wish we could see you more, etc.
It seems to go in one ear and out the other and doesn't change a thing.
Frankly, I'm tired of sounding so "needy."
Just don't understand how they can be so inconsiderate, though, b/c DS is usually sensitive to other's needs. He really does have a big heart.
DH and I want to spend time with DS and his family, making memories with the little one, too.
What bothers me most is the unfairness of it all -- that DIL's family is treated differently.

If I don't nip this, jealousy will take hold and don't want to be enslaved to that ...

Tell me, someone, will this EVER get better?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2014, 06:15:06 PM »
S - We all have different experiences, as you know. My experience is that..."No, it doesn't get any better." They are adults and get to make up their own rules. I eventually learned that my expectations were mine and no one was responsible for filling them. Not liking things how they were didn't change things and it started to change me. That's too high a price to pay to my way of thinking. Eventually, I just wasn't willing to focus on what felt unfair to me, even though my expectations were pretty minimal. Trying to change it was useless. We can't change others. Once I got that my comments and take on the situation were of no interest, I started focusing beyond my biological family. At age 87, I now have six grown women (all actually grandmothers)...that all call me 'mom' and would take a bullet for me in a nanosecond. I didn't go looking for them, they found me, one by one. Sometime just one hangs out with me and sometimes we all get together. It's wonderful! When I decided to have a life...life came to me. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline shiny

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2014, 06:28:21 PM »
Thank you, Luise, your words are comforting -- and I get what you are saying.

Just last week I went to a book club meeting for the first time. There were about twelve young women there, young enough to be my daughters, but they all graciously welcomed me.
I believe there's a purpose for me there -- hopefully, I can contribute to their lives, and they can probably help me!

But it's hard to look beyond biological family sometimes and expand our borders.
I'm going to work harder!

And wished I were closer to you in location! Would love to hang out with you, Luise!

Offline Pooh

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2014, 06:01:57 AM »
It only gets better when acceptance comes to you.  The only way to move forward and not get stuck in the injustice of it all, it to accept that this is how they want it and enjoy the time you are getting.  I figured out the other day, although I did know it already it just put it in a different light, how our own expectations so trip us up.  My younger DS is in the military and stationed 15 hrs away from us.  They had a second son born a few months ago that I still haven't got to see in person.  But it dawned on me the other day, while I was skyping with them, I'm not hurt or upset at it.  Why?  Because knowing that they are that far away and neither of us have the vacation time to plan a visit for awhile, is the reason.  Sure I would love to hold him and see him in person, but circumstances are what they are and it makes me perfectly happy to see them on skype and talk to both my Grandsons.

It kind of put it in perspective for me all of a sudden the other night.  It truly is based on our expectations.  I had no expectations of seeing him for awhile and I'm not upset, because my expectations were that I wouldn't.  I knew it would be like this because I accepted a long time ago he was in the military and would be moving around and not be near us.  Not upset at all and just looking forward to the day I do get to see them again.  I'm not on the phone with them whining about not seeing them.  I'm not pressuring them or complaining that they aren't making time for us.  I don't even think about it because that is how it is.

So Luise is totally right.  Changing your expecations is the only way to be happy.  It has nothing to do with their attitude, it's all about yours.  You've got to find a way to accept that talking to your DS once a week and getting to see GS on occastion is how it is and what else they choose to do is ok.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #4 on: June 26, 2014, 06:35:55 AM »
Quote
It only gets better when acceptance comes to you.  The only way to move forward and not get stuck in the injustice of it all, it to accept that this is how they want it and enjoy the time you are getting

NO truer words spoken.   This is mostly how it goes in our society.  "Leave and Cleave"  has become the standard and expected behavior.  That means a man is expected to "Leave" his FOO... and "Cleave" to his wife's Foo.  Judging from the majority of the posts here and at other sites, this is true.  So what do you do?  Not much you can.. except to accept the inevitabliley and know that you are NOT alone.  It's how it goes for the family of males.  I can tell you that once your REALLY accept the situation, and hone your own life and interests to suit you... it DOES become easier.   I find now that when my DS calls and wants to bring the kids by.... I have no problem telling him that I have other plans and we need to make it some other time.   I don't know if that bothers his..  I doubt it.   I think he is relieved to not have me making demands or playing the martre roll.   

Isn't it interesting though that this is a Western phenomenon.  In Asian cultures, it's the opposite, and the woman is expected to leave her family and join her husbands.  That's why everyone there wants male children.  Without Social Security the elderly depend on their kids for support and care.

Offline shiny

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2014, 06:41:10 AM »
(Pooh said)
The only way to move forward and not get stuck in the injustice of it all, it to accept that this is how they want it and enjoy the time you are getting.

P, you're absolutely right. But, admittedly, I am "stuck."

I keep thinking it's not right/fair; it's not how I dreamed things would be ...
Not sure if this makes sense, but I'm hung up here because of the close relationship DS has had with us for thirty-something years, and now, he doesn't make time to continue that connection, although he makes the effort for the other side -- (who have NOT poured into his life)
So, this is where I have some work to do, and cross that bridge to the other side, so to speak.

I'm thankful for you wise women who give the hard, yet truthful, words of reality, and hope that they will penetrate my stubborn heart so I can get a break-thru in this area.

Guess it takes each person a different time frame to accept it and move on. Mine is going slowly.

Offline shiny

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2014, 06:52:30 AM »
(LC said) I can tell you that once your REALLY accept the situation, and hone your own life and interests to suit you... it DOES become easier.

LC, I hope to reach this place where you are, and hope it's sooner than later!

But it's going to take some labor on my end...like, Pooh ends her posts with: letting go of the life we planned to receive the one we've been given. hmmm.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2014, 07:42:14 AM »
It is a different time frame for each person Shiny.  There is no magic number.  It is when you decide that yes, you poured your heart, soul, money, everything...into your child(children) but in reality, they don't owe you anything.  You decide that you were a great Mother, although we all make mistakes, and that you gave your child the best you had to give.  And then you pat yourself on the back for doing such a great job, and the proof is in they are living their lives, making it on their own and finding their own way now.

Then you reward yourself by realizing that it is now time for you to be happy in your adult years.  You deserve fun, laughter, adventures, peace and happiness.  We all want to be included in our children's lives, and that is not a unrealistic expectation, but we deserve to be happy even if it doesn't work out that way.  How many times did we as Mothers, when our kids were young and driving us bonkers, think "What I wouldn't give for a day off to just do what I want to do!"  I know I did, plenty of times when raising kids was so hectic at times.  Now we have that opportunity and we're not taking it?

Pat yourself on the back, forget about what's fair or not fair and go have some fun!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline shiny

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #8 on: June 26, 2014, 08:24:15 AM »
Pooh, tears are spilling over here, but thank you, for this phenomenal post.

You said everything that I needed to hear, and this seals it ...
Hope it will help other, too.

Also, you've probably saved me months of counseling, and money (which I can spend on me, ha!)

Appreciate you so much.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #9 on: June 26, 2014, 08:48:56 AM »
S - That's why we are a forum and not an advice column. What one person writes reaches your mind...then what another writes reaches your heart. It has to get past the emotional barrier that is there to defend and go deeper to heal your Spirit. The most important part, however, is you willingness. That's what you bring to us. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline shiny

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #10 on: June 26, 2014, 09:02:22 AM »
Hugs back to you, Luise ... you are precious.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2014, 09:55:19 AM »
What's hard is getting a life of your own... expecially if you became a mother very young.  I was rocking a 3 week old baby on my 21st birthday... no partying.. no celebrating... just rocking..... in a chair... not the dance floor!.   So really, how much of a life did I have before becoming a mother?  Not much.    THEN... suddenly you are told to get a life at 50 or 60?  AND one that does NOT include your kids at that..  It's a daunting thing, but not impossible.  Like Pooh said..  nows our chance to think of ourselves and enjoy.  Did you ever think you would have to dragged kicking and screaming toward enjoyment and freedom..??   I sure didn't.   lol!!

Offline shiny

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #12 on: June 26, 2014, 10:09:12 AM »
LC: you are too funny (kicking/screaming) !

I'm beginning to see the irony of the whole issue!

Perhaps it's just a bruised ego I need to nurse ...

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #13 on: June 26, 2014, 11:57:39 AM »
I KNOW I had a bruised ego.  I was so sure I was just a lovely MIL and tried my best to be fun and friendly, and helpful and someone any DIL would want to be around.   I like most here was absolutely SHOCKED to the core when I found out abruptly how wrong I was and how much DIL didn't want me around.  So yes..  some of it was ego..  How could she NOT find me wonderful... geez..    But then I found this group and slowly began to see that I was not experiencing anything unusual.  It has happened to just about everyone here in one way or the other. 

Offline shiny

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Re: Need to get this out
« Reply #14 on: June 26, 2014, 01:25:08 PM »
Oh yeah, LC, I've been here, too, with the DIL.

Did the whole nice, kind, supportive thing, but it wasn't received too well, nor reciprocated.

Actually, I've made tremendous progress in my mental state about it, though.
And many of the posts here helped me thru it.

Hope I don't fall backwards, but keep pressing forward.
It was causing me lots of sadness and anger, too, but for the most part, am over that.