Author Topic: Mother's Day 2014  (Read 4890 times)

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Offline Pen

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Mother's Day 2014
« on: May 09, 2014, 07:42:20 AM »
Another Mother's Day is here and my, how things have improved since I first found this wonderful site!

Are my AC more attentive, more loving, more giving than before? Heck no! However, I've changed my expectations and my attitude. Does it still hurt to have AC who don't dote over me? Heck yeah! But because I've changed my attitude by using what I've learned here, it doesn't bring me to my knees anymore. Do I still resent DS spending precious time & resources on his MIL (DIL & her FOO have become the main event) while I am lucky to get a quick call (or at most a quick visit) once every few of months or so? And never on Mother's Day? Oh, yes...I'm not going to lie, it still causes a bit of hurt and resentment.

BUT, the good news for those of you who are new here and still raw and reeling from their AC's uncaring actions, is that it gets better. It takes time and it takes some hard work, but one day you'll wake up w/o that achy, despairing feeling and you'll know you've turned the corner.

Because of the support and wisdom I gained here, I decided to take better care of myself. So taking Pooh's lead, I started watching what I ate and exercising. As I lost weight & gained fitness, that lead to more confidence and the ability to join DH in some sports activities that I'd been too insecure to participate in. We then found our relationship rekindled (after years of putting it aside unconsciously due to child rearing, work stress, etc.) which lead to planning our own activities instead of basing all our celebrations and vacations around what the AC might deign to share with us. I am secure in the knowledge that I have always been, and continue to be, a caring, loving, good mom. I made mistakes, said awkward things at times, but never wavered in my love of and commitment to my kids and their needs.

No, it's not what I'd envisioned when we decided to have kids. It's not easy to have co-workers and friends ask how my Mother's Day (or any holiday for that matter) was and then have to listen to all their stories of a wonderful day spent in the loving company of adoring AC & their spouses. However, it's waaaayy better than it was when I arrived on Luise's virtual doorstep years ago, full of sadness, confusion, rage, pain and a deep sense of loss.

As they say in recovery circles, "it works if you work it." This year I've requested a day at the beach & a lovely picnic instead of waiting to see what someone else will plan. AC will be invited to join, but DH & I will have a blast whether they are there or not. Here's to finding our way to a special Mother's Day, however we choose to spend it!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2014, 09:27:24 AM »
Pen - What a lovely, inspiring post. Thank you! Watching you work through this has been awesome! Also, thank you for your faithful, volunteer work as one of our Moderators!

To All: I launched WWU on Mother's Day of 2009, so we've been going strong for a half a decade! My motivation came from my counseling Website, launched on Mother's Day of 2005. What I learned there was that the question most asked, worldwide, was how to cope with adult children and extended families. I felt it deserved a forum venue. Hugs...
« Last Edit: May 09, 2014, 12:35:08 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2014, 09:31:02 AM »
What a great post Pen!  I too came here angry and bitter.  I echo everything you said and I am a much better person because of everyone here sharing their stories, heartaches and triumphs.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Didi.lost

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2014, 12:19:39 PM »
I too...... love your post Pen.  I have also come a very long way from the way i was feeling when I first came here 2 and half years ago already have gone by.

I don't think I could have kept my sanity without all of you giving me courage and strength to move on.  Mothers Day
was always especially hard but I am getting better and learning to cope.

Thank you all and enjoy your day.

Offline mom58

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2014, 05:06:52 AM »
It was suggested that I read what you wrote.  I don't know what mother's day will hold (tomorrow).  Thank God I have my daughter visiting from out of town.  Hope to see ds and family.  Not holding my breath.  Well, yes I am. I think he will show, we've always had a very strong bond,hopefully, that will continue.  Really miss the grandbaby:(

I found this sight because I was looking for answers/help/support.  Hope I find something here for me.  Any comments on my post, "not sure what happened", are welcome.

Thanks everyone, and I hope you all have the best mother's day possible.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2014, 07:27:10 AM »
Penn, I love your post too!! 

I can still remember the day I stumbled on this site.  I was wretched and despairing that there would ever be any improvement.  I was trying everything in an effort to stay a part of my DS's life and the harder I tried the more he pulled away.  Meanwhile my DIL looked for things to take in the worst possible light and I would hear from sources that I called her names I never called her and so on.....

Then there was the day I read something here and I wish I could remember exactly who said it and exactly what they said, but suddenly things changed.  I finally realized that although the cause for my pain was legitimate, it was (and is) up to me to control how much pain I was in.  I could either stay in the mire of self pity I was stuck in or I could climb out of the pit. I never have been a martyr and I am not about to start now. I started looking at the things in my life that were (and are) good!!  When things got me down I reminded myself that I have another son who is wonderful and I am fortunate enough to have an incredible husband and both of them deserve to have a happy mother/spouse.  I started focusing on things that made me happy and putting the situation with my DS/DIL out of my mind. 

Since then my life has really improved!  This morning my younger son asked me what I wanted from him for tomorrow.  My DH and I have made plans and if my older son contacts me today or tomorrow I will invite him to come along but he won't because my DIL is scared of canoes and the water.  It will be a marvelous day on an uninhabited barrier island........   I can't wait! 

Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline freespirit

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2014, 07:29:03 AM »
Excellent post. Inspiring and motivating Thank you! :-*
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2014, 10:03:37 AM »
My specific circumstances were not the same, Pen, but my experience was. I think that's the glue that holds us together here...we learn that our circumstances are very personal but/and that our paths through them are very similar. It's a kind of sisterhood-survival thing, maybe. Love to all!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Cranky Pants

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2014, 10:35:02 AM »
Wonderful post, Pen, I'm so happy to be part of the sisterhood here.

CP

Offline Mokatay

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2014, 12:01:40 PM »
Great words, Pen! It has been a long time since I visited here, but Mother's Day reminded me of this wonderful site, the encouragement and understanding of the members here gave me the strength to stay on course and find my way after being estranged from those I love. We do heal! Thank you all, again, for being here.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #10 on: May 10, 2014, 12:14:22 PM »
Wonderful to hear from you, M! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline dedicatedmom

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2014, 08:33:53 PM »
Pen, thank you so much you are speaking my words and feelings. This site has helped me so much. I just returned from some time in Chicago with my mother in her last days and my sisters and brothers and I buried her at 86 on April 10. My DS came to Chicago to be with me and to act as a pallbearer and was my support. My 3 DD's still continue to be cold and aloof toward me after 5 years being divorced from their Dad. He is ruining his health due to the habits that ruined our marriage and they feel sorry for him. I never imagined I'd wake up again without the terrible ache of those girls' rejection. I take my life one day at a time. I learned that here. I am finding the thought that my mom is no longer in this world very difficult but I know time will heal and I find myself wondering if mine will even care when I die. But I pull myself back from dark thoughts easier since I found help with all of you. Tomorrow is my 63rd birthday as well as Mother's Day and I'm spending the day with my DS. Happy Mother's Day to all of you. Love and prayers to you all.

Offline Pen

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #12 on: May 10, 2014, 11:15:10 PM »
DM, my condolences. I'm glad your DS could be with you during that tough time.

Happy birthday & Happy Mother's Day to you :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline FAFE

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2014, 05:38:29 AM »
Happy Mother's Day to all of us!

Offline HappyMom

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Re: Mother's Day 2014
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2014, 07:42:39 PM »
Happy Mother's Day, everyone!  I have named myself Happy Mom because I am still the same happy person I was before, just with this additional sad space.  I'm still happy with my husband and other daughter and with my life and my blessings in it.  If I didn't have the other daughter or even the husband, I would still have enough blessings that I would hope I would still be happy and fulfilled.

When I told my husband I was registering on this site, and my chosen name, he suggested I name myself "All That Work for Nothin' Mom" instead.  Haha!  You see why he is one of my blessings.

I'll tell my story in another post, but I wanted to report my first Mother's Day without my older daughter.  Younger daughter and husband and I ate out, then came home for gifts they gave me - owl wind chimes and a candle/oil drops essence dealie, plus flowers and candy.  And lovely, meaningful cards.  They are totally wonderful, aren't they.

My guiding principle, though, is even if I didn't have them, even if I were all alone in the world, I would still have myself, and being alive as myself is a pretty happy thing right there, isn't it? 

So it was a wonderful Mother's Day - just with that sad space.  My younger daughter had a hard time with this (as she has throughout).  She was disappointed and rather disgusted, I think, that older daughter ignored it, and she (younger daughter) told me she was sorry.  I told her I appreciated that.  So the three of us all have that sad space, but we still have ourselves, and our love for one another.

Every mother can celebrate Mother's Day, in my view, regardless of estrangement or even, heaven forbid, the son or daughter has died.  Because we were and are mothers, and good ones (or good enough ones, as one expert put it), which no one can take away.  It is our accomplishment, and we get to celebrate that, even if we are celebrating it alone.  We all wear that badge of honor.  It doesn't take others, and certainly not specific others, to agree in order for that to be a true fact.