Author Topic: One step forward, three back!  (Read 1466 times)

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Offline lokin4answer

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One step forward, three back!
« on: June 08, 2014, 04:55:43 PM »
 :(Hello again:  I find that I am the most lonely on Sunday evenings.  This is when all the chattering monkeys start coming out to bother me.  I have told you about my situation.  In process of this on going divorce, my XH has used my AC as his crutch, venting, looking for sympathy, and even living with my 2DD for 4 months because he couldn't stand to be in the house alone.  Threatening to go out back and throw a rope over a tree branch and ending it, so no one had to be bothered with him.  He has laid a terrible burden and responsibility on both my DD's, but mostly, my 2DD.  Consequently, she has had little contact with me for the last year, and my DS who is partners with his father on the dairy,  the same

   A few weeks ago, I asked my 2DD if I could have my DGS to celebrate his sixth birthday, and she let me.  I had a glorious six hours with him and when I returned him to his home, I spent another 3 hours with my 2DD and my other GS.  I gave the boys baths, got their pj's on, and my DD made me a cup of tea.  I felt so happy driving home.  She even texted me later to tell me my GS conquered the puzzle I gave him.  Then, again, I stopped hearing from her, and after several text's, I asked my DSIL if he could tell me what happened.  This  DSIL is married to my oldest DD and is the one who has stuck by me through all of this.  He said he knew my XH discussed my divorce proposal with all three of my AC and he was mad, and his reaction spilled over onto them.  He then took my 2DD to his attorney to counter offer.

When I found out he had involved my 2DD in our divorce proceedings, I was not only angry, but hurt that he would stoop so low, since she is 8.5 months pregnant.  So now what?  I send her a text about every 5 days asking her how she is feeling and to let me know if there is anything I can do for her now, or after the baby is born.  Of course, no response.  I  have not involved my AC in this divorce, and tried to be kind and loving to all three of my AC, through small notes, texts, or an occasional phone call where I end up leaving a voice message, and all with no response from them.

I know I am suppose to just go on living my life without my AC, but not being involved with my DGS's (4, all under the age of 6 and baby on the way) is gut wrenching.   My DGS's have great parents, so I don't have to worry about their well being, so that is one consolation.  But I am constantly looking for ways to break through.  I guess I just need to be patient, wait for this divorce to be over, and hope my AC's father, accepts all of this and moves forward and finds happiness and peace.  Once that happens, maybe things will settle down, and they will start missing me, even a little. 

Any words or thoughts from all of you out their would be very appreciative.  There is so much more going on in my life that is stressful and extremely hard to handle.  I am living in my mothers house.  My mother, who has progressive Alzheimer's, is living next door with my oldest sister.  That is another long story, but bottom line, my youngest sister, who is in her 50's, has a six figure income, and is an alcoholic/drug user, spews her venom at me about every couple months, accusing me of free loading, and on and on.  She is impossible to talk to so I basically, either walk away from her, or hang up the phone on her.  I am going to an attorney this week to find out my legal rights, and to see if it possible I could buy my mothers house. 

So between being an outcast from my immediate family and dealing with my evil sister, life hasn't been a bowl of cherries this past year. 

Thanks for listening.  Anyone been in a similar situation?
S. W.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2014, 05:27:54 PM »
I haven't had anything similar but I wanted to send you hugs. It is way, way too much!

Those of us who have been cut off from our AC and GC have found it excruciatingly hard to accept, just like you do. We didn't get to vote. Others made those choices that so drastically impacted our lives...and we can't change them. My take, bottom line, all that all that is left is what we choose to do for ourselves.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lucy P

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2014, 06:52:57 PM »
Hi lokin4answer ---  a big hug for you.  I haven't experienced anything with my ex(s) that is similar to your situation.  I read your previous posts, and I get the impression that there's a lot of anger being directed at you from the AC and the XH.  My take is it's because after 30-some years, you're now standing up and taking care of yourself and living YOUR life the way you want to live it.  Good for you! They're laying the pressure on thick, and using all the tricks in the book, trying to make you feel GUILTY for stirring up the pot.  Remember, your AC have learned a lot about you over the years - from observing how your X has treated you and how you reacted.  Finally realizing this was primarily the reason why my 2 AD treat me the way they do was a huge light-bulb moment for me. I know this is a difficult situation, but be proud of yourself for all that you've accomplished, been through so far, and please don't give up or change your mind because of them pressuring you.  You're absolutely right.  Life is way too short, so live it and enjoy it the way you want to - not how someone else says you should.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2014, 09:13:07 PM »
Welcome, L.P. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the four posts there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. Also, we ask that you create a User Name that won't easily identify you, if someone you know visits our site. It is best not to use a given name and initial.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lucy P

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2014, 08:06:48 AM »
Hi Luise, and thanks.  I have been lurking and reading posts in this forum for several weeks, and when I registered my membership I "followed the rules" and read the home page and Read Me First.  My user name, Lucy P., is miles away from my real name - I have a long story to tell, and one day when I have nothing else to do I will post my story.  For the time being, I'm content to read the posts/responses from other members in the Adult Sons/Daughters forum.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2014, 02:00:03 PM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2014, 02:02:58 PM »
Thanks, LP. I need to modify my greeting post to include "if you haven't already ready read them.' Good point. Also glad to know the User Name works. Looking forward to reading your story.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2014, 10:03:34 PM »
Welcome, Lokin and Lucy. I hope you find much support and comfort as you progress on your healing journeys here. I'm glad you both found the site.

It took me awhile to learn acceptance and find some measure of peace with my situation, but I'm glad I stayed here and worked through it. As others have said, this is our only life (as far as we know) and to spend it in misery over things we can't control is a shame and a waste, IMO. I have spent the past few years rediscovering things I used to enjoy, reconnecting with friends, and learning new things. I miss my DS and the relationship we used to have, but he's happy and doing well. My job is done. I'm grateful to see him when I can.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2014, 07:53:21 PM »
Hi, it has been an awful long time since I posted.  Like maybe 3 years?  I am here today to chime in.  I still get twanged now and then with old issues with my oldest son and his wife.  I grew a lot from sharing how I felt here with others and I felt my feelings were understood and accepted.  I was hurt and disappointed many times because my expectations were not being met.  I wanted to be treated with honor and respect as grandma and MIL, in a way that I wanted.  I had a list of expectations for when I visited that were not happening.  I had to let them all go and work through my feelings of anger and resentment.  I found out that my feelings were the *norm* here and I was not alone.  I got a lot of helpful tips on how to arrange visits in order to have a relationship with my grandchildren without slipping into my old  unmet expectations.  I really appreciate the wisdom of Luise and Pen as well as so many others here.  I think my son and his wife are learning just like me, as we go.  I cannot respect being manipulated and so there are definite consequences when I visit.  I usually stay in a motel and can come and go.  That has worked wonders for me.  For the last two visits, we have stayed with my son - and things are still getting worked out.  I understand more now that it is less about me and more about them for why I feel uncomfortable staying with them.  They do seem to handle the stress of our visits with DIL spending more time away from us.  Whatever it takes, in order for our grandchildren to know their grandparents seems to be the family value that we all share.  Anyways, as I get older and wiser, I am focusing more on my life, my health, my relationships and value being alive and healthy enough to enjoy it.  I wish you the best in your journey.  Everybody's path is a little different but so similar in needing some guidance and acceptance.  I hope this helped you in some small way as I am happy to give back to our community here.  Sending positive thoughts that you find some comfort and humor here to lighten your load.   

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Offline luise.volta

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2014, 08:38:09 PM »
Oh, Smiles...you made me cry. Welcome home. :-)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2014, 09:54:39 PM »
Great post, Smiles! Good to see you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2014, 11:10:07 AM »
HA!  You two are the greatest!  Desserts are supposed to be enjoyed, let's not get them backwards as being stressed!  Love that!  You know everybody's case is somewhat different.  I just relate so much to feeling kicked and angry about it.  There is nothing you can do sometimes to *correct* a wrong doing.  The best message is what you hear here - get on with it!  Don't waste another moment of your precious time worrying how to *fix* it.  Can't fix it, cuz you are not broke!  Love means more than that - hold your head up high, take a dee breath in, and take a walk in the fresh air.  Find your wild side, and bust loose!  Anyways, love to all of you, and keep smiling  :D

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Offline freespirit

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Re: One step forward, three back!
« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2014, 12:38:43 PM »
Quote
Can't fix it, cuz you are not broke!  Love means more than that - hold your head up high, take a dee breath in, and take a walk in the fresh air.  Find your wild side, and bust loose!  Anyways, love to all of you, and keep smiling  :D

Soo true. Thank you...we all need to be shaken awake every once in a while.  I needed it today...and  it has helped.

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne