Author Topic: Helpful hints/suggestions, please  (Read 1647 times)

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Offline BlueEyes

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Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« on: April 24, 2014, 08:00:10 PM »
I read here frequently but have not written for a long time. I've have two DDs one 36 and one 33. Recent circumstances with truly made me look at myself with renewed insight and also needing other perspectives.
The circumstances are:
1) ODD was diagnosed about one and a half months ago with breast cancer. She had a double mastecomy two weeks ago and faces the likely hood of chemo and hormone therapy for next 5-7 years.
2)YDD spent much of the month and a half after the diagnosis in conversations with ODD that were very distressing to ODD. The conversations from YDD were centered on how the diagnosis affected YDD.  YDD showed no or little compassion, understanding, or concern for the impact of how the cancer was impacting and affecting her sister.
3) ODD was so emotionally hurt and upset with the lack of concern and understanding from her sister that her DH text YDD to stop any further communication with ODD.
4) another part of this saga.  I spent a week with ODD right after her diagnosis just to be with her for moral support. I text YDD during that visit and followed with a card that day after I arrived home just to let her know that I was thinking about her. The day after I sent the card snail mail I receive a text from YDD. The text told me in no uncertain terms that I need to remember that I have two daughters. That I always make her feel that she comes last and that she is choosing to turn her back and have nothing to do with me.  This was written to me before she was asked to stop communicating with ODD by her DH.
5) So...ODD and her DH did not want YDD to know surgery date or any information regarding the surgery . So we honored their requests. We have been with ODD and  her DH and GSs since day before ODDs surgery to help as caretakers. YDD learned about surgery date from other family members. Sent me an ugly text day following surgery of how inconsiderate we were to not have said anything to her about her sister's surgery and how demented I was. 
6) I felt she told me she wanted nothing to do with me and that I have done nothing but make her feel unimportant. My take on this was to give her space and leave her alone. Her older sister wants nothing to do with her. She feels her sister has been unfeeling and showed no compassion or concern for what she is going through following her diagnosis of breast cancer.

I have not heard from YDD since the day after surgery. A close friend says to maintain my "break In any form of communication " with her. YDD pattern and history has been one of seeming to want to be with us and then from no where I will receive mean and nasty texts of how cruel I am and that I need to say something different, do something different ...the list goes on forever. I feel like no matter how much I do or what I do, it is never enough. I am never enough.

While helping ODD and knowing that we are going to be helping for some time, I and my DH would need all our energy and focus to be on the task at hand with ODD. I decided I had enough of the nasty texts from YDD. I just wanted the nastiness to stop. I decided the one way to stop it was to stop communicating period. So I did.

Her birthday is in May. Birthdays are important in our family. I don't know if I should send a card at least or just keep the break in communication.  To make a break to stop the abuse should I maintain break in communication. So perplexed..please any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. The whole situation has been surreal for sure. To watch my ODD go through such radical surgery, change her dressings, the complexities of cancer, the unknowns yet to come and know the YDDs lack of compassion being so boldly displayed is just beyond understanding .   


Offline nikncon

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2014, 08:33:14 PM »
Dear Blue Eyes.So sorry for all the pain that your family is going through.There are many women wiser than me on this website but I would say do what makes you feel comfortable.If you feel like it just send a very simple greeting card.If you don't feel like it don't send one.Your ODD needs your support.You need to be healthy too for all of them.YDD will hopefully grow up and see how badly she has behaved.Prayers your way.

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Offline luise.volta

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2014, 09:11:59 PM »
Good to hear from you, B, but sorry you are up against such a difficult situation. I agree with Nik. Whatever you do or don't do is probably going to be misinterpreted. I would continue to support ODD in every way possible and would not bend to YDD's bid to make this about her. Sending hugs...
« Last Edit: April 24, 2014, 09:25:53 PM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Footloose

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2014, 01:41:02 PM »
I would stop the contact until she can treat you better.  The probs between her and her sis are between them and i would not be part of any discussion around it other than...."I can hear how upsetting this is for you dear but I'm sure things will work out in time if you both want it....cancer and surgery is hard for everyone and we all cope in our own ways."  Then change the subject and keep it closed. 

The whole, "you always loved her best" really makes me throw up a little in my mouth when it comes from adults who are also over 30......

If you must send a bday card, do it but keep it short and to the point of her and her birthday.  Maybe write a quick blurb about your willingness for the two of you to sort out current differences but that you cannot go back in time and change anything.  Always focus on, the "where do we go from here" concept.  Acknowledge her pain or disappointment and then let it go where it belongs, under the bridge along with a sea of other past moments.....

Serious illnesses are so hard on everyone and even tho the patient has it so much worse. YD may be seeing it as her own hereditary prophecy.  I lost a few friends when i got so gravely ill and lost my feet.  They just couldn't see me that way because it reminded them of their own vulnerability. Losing body parts is an awful thing to face for all.....

Hugs to you dear sister in struggle!  My hopes are with you and your family for a speedy and complete recovery.

Offline BlueEyes

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2014, 07:13:48 AM »
Thank you so much for the input. ODD recuperating from surgery is a dot by dot process. We keep our focus towards her healing process.

For YD I pray and hope for "I am not sure of what " most of the time. I have sent cards by snail mail so many other times in the past when she has stopped communicating and/or sent nasty mean texts. It just feels like the same pattern has been repeated so many times but there does not seem to be any change for the better that lasts. She usually ends up mad about something I have said, not said, done or not done. I have learned that she is not honest with us many times and twists many things we do or say.

She told me in one of her last texts that she would be having nothing to do with us so she would not have to deal with me making her feel like she always comes last. That is when I decided the best thing for me to do was "to do nothing." I read one time "that when you have done all else, stand." I feel like I have tried everything I can think of from being direct, being understanding,, being kind, on and on. I am in a quandary because it all seems so futile. I am feeling numb at this point because I have gone through these behaviors with her so many times it's like the boy who kept crying wolf.

I am helping with ODDs healing process in her home along with DH. I almost feel like YD is in some other world. Almost nonexistent. How sad is that. I wonder if this is my way of distancing myself for my self preservation. Boy, things seem so odd sometimes. I love YD but I do not want to hurt and feel so confused anymore when she just can not seem to just accept me as I am.

Any thoughts will be gratefully appreciated.

Offline Didi.lost

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2014, 04:41:16 PM »
Hello BlueEyes and I am sorry you are going through this heartache.  Yes heartache from health problems and a ydd that sounds like a very similar dd to mine.  Jealous or selfish just thinking of herself and what she wants.  Its immature if you ask me and very hurtful to a mom going through so much.  See my DD couldn't accept me as I am either but I was supposed to accept her as hers no matter what.  I couldn't take the hurtful uncalled for nastyness anymore either.
Haven't seen her for 2 yrs and haven't spoken for 9 months.  She wishes I was dead so I have given her an early gift you might say.  Its very sad to have no communication but it is also so very much more calm in our lives now.  We felt she has to work out her own demons, we can't do that for her and in the meantime we spend as much time as we can with our son and gc.  If she wants us in her life, she knows how to reach us.  I have let her birthday go by without saying anything and then I have also wished her a very happy bday but it has made no difference either way.  Her mind is made up for what she wants so I stopped wasting my breath on someone who only wants herself pleased. 

I am worth more than degrading attacks on my character and feelings.  No one is perfect, we just have to learn to get along to get along.  Silence is my gratitude.

Wishing you the very best with your ODD and hoping YDD gets a clue someday.  Do what is good for your health and well being.  Live your life for you, love who treats you right and for the people who don't, it's their problem.

Offline Sheen

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2014, 08:22:06 PM »
Hi BlueEyes
Sorry to hear about your daughter's health problems and pray everything turns out for the best . As far as your younger daughter, at first read I tend to agree with everyone's opinion that you should concentrate on your daughter with health issues and leave the one calling foul to ponder her own thoughts.
However there is always the possibility that your youngest is having a hard time dealing with her sister's illness and is afraid that she might at some point go thru the same thing. Fear could possibly make her react irrationally and take out her anger over the situation on both you and your oldest daughter.  Perhaps she just needs someone to blame for a situation that noone has control over and concentrating on anger is alot easier then dealing with the reality.
As far as her birthday, I tend to think that if this is the first one that you are debating stepping away from, then I would send the card and make the call. You don't want to reward her behavior but you also don't want to widen the gap between you especially at this difficult time.
All my best to you

Offline BlueEyes

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2014, 09:14:30 PM »
Good evening to all. Sheen and Didi.lost. Thank you for words of kindness and your suggestions. I am in agreement with the input.

Today has been a very tearful day for me. I don't even know where the tears came from when they came. I did feel over tired today so I spent three hours walking just trying to take in the beauty of my surroundings.

I am going to continue to pray and put my concerns out to the universe and ask for guidance. I continue to just "stand" in regards to YD birthday. ODD next appointment will determine next plan of action for treatment for the cancer. Wow. This is definitely a life altering experience. I pray for ongoing guidance and strength.

I am grateful for this group's support. Your words of kindness and support are very much welcomed.

I wish peace for each one of us. This hurting is so totally unnecessary and brings me to tears while writing this. Wishes for a peaceful new start tomorrow.

Offline Didi.lost

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2014, 09:12:40 AM »
Blue Eyes, I am also praying for you today to have the strength you need to continue your journey.  All the best to all of you and better days ahead.

(((Hugs)))

Offline Pen

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Re: Helpful hints/suggestions, please
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2014, 08:38:36 PM »
Sending hugs and good thoughts, BE.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb