Author Topic: tired of being used  (Read 1882 times)

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raindrops_on_my_soul

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tired of being used
« on: May 02, 2014, 07:42:37 PM »
Hi everyone, 

  I need your thoughts ladies. As I have said in the past, the only time I hear from my oldest son is when he has something to get off his chest. Last time I heard from his was near a month ago. He called me to talk about some problems he was having. I have told him in the past he doesn't have to wait until something is wrong to make contact. It would be nice to hear from him when things are ok and just to have a normal conversation. However this never happens and it is getting really old. I don't get anything I have asked for, including pictures of my grandkids. It's as if I am his last resort of someone to talk to when there is no one else. When we do speak he never inquires of anyones well being at all, he thinks it's all about him. I am nothing more than a set of ears for him when he needs me to be. I want to say, I am a person after all, complete with feelings and thoughts of my own. I don't bother to say that though or ask him for anything anymore because I have tried that in the past and his response was gee mom, I can't believe you're saying these things to me and basically told me he had problems of his own and didn't need me adding to them. All I could do as shake my head in utter disgust. Sometimes I can't help but ask myself why I should be there for him when he is never there for me. I have given just about all I can.

Offline jdtm

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2014, 06:16:05 AM »
Quote
I am nothing more than a set of ears for him when he needs me to be.

I suggest "be the ears" and nothing else.  Of course that means you would not help him solve his issues; after all, he is a adult and I assume capable of dealing with his own problems.  As for the relationship be reciprocating - well, I so wish for this with our grown sons, but I know it is not.  So, I keep my problems to myself (unless asked - which is never), but I don't solve their problems either.  I usually don't even comment - trusting them to make the right decisions (and finding their own finances) and smiling or not (depending on the situation).  Honestly, they aren't even aware that I am passively involved (or not) in their decisions.  Often "an ear" is all that is wanted.

Offline freespirit

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2014, 08:47:39 AM »
My sons never ever asked me about my life. So I simply volunteered the information. And if they don't call me,…I call them.

I believe, and it took a long time for me to accept this;…sons tick differently. If they don't have a wife who is behind them and keeps up the contact, well, they simply don't even think about it. I know there are exceptions,…but they are really exceptions.

So I suggest, try not to take it personally. At least your son calls; - even if he just needs you to listen. That is a lot more than what many of us get. It shows he still needs you and values your advice. Actually that is quite a compliment. And in between;  just  give him a call, but not a reproachful one. :)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Cranky Pants

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2014, 06:08:02 AM »
Men are different.  I know this because they have told me.

Some time ago my son travelled to a distant land, and emailed within 48 hours that it wasn't working out and he was homesick and had nearly been hit by a car, stepping off the "wrong" side of the sidewalk.  Two weeks go by.  Mama Bear here, is nearly worried into an ulcer.  I talk to some male friends and here's the conversation. 

Me: I haven't heard from him in two weeks, he could be lying in a hospital somewhere.
Them:  If you haven't heard from him, everything is fine.

Me: What? How do you know?
Them: If there was a problem he would have found a way to reach you and he's not lying in a hospital.

Me: What? How do you know?
Them: The hospital would have called you by now.

He's a guy, he won't call if everything is fine, but he will call if everything isn't. 

Years later, my son doesn't pick up the phone or come to visit although he doesn't live far away.  I seek out those same male friends and grumble.

Them:  He's a guy, that's the way it works
Me: What?

Them: He knows you are only 20 minutes away and he can always pick up the phone and you'll answer.
Me: What? what about me? 

Them: We don't make the rules but that's how guys roll.

Well, the guys may make the rules for them, but I can make the rules for Mama Bear.

My suggestion, if your son calls, I would limit the conversation to 5 minutes.  You are busy, you have very important things to do in your life, even if it is only cleaning the oven.  I would listen and use the phrase, "Well, I'm very confident that you'll find a way to work out your problems that is best for you.  Mama didn't raise no fool".

Men always want what they can't have.  They love the thrill of the chase.  Play "hard to get", not impossible, but let the phone machine take a message now and then, return phone calls (eventually) with the phrase "Oh, thanks so much for calling, it was nice to hear the sound of your voice on the machine".  No further explanations are required about where you were or how long it took you to return the call.  I would not volunteer any info about my life unless I was asked.

If you are a Mother who has a son who calls you when everything is good, then appreciate every second of his phone calls.  He's not playing by the rules of just about every man on the planet (IMHO) who takes his mother for granted.

CP




Offline Pooh

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2014, 07:28:57 AM »
I totally agree.  I have a close relationship with YS.  He's a good, caring Son, but yet he still only calls when he has news about himself or the family.  I do get "good news" phone calls, but they are centered around "their" good news...ha ha.  He doesn't call just to say, "Hey, how you doing?"  Psssshhh....it's really not personal, I just don't think he thinks about it.  I try to think of it as it least he thinks of me when he has news for him!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2014, 11:04:14 PM »
^^^ Yup!^^^ What Pooh said.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline allthatmatters

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #6 on: May 06, 2014, 01:57:04 PM »
I am a DIL and I have to agree with the above ladies.  My brother hardly calls my mom, only to talk about his news, his needs, someone to watch the kids.  Guess who does the planning?  Yep my SIL.  My sister and I call my mom and text just to say hi and see how she is.  My MIL has 3 boys no girls, now granted my DH tries but I do most of the communicating with.  Heck, 2 of her boys live right by her, walking distance and she sees us more than them and we are 45 mins away.  I know it hurts but just be thankful he calls.  There is plently of ladies on this site who don't get to talk to their children.

Offline Didi.lost

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2014, 08:47:32 PM »
Yes I usually hear from my son when he has news or needs to ask something but I am happy for whatever I get from him.  He is a very caring respectful son and he loves me and shows it.

But I have not heard a thing from my dd in almost a year now and I haven't physically seen her in over 2 years.

If you still have communication of any kind with him, you are doing better than a lot of us.

Hope this helps

Offline lostmom

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2014, 09:29:17 PM »
Well, I am kinda in the boat as you.  I only hear from 2 of my children when they need or want something. My 3rd child would not call me if her life depended on it!!!  The 2 that do call once in awhile never ask how I am doing or if I need anything and I have a lot of medical problems.  It's very sad indeed and hurts very much.  Now that I have stopped doing for the 2 of them, I rarely hear from them. I don't know what to do, so I have really no advice to offer you, but just wanted to let you know I understand your situation.   If something were to happen to my husband, Id be all alone and my kids would care less if I needed anything. It's really pretty hard and sad... I always called my mom when she was alive and my dad is still alive, and I call and go see him all the time. I don't sit around waiting for him to call. I believe it's our job as children to call our parents to check on them.  Guess it's not that way anymore. God Bless you

Offline OptingOut

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Re: tired of being used
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2014, 04:35:34 PM »
How about limiting the amount of time you spend on the phone with your son?

You can also try asking why he only calls when he needs help. That might get him thinking.