Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids

[hermpal]

I have two sons..no daughters.  We had a wonderful time as a family while they were growing up!  Now both are married and we have six lovely grandchildren.  Was very close to the first two and babysit them a lot.  Once they became old enough to not really need babysitting, they were no longer allowed to come over.  I repeatedly ask my son why and was never given reason. Relationship with son and DIL changed.  Now we have NO contact with them.  Her mother went as far as to ask "would you and your husband consider not being their grandparents anymore".  Really!  How rude!  My heart has broken so many times because of this.  We have not seen our grandchildren in a year.  I pray for them daily.  I was very close to my first grandson as I had him a lot to babysit.  They took him away and I feel its just a form of control and evil on my DIL part and my son has joined her in the dislike of us.  Hard situation to deal with. 

[luise.volta]

Welcome, H. Since this is your first post, I have given you your own thread. Please go to our HomePage and under Read Me First read the four posts placed there for new members. We ask that you pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it is a fit. For instance, we don't make reference here to our religious beliefs or lack thereof. We are a monitored Website.

My experience has been that it was very hard for me to get that my sons were adults (or at least learning to be) and as such, got to make up their own rules with their spouses just like we did. I had a DIL who immediately, even before the wedding, cut my youngest son out of the herd. He let her out of both loyalty and ineptitude. Even phone calls ceased. They didn't make it...but for those years it was like he had died. The pain was excruciating, yet his choices were his. I have never gone through anything that painful before or since.

[Pooh]

Just wanted to say welcome hermpal and to say you will find great understanding here.

[jdtm]

The situation you described nearly happened to us.  I say "nearly" because if it were up to our now ex-DIL, she would have "erased" us from their lives.  Luckily for us, our son would not allow that.  A few years ago she left our son and abandoned her children.  Today, she is trying to "erase" her parents and siblings from her life.  I really don't understand it.

I guess my point is that your situation/remedy may lie with your son.  I suspect there is no logical or concrete reason why you have been ousted as your son appears unable to answer your question.  Hopefully, you are still in touch with him.  I am so sorry ....

[Pen]

I'm glad you found us, Hermpal. As you can see, you're not alone.

I have no doubt that my DIL & her FOO wouldn't give a second thought if for some reason we were not around. It hurts terribly to know this, but at least in my situation our DS hasn't completely cut us out. I'm not expecting to be a big part of any future GCs lives. DIL has made that clear already although DS says he won't let that happen (we'll see.)

Many women here on the site have found that if we nurture ourselves by focusing on people and activities that support us and bring us joy, it is easier and healthier than stewing on things we have no control over. I hope you can find comfort here as you make progress toward healing. (((hugs)))

[freespirit]

My first reaction to your post was - how cruel!
I can imagine you  are tearing your hair out about this wanting to know why. I  even want to know why!   .....I find it odd that your son is even gaining up on you too. Is there something you don't know? Did the grandchildren say something to set this off? I know many ladies here have said they have similiar experiences,..but I can't help but think there must be some reason behind it. I would dig till I  find out...and then deal with it. Not knowing why is simply the pits.

[Lillycache]

Welcome Hermpal..  sorry you are going through this.. and I'm glad you found us so you know that you are hardly alone in this.   I too only have 2 sons..  no daughters.   Only my YS is married and has kids.   The oldest is now 11.   My story is pretty much like yours.   When the oldest GK was born, things seemed to be fine as far as I was concerned.   I got to see him regularly and dh and I were allowed to take him out on outings and keep him overnight occasionally.  We grew very close to the boy.  Then the 2nd child arrived.. a girl.  Things began to change.  No outings.. no overnights.  not even for the oldest.   Finally 4 years ago the 3rd child was born and I was pretty much left out of the picture on everything.  My DIL began to act really odd and distant.   I had no idea what was happening.   There was a final break when I finally decided to open a FB page and friend requested her..  She refused.  I couldn't understand why and asked her... oh. lordy, the gates of hell opened up and venom and viotrole like I had never heard were hurled at me.   Apparently she had hated me and every move I made and every breath I took for the entire time of her marriage to my son.   I had absolutlely NO idea.  But the things she said were beyond the pale, and we have not had contact with one another since then.  Mostly because I refuse.   

Our stories differ in that she was able to only keep my son and GKs away from me for a year.  For the last 3 years, my son has made sure to bring the kids over to see me and we make a day of it.  It's kind of nice.  No tension, no wondering what someone is angry about..  I would like to see them more, but I'll take what I can get.   Hang in there.   My DIL tried like the devil to come between my son and I but couldn't in the end.  Boys love their moms too..   give it time.. the guilt and unfairness will get to him.

[jdtm]

but I can't help but think there must be some reason behind it.

freespirit - I too felt this way until ...  I believe that our now ex-DIL suffers from mental health issues.  Unfortunately, they are far more common than we believe; and far more easily covered up than we believe; and far more devastating than we believe.  I'm not talking "major" mental issues - it is the "lessor" issues (if I may use this term) which tear families, friends and lives apart.  Often the "reason" is perceived or nonexistent.  And, trying to "discuss and right" this miscommunication only works when the two parties involved are able to reason.  What many of us are dealing with are those (whether DILs or SILs or etc.) who are unable to reason.  This is where the path leads "over the cliff and there is no return.  Like Lillycache I've been there .....

[freespirit]

Jdtm,...yes...actually I should have known better than to 'wonder' like that.  Especially because my own DIL has  issues as well. And the only reason we get along is because I do everything  she says...not only me...the  entire family.... just for harmony sake. 

So, I  am truly sorry that I questioned  why there  must be a reason. Despite the fact that we raised our other granddaughter for three years,  she doesn't trust us with her sons for a minute. And...there is absolutely no reason for that mistrust. The only reason why I can deal  with it is because she treats everyone like that...it's not a personal thing - it's her personality.

[Lillycache]

I think there is ALWAYS a reason.   It may not be a valid reason, It may just be trumped up in someones mind... but there is always a reason.   When a person doesn't want to like you, or accept you.. they can take ANY action or statement and turn it into something it isn't or wasn't meant to be.  In my DILs case.. with the help of her mother, sisters and aunties, a huge group think took over and I was scrutinized with the express desire to find something wrong.  AND they succeeded.  None of it was true, and none of it made any sense, but apparently they were all convinced.   How can you win against that?  You certainly can't defend yourself against it, when so many are convinced. 

As for DS..   Ever hear of Stockholms Syndrome?   I sincerely believe many men suffer from this.  When they are bombarded over and over and over with the sort of "Evidence" obtained by folks looking for this stuff.. and told over and over all their shortcomings are their mothers fault.. and if it wasn't for her, life would be rosey with no arguments or stress... if only they would admit it was mom who caused it..    I also think that some men have learned to use MOM and their upbringing as an excuse for bad behavior... because it works so well, when their wife is eager to believe such things.   I know my son did that for a while.   " I'm like this because when I was growing up my mother ________________ (fill in the blank)   So there are lots of reasons men go along with this malarky.. 

[Pen]

I have been concerned that this could be a possibility one day with my DS. Every now and then it seems as if he "wakes up" and realizes what might be happening. We've witnessed him snapping at DIL when she gets too overbearing. That doesn't make me happy, but I do think he is trying to express his independence which is a good thing.

[OptingOut]

It's sad day when grandchildren are forbidden to see their grandparents, especially for no apparent reason.

My grandmama and my mother never really got along. However, my mother never ever tried to keep us from our only grandparent.

So sorry that this is happening to you. As a DIL, I try to encourage family harmony even though my MIL can be a piece of work.