Author Topic: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us  (Read 1183 times)

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Offline Brooka

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my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« on: June 02, 2014, 01:27:04 AM »
This is difficult to explain since it is a complicated relationship.  Briefly, my older son married and did not know his new wife too long.  He has a child by another woman whom he almost married but does not have custody, just visitation.  My new DIL is very secretive, does not answer the phone and only uses text messages to talk to me.  We live around the corner from them and see them twice a week depending on the circumstances since my other son lives in the apartment above.  My DIL's family never calls although I have called her parents.  When it comes to holidays, we are never invited such as Thanksgiving and Christmas and her sister also never invites us to even a birthday party for her son.   This is hurtful since I have tried to get together with them and although they say yes, it does not happen.  They always have an excuse such as "our house is too small and we cannot fit in two more people".  They also leave my other son out of everything, as well.  And strangely enough, her mom contacts me on facebook.  How do I improve this situation.  My DIL only speaks to her mother once a month.  I see a pattern here.  What should I do?

Offline Lillycache

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2014, 08:48:40 AM »
Welcome Brooka.. I'm sure you will get plenty of insight here.

First off.. All families are different.  They each have a culture specific to it's members and accepted by the members. Not all families want or need the same amount of contact.  Some families want to spend a large amount of time together... and some are happy with just seeing one another on major occasions.. and some don't want to see one another but a few times a year... or decade.  What seems normal and comfortable to one family seems odd and unusual to another.  It's all in what you are used to.

THEN there are families that are so close and conjoined that they do not easily open up to newcomers.  Especially people they do not see as being related.  They may accept the spouse of a son or daughter, but wouldn't even dream of considering his or her parents as part of their family.  Such was the case with my DILs family.  They are a tight knit group, and my DH and I were just acquintances..  NOT people to be included in the inner fold, but only seen at mutual events, like Christenings or funerals.   MY DILs FOO looked on any outsider with suspicion and as having "ulterior motives" or and "agenda".. and certainlyt not to be trusted.   I grew to realize that this was just how this family is and it really wasn't about me.   You may just be better off NOT being included in that group.   I know I sure wish I never was... they stirred up lots of falsehoods and problems for my son and I. 

My advise would be to accept it and take their lead and leave them alone.  It's how they apparently want it and it's obviously their culture.. Why push?   If you are in a sitation that includes them, be personable but restrained. Enjoy your own family and friends, and chalk it up to it being how they are.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2014, 11:54:56 AM »
Welcome, Brooka. It looks to me like you have  opened another thread on this subject, so I will remove that to keep from creating any duplication.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2014, 01:32:26 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2014, 12:07:33 PM »
I agree with Lilly.  Some people don't want that constant contact and inclusion in everything.  With you saying her Mother doesn't see them but about once a month and you get to see them a couple of times a week, maybe they just feel like that's enough?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2014, 01:30:03 PM »
OK...I'm back! We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My take is that none of us here can tell you what to do. All we can do is share our experience. Mine had been that I've had to learn the hard way to stay out of my sons financial issues and let them learn what they have to learn about money, partnerships and blaming as part of their moving into adulthood. Not easy, at least for me. Sending hugs...
« Last Edit: June 02, 2014, 01:35:09 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2014, 06:15:03 PM »
Welcome, Brooka. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. All we can do is manage our reactions to these things, since we can't control what others do or don't do. It might help to be proactive and make other plans, find other places to be, and cultivate other interests and activities for days that will be triggers for sadness (holidays, special occasions, etc.)

My DIL & her FOO actually shunned us. I'd been hoping that we could spend occasional celebrations together as a happy family, but it's not to be. Separate and definitely not equal! I've adjusted somewhat thanks to this site and the supportive people here. I'm not going to pretend I'm completely over my pain and confusion, but it gets better everyday. In fact, it's a lot better now!! I hope it can get better for you, too.  (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Brooka

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2014, 11:56:00 PM »
thank all of you for your replies.

I have decided to not worry about it anymore.  We cannot control what other people do but we can control what we do. 

Bless u all for your comments.

Brooka

Offline luise.volta

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2014, 08:27:36 AM »
OK, we can close this thread if you'd like. Let me know.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Brooka

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2014, 09:27:45 AM »
we can close this thread and will open another which is equally important to me.

brooka

Offline luise.volta

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Re: my daughter-in-law and her family ignore us
« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2014, 09:34:32 AM »
OK, done. See you soon...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama