Author Topic: Please Help  (Read 630 times)

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Offline MrsGinger1965

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Please Help
« on: April 25, 2014, 05:11:56 AM »
My youngest son has told me he will not be a part of my life any longer. I am very close to his ex wife, she has been in my life since she was 14. Yes she did make some bad choices during their marriage, that eventually led to their divorce. Both very young at the time. They have 1 son together that means the world to me. Since then my son has married again, this woman had 2 kids already and they have had a set of twin girls since their marriage. I have tried everything within my power to be kind and generous to his new wife, However she is a very sarcastic rude person. And has MAJOR jealousy over the ex wife and I being so close. To make a long story short, my son is now saying unless I end my relationship with his ex that he no longer wants to be a part of my life. This is destroying me... I love my son more than life it's self. I feel it is very selfish of him to expect me to just turn off my love for his ex. She is ALWAYS here for me. I have several medical issues and there's times I can't even walk, And she is the one that is always here to help me. Since marrying this other woman my son has changed in so many ways. He was always a very caring person and very forgiving, He in fact asked me after he and his first wife divorced to please forgive her for the mistakes she made and never to turn my back on her. But now it's an entire different story.  I have never compared his new wife to his ex wife.  I have messaged my son numerous times , he will not respond to me at all. Please Help!! :'(
Loving my Country Life

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Please Help
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2014, 10:16:35 AM »
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and, under Open Me First, read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored forum.

My experience with my ex-DIL is very similar. I have not had the heartbreak of having my DS tell me that I had to sever my relationship with her or lose him after he remarried, so I can only imagine the horror of that. What I do know is that my ex-DIL is that daughter of my heart and if I was told by anyone to stop loving her, it would simply be impossible.

My take is that your son is an adult and has made a life-choice that affects you...but/and it is about him...not you. He is having to change to adapt to his new relationship and you are experiencing what is now being called 'collateral damage.' If I had to guess, it would be that if you comply with his demand, it will be the first of many and that no matter what you do, nothing is ever going to be the same again between you and DS. You are being ordered to be someone else...not who you are. What has been lost is mutual respect and I believe that to comply, you could also lose your self-repect. You are not choosing to distance yourself. If DS does, it will be very painful for you...probably close to unbearable...but it will be his decision, not yours.

You have completed your parenting role. Friendship and mutual respect were what developed after that but/and now the dynamics have changed. On this Website we see this all too often. Each of us has to decide if and when we will let go and take a stand. Some of us have yet to do that and may never make that choice. Those who have managed to do that have found peace. The loss, however, remains. Taking a stand never involves changing others and we can't change to please them. What we can do is to have a life after parenting.

Sending prayers and hugs...



Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Footloose

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Re: Please Help
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2014, 01:55:06 PM »
Welcome Ms. Ginger,

I understand your situation too well.  You have done nothing wrong in keeping ties with your friends and loved ones.  There is your grandchild involved too.  I will always keep a respectful tie to my DIL even if and I hope NEVER, they get divorced.  She married my son and helped to create and will be raising my 4 GKs.  In my way of seeing things for me, she is my family now and forever because of the children.

Luise is spot on as always in that this really has nothing to do with you or your friendship w/ the ex.  It has to do with his issues of control, maybe stemming from his new bride's insecurities.  It is very sad to know that there's nothing you can do because it is not you who has the problems. 

All you can do is be true
to YOU......

Count your blessings for the good relationship you have w xdil!  She sounds like a good friend!

Hugs! 

Offline MrsGinger1965

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Re: Please Help
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2014, 02:29:53 PM »
Thank you so much for the replies. It gave me cold chills to read the responses. I am standing my ground on this. And praying daily that he will see I will not change the way I feel. I agree that if I allow him to make me remove her from my life then he will feel in control. I can not allow that.  I am happy that I found this site. It always helps knowing I am not the only one in this big ole crazy world dealing with something like this. Once again Thank you so much. God Bless
Loving my Country Life