Author Topic: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted  (Read 1321 times)

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Offline Annette Marie

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please help me, I keep posting by my post do not show.  It is about my adult son, who always cons me into getting things for him and does not pay me
Like  cable, internet, movie channels and basic TV.
Things are in my name and I get called about unpaid bills. After Threats from me he will pay some on the bill, and the cable company accept some of the payment, but there is constantly a large balance forward.  My husband and I have great credit with never a overdue bill, and I am becoming so nervous and sick about this. After much discussions with me son, he said I can cut off everything, as his kids are going to their mothers for the summer. The problem is, with the large balance owing, I will have to cover this bill in ordered to be cut off.  I am sorry that part of this package is for Internet, which he needs for business, but I have no choice, we are just not financially able to keep carrying these bills.
The biggest thing right now, that my husband is not aware of (I went behind his back) and now I cannot eat or sleep that I have kept this from him My son bought a new car and was unable to get it registered until Toll Highway Bills are paid up. Here in Toronto it is called ETR Highway a Toll Highway. To get his new car registered he used my driver's license (with my knowledge) as I have not outstanding amount due.  Of course he got his new car but it seems the ownership is in my name, with vehicle stickers and driver's license renewals coming soon.  _Please I need advised, how do I get this car out of my name.  I know my son has no other avenue of getting help for this new car, he needs it for work, but I need advice to get it out of my name.  I just got a large ETR Toll bill that he ran up on this new vehicle, bills come to my house.  He said he will pay it next week, but by next week there is a 10% penalty on bills.  My husband knows how I get sucked in with my son and my grandchildren are the pawns. Please give my advice, I cannot function at the moement

Offline Annette Marie

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2014, 11:15:46 AM »
Further to my post.  I am so desperate right now with advice,whether it be harsh.  I need some advice on how to I get out of the "bind regarding" his vehicle in my name.  I know he needs a car for work, but at the same time, our credit is at stake, not mentioning the financial burden. Has anyone had this situation and how did they handle. He is a single parent with three wonderful children.  My son has not grown up and will spend on things that make no sense.  He does not live for tomorrow only today, I cannot change that.  I just want to start changing what is happening now.  We are very elderly and it is affecting our health dramatically.

Offline Annette Marie

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2014, 12:07:22 PM »
I am sorry if I sound so impatient for hearing some thoughts and replies to do with my post.
If my post is not appropriate in any way or I am on the wrong type of forum, could someone advise me.
I was given the name of this forum from a friend, who lived daily from the advise of others.
thanking you in advance and when you ladies have the time, I am hear waiting for expert advise from what I was told, "were excellent with their sound advice".

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2014, 02:11:50 PM »
AM - First of all, our forum is often quiet on Sundays...so not to worry.

If you haven't already done so, we ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My suggestion is that you start out by telling your husband the truth. I  don't think you can resolve the situation without that as your foundation. Your and your husband are a team. You acted on your own and need to get that out into the open and recitied before deciding what to do about it.

Easy? No way! Necessary? Absolutely! We are all human and fallible. What I would like you to see is that by example you are teaching your son to be dishonest. My guess is the next step, if it hasn't already happened, is that he will be dishonest with you. Once you and your husband are on the same page, you will present a united front. You may need an attorney. I know nothing of the laws where you live...and you need to act quickly. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2014, 02:23:54 PM »
P.S. My son, who is our Webmaster, just notified me that our Server has been down and isn't back to full operation, so others may have tried to get on and failed. This is the first time in four years...but...at the moment it doesn't help you much to know that. I'm so sorry.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2014, 06:40:21 AM »
Welcome AM.  My, you have created a mess for yourself.  And yes, although your DS has taken advantage of you, you have not only agreed to it, but went out of your way to help him do things wrong. 

I agree with Luise as far as first step is to definately come clean with hubby.  Then you, together, can come up with a plan on how to pay everything off.  I would be cancelling everything you have in your name, even if it did make you liable for the balances.  You are already liable for the balances so why give him the opportunity to run them up higher? 

As far as the other, I also agree with Luise.  I think you need to consult an attorney.  What you did with the license is fraud.  I'm sorry, no matter what your "good" intentions were for your DS, you lied and committed fraud.  I think at this point, you will need an attorney to sort that one out and see what the consequences are.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline freespirit

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2014, 11:49:59 AM »
Oh dear, Annette Marie,  you have three  horrible conflicts going on at the same time:  having to confess to your husband, getting out of the financial mess, and hoping to help out your son,  as well as your grandchildren.

What to do? 

Well, I would start by being honest with your husband, as Luise suggested.  First cook him his favorite meal, give him a drink, and be as sweet as possible, admitting right away that you made a big mistake.
Then I would  try to sell that car as soon as possible, to cover your bills. You can sell it…it's in your name.  Your son will have to  figure out  a solution, all by himself as to how he can get to work. 

You need to stop making your sons problems your problems.  When our son  was constantly on our necks for  financial help, we finally drew the line. We told him, he can always  move back home, but  we   won't pay another cent.

If your son is a single parent, you could always offer to take in the children, till he gets  his life in order. In such a case, I do believe most cities, in every country, would  give you, as grandparents financial  support for raising the children.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Annette Marie

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2014, 05:12:07 PM »
I don't want you ladies to think I posted then left the scene.  I appreciate your input on my situation and have been reading and rereading these replies.  I am in a hard place right now.  My physical and mental health are not very good right now and I seem to go into panic attacks and crying jags lately and just feel really down.  I was at the local hospital today and have a meeting on Wednesday with a psycologist ( sorry about spelling) as I was experiencing chest pains this morning and after blood tests, there is not heart problems, just anxiety problems.  The doctor on call could see how I was and said that I should meet with this health person, to get my mental state checked out.
All that you ladies have posted is true about what I should do and what I have brought on to myself.
I know that I have to get strong in mind in body and start to get the ball rolling in dealing with the issues at hand.
I told my husband all about this and he did not have much to say, other than, from now on, let me deal with our adult children and please always come to me first before you make decisions on your own that may result in loads of trouble down the road
I have to add, (and this is not for you to feel sorry for me) I lost my youngest daughter last year and I am still trying to cope with this grief. I miss her so much, as she was my rock of Gibraltar.  Thank you again laddies, I still look forward to your comments


Offline Sarah

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2014, 03:19:17 AM »
Annette - I am so deeply sorry about your daughter.  I think your husband gave you the best advice of all, let him deal with your adult children.  You are struggling and don't need to worry about a financial burden from your son as well.  I am glad your husband stepped in and I hope that eases your mind.  Please just look after your health.  Let the rest go.  (((hugs))).

Offline FAFE

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2014, 05:26:10 AM »
Yes, let your husband handle things now and please close the bank of mom and dad.  He's your son - not your responsibility for his debts for the rest of his life.  I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and I know that will always be on your mind, but remember that she'll always be in your heart.   Prayers going up for your family.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2014, 06:31:32 AM »
So sorry for your loss.  I'm very glad you told hubby everything and very, very glad he stepped up to offer to deal with it.  I'm also glad you are seeing Doctors.  You will never be able to go forward until you get yourself healthy.  We tend to forget about our own physical/emotional well being when it comes to our kids, no matter how old they are. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Annette Marie

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2014, 04:10:03 PM »
I thank you ladies for your posts.  I am still here just at a loss right now at what to say.  I am very tired and it is even hard for me to think.
I have the most supportive husband and wife would love to have.  The reason I hide certain things from him as I don't want him to get upset, as he has major heart problems.  I have always tried to handle situations myself, but this time it has been to hard to bear and at the suggestions of you ladies, I sat and told him quite a few situations, where I got my son out of debt, without him knowing.  I was concerned for my grandchildren and believed by helping my son, I am helping my GC.  I was so elated when my husband, said it is now his turn to handle these things.  He was not upset that I had helped my son out before as the amounts where not large but he told me, whether it is large or small, "the buck stops here" and the money is better in our pockets than our sons.
Of course, I cried, and thanked him for being my husband.
I will get you updated.
Much appreciation to all concerned.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Continue to help adult son financially and always get shafted
« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2014, 07:08:04 PM »
Thanks for wrapping it up, AM. It sounds like you have turned a much needed corner. Do you feel like you are complete with this thread and want to close it? We can do that. It doesn't mean the WWU door isn't still open. Let me know. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama