Author Topic: bad to worse  (Read 1116 times)

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raindrops_on_my_soul

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bad to worse
« on: May 20, 2014, 08:48:23 AM »
Hi everyone,

 I wish I had something positive to post regarding my oldest son, I really do. I had started hearing from him again some recently and as always, hoped it was for the right reasons. Then bam!.... he asked me to loan him some money. I did it, as I have done it in the past. But as I have said times like these are the only times I hear from him. I really feel that when someone is asking me to loan them money I have the right to make suggestions for the future, especially when it is becoming a habit. I don't mind helping from time to time, but it seems to me it has become something that is expected of me, rather than something I can do if I choose to to help out. And really when I do there is no gratitude, especially from his wife. Since she also benefits from any help I have given I really feel she owes me that. At the very least if there is no gratitude there could at least not be hostility. I am tired of giving and giving and getting absolutely nothing in return. This sense of entitlement really disturbs me. I had this conversation with my son yesterday about this very thing, and I told him how I felt. His wife only works a job that pays commission and I feel she should be doing something that brings in regular income. He says he can't tell her not to do it because she likes it. However between the two of them they have 5 children to support and it really isn't cutting it if they're having to ask me for money. His wife is lazy and spends money on things she shouldn't. Any suggestions I give are only met with resentment but truthfully as I said it is my money I am having to loan....or possibly even give because I have no guarantee I will ever get the money back. Also there has become a problem with me giving birthday gifts for the kids because apparently they keep a score card of who got what and everything has gotten to be about what I can do and give while I get zero.  Things got heated because he did not like what I had to say and he told me he would never ask me for help again. He is so angry but I cannot continue down this road anymore. Knowing this however does not make me feel any better, and I wish there was something I could do. It seems so hopeless right now.

Offline FAFE

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Re: bad to worse
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2014, 09:30:59 AM »
Sounds like it is time to close the Bank of Mom!  Some of us had to learn the hard way, but you can do it!  If, between the two of them they cannot become financially independent then THEY have to make changes - not you!  They will probably not like the "closed" sign, but may hold them accountable to themselves.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: bad to worse
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2014, 11:19:43 AM »
AT age 87, I look back on this issue. My experience has been that when someone asks me for money it works best if I don't connect it with giving me the right to make suggestions. I doubt that can be purchased...it probably has to be asked for separately from asking for money. (And I think one of my life's greatest lessons has been to learn to keep my mouth shut, if not asked. LOL!)

The first thing I learned to do with my two adult (?) sons was to clarify what a loan was and what a gift of money was. They were, to me, two very different things. A loan between me and my sons, although always interest free, had a plan for repayment. We never wrote it down as a legal contract but it had to do with their emerging maturity and accountability. If something serious messed up the repayment plan we negotiated a new one but/and I made it clear that any loan not paid back in full would be the last one and no new loan was an option until the prior one was fully paid back to our mutual satisfaction. This must have worked, as it was done that way by them when my grandsons became adults.

A monetay gift was another thing entirely. It was, whether large or small, given with a pure heart with no expectations. I've never had much but I loved being able to do that, on occasion. The distinction was always very clear and I have never 'loaned' money when I knew it couldn't be repaid. The dynamics that causes were something I wouldn't have been able to have handle.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline freespirit

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Re: bad to worse
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2014, 10:20:38 PM »
Quote
A loan between me and my sons, although always interest free, had a plan for repayment. We never wrote it down as a legal contract but it had to do with their emerging maturity and accountability. If something serious messed up the repayment plan we negotiated a new one but/and I made it clear that any loan not paid back in full would be the last one and no new loan was an option until the prior one was fully paid back to our mutual satisfaction. This must have worked, as it was done that way by them when my grandsons became adults.

Luise, this is excellent advice. I wish I had  done it that way. Our son asked us many times for a loan, but with time his mind was convinced those loans ( ...and I'm talking  about big money..like downpayment for his house etc.) were gifts . When we confronted him, he was insulted and claimed that we have twisted everything around. We have never  gotten a penny back to this day. We have let it go,..but deep inside I  hold it against him, and I hate that I can't let it go, ... especially now, since we are living off our pension plan, and miss that money.  Knowing that  he is now a successful business man, doesn't ease our grudge either. He  is generous with his gifts, though,..so I guess  that is his way of making it good. ... at least  a tiny part of it. I wish I  had Luise's advice back then.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne