Author Topic: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me  (Read 5000 times)

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Offline lostmom

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Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« on: June 09, 2014, 09:13:15 PM »
Mine is a little bit of a long story, but in order for anyone to be able to understand and hopefully give me answers I have to tell the whole story. I married a very abusive man back in the 80's.  Did not know at the time he was going to be abusive.  I had a 4 yr old son when I married and wound up having 2 daughters with him. Than toward the end of the marriage, I had an affair and had a set of twins. I lost custody of my 2 girls through the courts due to the affair. I kept my son and the twins as they were not children  of the  marriage.  Husband was very abusive to my 2 girls and I was fighting in court to regain custody of my 2 girls. It all got to be very stressful and the father of the twins agreed to take the twins and raise them as one of them was handicapped if I agreed to stay out of their lives. I had considered putting them up for adoption, but since the dad was willing to raise them, I thought that would be a better choice.  I fought for almost 7 years to regain custody of my daughters.  In the meantime, I met my current husband who is wonderful and we have been together for 28 years.  He was always kind and good to my girls when I had visits with them and raised my son as he were his own.  When I finally got custody of my girls back after going through hell and nightmares, my husband welcomed them. My oldest daughter and I have always had problems, but now she hates me, will not speak to me, has tried to put me in jail twice, not allowed to see my grandchildren and said she hopes I die!! My youngest daughter and I had a great relationship up until about 6 months ago when she started talking to my oldest daughter again and now is pulling away from and has become very distant and has stopped wanting to spend time with me. She argues with me all the time and it's just getting worse. My son who is 39 now - we always got along great until he was about 30 and it's been on and off with him. We go for long periods without talking than talk for awhile, than it all starts again with the not talking. Basically my oldest is the only that has said she hates me and I am insane, but my other daughter and son treat me like I nothing more often than not and they basically really want nothing to do with me...  It hurts very much and I don't know why this has happened. I made lots of mistakes when they were little I admit it, I was not a perfect parent and could not be there through the most important years for my daughters.  I was fighting to get them back and somewhat neglected my son while all the court battles were going on.  Someone please tell me what you think.  I know my oldest daughter could care less if I dropped dead and I feel as though my other daughter and son are boarderline on that thought.  I don't know what to do anymore as I have so much hurt and sadness that it is destroying me and I have to figure out how to move on and let it go. But I have to know why my daughter hates me so much and why my other 2 really don't care if they were to ever see me again.
There are a lot of other details, but if I tried to tell everything, I'd be writing a book. I will be happy to give more details if someone thinks they could help me if they knew more.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2014, 09:25:53 PM »
Welcome, LM. We as all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

My take on your situation is that your adult children get to choose. You can't change them. I know that's harsh but that's been my experience. All I was able to do was to focus on my own life and the love there and not let others ruin it for me. You are married to a fine man. What a blessing.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline lostmom

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2014, 09:33:30 PM »
Thank you.  I did read the Read Me First, but due to medical problems, I don't take in things very good.  I don't always understand. Do I mis post or post something I should not have? I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, but a huge part of my heart is missing not having my children and grandchildren in my life...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2014, 10:10:26 PM »
We direct everyone to those posts when they join...not to worry.

You are stating a natural preference that I completely understand. Acceptance didn't come easy to me, either. What I found, and each us of us must find our own answers, was that I was lessening the quality of my life by not giving my full attention what I did have. The loss seemed like too much and the decisions made against unbearable. I thought I could find a way to fix it and to restore balance and mutual respect. That was my mission and it was never taken into consideration. Adjusting to the reality of that, gave me my life back. This was my experience. You will hear from others. My solution was to learn to have things be the way they were. I am 87 years old. A lot of water has 'gone under the bridge' for me. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline OptingOut

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2014, 08:08:23 AM »
Have you ever asked your adult children why they hate you? I think that would be a good place to start.

I am very sorry that you are going through this. It must be heart wrenching.

My mother and I do not have a close relationship. She wants to be closer but I keep her at an arm's length to keep myself safe emotionally. She was abusive growing up and it continued into adulthood. My mother started to be kinder to me when she saw that I won't have her in my life if she is too negative. She wasn't invited to my wedding and I won't have her in my home.

No parents are perfect as parents are just people. Do you think that acknowledging your mistakes to your adult children might help? I know it helped me when my mother apologized to me for her behavior around my wedding.

Offline lostmom

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2014, 10:20:57 AM »
I have admitted my mistakes to my children, told them I wish I could turn the hands of time back and do it all over again.  I have told them I love them all very much and will always love them!!  I never ever abused my children. But sadly yes, they were subject to abuse from my X husband.  My oldest daughter puts her dad on the top of the world.  My young daughter and my son do not speak to him at all.   I have tried especially hard with my oldest daughter and she is the one that has said she wishes I was dead.. I have spoken to my children, and the two we don't hate you, we just hate what we had to through in our childhood.  My oldest says she hates me because I am POS and insane and her dad never touched  me........ and I cheated on her dad and I am the worst mother on earth.  Since you are distance from your mother, maybe you can relate to my daughter's feelings???  If your mom came to you and tried over and over and over, would you still shun her.  I am sorry that you don't have your mom in your life as I know it must bother you somewhat and I am very sorry you were subject to abuse!  It does leave a lifetime impact on you... 

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2014, 10:45:16 AM »
I have admitted my mistakes to my children, told them I wish I could turn the hands of time back and do it all over again.  I have told them I love them all very much and will always love them!!  I never ever abused my children. But sadly yes, they were subject to abuse from my X husband.  My oldest daughter puts her dad on the top of the world.  My young daughter and my son do not speak to him at all.   I have tried especially hard with my oldest daughter and she is the one that has said she wishes I was dead.. I have spoken to my children, and the two we don't hate you, we just hate what we had to through in our childhood.  My oldest says she hates me because I am POS and insane and her dad never touched  me........ and I cheated on her dad and I am the worst mother on earth.  Since you are distance from your mother, maybe you can relate to my daughter's feelings???  If your mom came to you and tried over and over and over, would you still shun her.  I am sorry that you don't have your mom in your life as I know it must bother you somewhat and I am very sorry you were subject to abuse!  It does leave a lifetime impact on you...



I'm so sorry you are going through this Lostmom.  I'm going to put my two cents in as a person that came from an emotionally abusive upbringing.   For so many years I blamed my parents for everything that was wrong in my world.  I blamed them for my emotional responses and for how I viewed the world, and yes for everything wrong in my adult relationships.  As I grew older and more mature, I began to realize the I was the one in control of my reactions and my emotions, and that it was time to stop blaming someone else for my problems.  When you get older you realize this.  Everything wrong in my life was because or ME... not my mother, not my father.   It was a relief to let go of the anger and the finger pointing.. and as an adult, I knew I needed to work on ME.. and not hide behind a cop out.   I tell that to my grown sons when they start the blame game.   I have told them its time for them to grow the heck up and take responsibility for their actions and feelings.  And they are starting to see that now that they are both in their 40's.    I don't know how old your kids are, but I am sure in time they will realize what they are doing.   I know it's hurtful, but I think in time they will understand that a parent can only influence us so much, the rest is up to us.  Then again some never learn, as it's much easier to place the blame on others rather than ourselves.  I don't know if this helps you..  I'm sure you were a great mom.  They are just viewing things through immature eyes. Be patient and they will realize it sooner or later.   There is not much you can do until then.

Offline OptingOut

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2014, 04:31:20 PM »
I have admitted my mistakes to my children, told them I wish I could turn the hands of time back and do it all over again.  I have told them I love them all very much and will always love them!!  I never ever abused my children. But sadly yes, they were subject to abuse from my X husband.  My oldest daughter puts her dad on the top of the world.  My young daughter and my son do not speak to him at all.   I have tried especially hard with my oldest daughter and she is the one that has said she wishes I was dead.. I have spoken to my children, and the two we don't hate you, we just hate what we had to through in our childhood.  My oldest says she hates me because I am POS and insane and her dad never touched  me........ and I cheated on her dad and I am the worst mother on earth.  Since you are distance from your mother, maybe you can relate to my daughter's feelings???  If your mom came to you and tried over and over and over, would you still shun her.  I am sorry that you don't have your mom in your life as I know it must bother you somewhat and I am very sorry you were subject to abuse!  It does leave a lifetime impact on you...

It used to bother me so much that I looked for mother figures. Unfortunately, I attracted older women with issues of their own who were just as critical as La Maman was. Mothering can come from anyone. When I am loved and accepted by my husband, as well as nurtured when I need it, he is mothering me. When I play with my nieces and look after them, I am mothering those precious girls. Not having a good mother in my life was certainly a loss but I have grieved it now. She wants to be best friends now because she feels guilty, but I feel the need to protect myself. I visit and speak to my mother, but I will never have her in my home as she is too rude and disruptive. I also refrain from sharing anything too private with her as she loves to gossip about me.

It was very good of you to acknowledge your mistakes as a parent. Many parents don't know how to do this at all. I could see why your children would be angry that you cheated as it led to difficulties for them. Another possibility is parental alienation. Sometimes when there is a divorce, one parent manipulates the children to turn against the other one. I believe that your children have been fed a steady diet of hateful things about you by their father. When my father's affair came to light, my mother poisoned her children's minds against my father. I still love my father because he was so kind to me growing up and he still is. I also have sympathy for him as my mother was a screeching harridan who treated my father very badly. Any other man would have left my mother.


Offline lostmom

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2014, 07:00:49 PM »
I can agree with you on your post on most things.  I will say that I stay married faithfully to their very abusive father for 7 years.  We were living in separate residences when I had an affair though. Yes, I am sure it did hurt my children, don't try to deny that. My children were subject to abuse from my x husband, I was put in the hospital twice from him and in desperation I turned to another man..  VERY MUCH WRONG.  Should have never done that. My kids are now 31, 34 and 39. And actually my 31 yr old and had no problems at all until just the past couple of months when she started talking to my 34 year after 5 years of not speaking to her.  I say they hate me, but in reality my 34 is the only one that truly hates me.  My 39 year son is more angry and distance as I allowed the abuse.  I did not leave the marriage as I should have right away.  I was young and scared and did try to leave a few times and he would literally hunt me down and hurt one of the children until I came home.  Yes, they have a screwed up childhood and I should have been stronger and they have all been told this.  I don't lie to them, pretend I was innocent and accept blame when I should. But I have basically lost all my children and I don't know what else to do to get them to forgive and move forward.  I am not rude to them,  I don't gossip, and I don't do anything disruptive to them. I think I have done all I can and they are just never going to forgive me!!  And yes, the X poisoned their minds terribly!!    But I am still the bad guy.  I guess I have to accept this and find happiness without them which is going to be very very hard.  But I am out of options.  I tried with my 34 for several years with no success.  My 39 year old and I talk every so often and now my 31 that I was very close with is closing the door to me.

Offline jdtm

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2014, 05:27:29 AM »
Quote
I don't know what else to do to get them to forgive and move forward.

lostmom - I am so sorry.  IMHO - "what else to do to get them to forgive" - nothing.  It is their call.  And what to to to "move forward" - everything.  It is your call.  Funny, after our elder son left our lives, when my husband and I moved forward, he returned.  I think it might have had something to do with allowing him to reconcile with things and allowing him to do this on his own terms.  We left the door open but backed way off.  Things still are not great, but at least, he and his family are in our lives (and getting better).  Really, all we have is one life - ours.  Ours to live as best we can.  I wish I had an answer or a fix (like you I tried them all), but I don't.  So sorry ....

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2014, 07:41:24 AM »
Lostmom... I am writing this as a daughter that held her mother responsible for staying with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father.   I blamed my mother for being weak, for not protecting me, for allowing me to grow up in constant turmoil and fear.   It pains me so so so very deeply, that I was not always the best daughter to my mother after I had grown and married.  In fact, I was darn right nasty to her many times and I am sure caused her horrible pain and sadness.  I was her ownly daughter... and I was a beast.  All I could think about was myself and what I was feeling.   I had little regard for her or what she went though.

As I got older and mom had passed, I started to re-examine the past and peel the onion back on a very complex situation. I began to see HER side.. and HER upbringing, and HER situation.  I started to have compassion for her and what she had gone through and her reasons for being as she was.  All too late I may add.   Lostmom.. I actually feel sorry for your daughter.  Right now all she feels is her own pain.   But trust me... in the future, as maturity and hindsight take hold, she will feel horrible guilt and sadness for her behavior.   I can tell you.... there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my mom and wish I had behaved differently... especially at the end when she was so ill.   If there is one thing in my life that still can bring me to my knees in tears.... it's that.    I know there is little comfort for YOU in this post, but it is my hope for you that your own daughter comes to her senses while she still has you as her mom... because it's gutwretching to not be able to make things better or ask forgiveness.     

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2014, 10:16:44 AM »
In rereading this thread from the beginning...it seems to me that we have come up against something we have seen before. The circumstances change but the dynamics don't. Once our children reach adulthood, our job is done. Adulthood doesn't mean they are mature...but it does mean that they get to 'figure it out' for themselves. They get to make their own rules and learn from the consequences...or not. We did out best. Our job is done.

Where we can get stuck is in our expectations. They are ours. No one is responsible for fulfilling them. We can get stuck in our very reasonable hopes and dreams that our 'kids' will remain in our lives and so will our grands and that we will all get past anything that might threaten that...real or imagined.

Adult children can get stuck and that can be part of their path for a while. Finding someone to blame can be very appealing. Learning and growing into maturity can be bypassed and their behavior can be someone elses's fault. It is possible to live life out in that skewed reality.

We have a new job after we acknowledge the grief and pain. For most of us, that's a necessary step and it is often done here. Some of us get angry, many of us think we can fix it. That was our job when they were little. But...again, that job is done. To survive, we have to move through the injustice, lack of forgiveness and sometimes the blatant rewriting of history. Our greatest danger after getting our hearts broken is getting stuck, ourselves...in self-pity. It can rob us of the rest of our lives.

We don't have to like it...and that's good since we never will...but the rest of our lives doesn't have to be adult-child/grands dependent. It's a preference, a wish, a hope, a dream but it is not guaranteed. We can move on through our own continued learning and growing, turn toward the positive in our lives and create more of it. That choice is ours and we're worth saving.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2014, 10:18:15 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline lostmom

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2014, 10:25:04 AM »
OMG, I am in tears from your post.  God Bless you and know that you mom is and always will be watching over you.  Even if you say you were a beast to you her, take it from me,  she still loved you with all her heart.  I can understand how you would have blamed your mom as I understand why children blame me.  I was weak - just as your mom.  Thankfully, hopefully, you have never been in a abusive relationship.  Some people think "just walk away from the abuser".  It's not that easy.  I know- I tried. Thank you for honest post.  I do know my children blame me for staying and hope with all my heart that one day while I am still alive, they can peel back the layers as you said.  My oldest is 35 and has only gotten worse with me.  I sadly think I will leave this world with no relationship with her.  It saddens me beyond words!  I miss her and my 3 beautiful grandchildren.  But as she said, she can't wait for me to drop dead so she can spit on my grave and hang a banner airing my dirty laundry!!!   I lost my mom in 2009 and I miss her terribly so I know how you feel.  Your mom knows you think of her everyday and loves you more than words can say.  Talk to her and tell her.  She hears you!    God Bless you

Offline lostmom

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #13 on: June 11, 2014, 10:31:22 AM »


Lostmom... I am writing this as a daughter that held her mother responsible for staying with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father.   I blamed my mother for being weak, for not protecting me, for allowing me to grow up in constant turmoil and fear.   It pains me so so so very deeply, that I was not always the best daughter to my mother after I had grown and married.  In fact, I was darn right nasty to her many times and I am sure caused her horrible pain and sadness.  I was her ownly daughter... and I was a beast.  All I could think about was myself and what I was feeling.   I had little regard for her or what she went though.

As I got older and mom had passed, I started to re-examine the past and peel the onion back on a very complex situation. I began to see HER side.. and HER upbringing, and HER situation.  I started to have compassion for her and what she had gone through and her reasons for being as she was.  All too late I may add.   Lostmom.. I actually feel sorry for your daughter.  Right now all she feels is her own pain.   But trust me... in the future, as maturity and hindsight take hold, she will feel horrible guilt and sadness for her behavior.   I can tell you.... there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my mom and wish I had behaved differently... especially at the end when she was so ill.   If there is one thing in my life that still can bring me to my knees in tears.... it's that.    I know there is little comfort for YOU in this post, but it is my hope for you that your own daughter comes to her senses while she still has you as her mom... because it's gutwretching to not be able to make things better or ask forgiveness.     

MY RESPONSE TO YOU.  I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU KNEW THIS WAS IN RESPONSE TO YOU AS IT DID NOT SEEM LIKE MY FIRST REPLY WAS DIRECTLY TO YOU!!!


OMG, I am in tears from your post.  God Bless you and know that you mom is and always will be watching over you.  Even if you say you were a beast to you her, take it from me,  she still loved you with all her heart.  I can understand how you would have blamed your mom as I understand why children blame me.  I was weak - just as your mom.  Thankfully, hopefully, you have never been in a abusive relationship.  Some people think "just walk away from the abuser".  It's not that easy.  I know- I tried. Thank you for honest post.  I do know my children blame me for staying and hope with all my heart that one day while I am still alive, they can peel back the layers as you said.  My oldest is 35 and has only gotten worse with me.  I sadly think I will leave this world with no relationship with her.  It saddens me beyond words!  I miss her and my 3 beautiful grandchildren.  But as she said, she can't wait for me to drop dead so she can spit on my grave and hang a banner airing my dirty laundry!!!   I lost my mom in 2009 and I miss her terribly so I know how you feel.  Your mom knows you think of her everyday and loves you more than words can say.  Talk to her and tell her.  She hears you!    God Bless you

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Simply lost as to why my adult children hate/dislike me
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2014, 10:41:14 AM »
Yes Lostmom... I knew your reply was to me.  And thank YOU for your words.  This is a place where we grow and help one another.   It pains me when I read stories like yours because I can feel the hurt in your words.. and know in my heart that I was guilty of causing such hurt to my own mother.   I wanted you to know that in the end your daughter will live to regret what she has done and said to you.   I talk to my mother every day now... I have asked for her forgiveness...  you are right.. I know she hears me and is at peace.