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Shattered

Started by Ditty, April 14, 2014, 09:11:30 am

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Ditty

I did read the open me first thread and if I'm in the wrong place or posting something wrong, I won't at all feel offended if its wrong. I'll just try to correct it. I admit up front that I don't know if this should be dil or ds because it's really both.

It takes some background but I'm going to try to make it as short as possible. I've always wanted a loving family and never had it. Not with my own, and not with my in laws. I'm the youngest of my siblings and Even though I'm a very well grown adult, my mother always told me that I was never wanted, she cried from the day she found she was pg with me, I ruined her life, I look just like my father that she divorced, just on and on. She wasn't a functional person, she was the type of person that was very jealous and divisive and everyone had to only have her and no one else, including her  children. Yet of course when you are growing up you would do whatever sometimes for your mother to love you, it's your mother. I was guilty of that to an extent myself. I saw her as flawed and wanted a relationship with my siblings, yet I felt sorry for her and wanted to take care of her. Especially since my paternal grandmother didn't try to hide her hatred for her.

Long story short it of course didn't end well and I wanted my ds to have a mother and family that I never had. Because of another long story that nearly ended in death, mine, he's an only. My mother, and my mil continued their reign of terror with him. I'm not a saint by any means but I was willing to look past what they did to mean for him and if they would be good grandmothers. They sadly weren't and many times I saw him in tears and asking me what he did wrong. The answer, nothing. So yes, long ago I made the decision to cut them all, everyone one of them, out of our lives.  I couldn't stand him to be hurt anymore.  My dh agreed. It would take a book to write about his side.

Fast forwarding to years later, we gave our ds a loving childhood that neither of us had, filled with happy family, friends, laughter, love, everything neither dh or I ever had. But none of it mattered to us because that was the past and not current and really a lifetime that wasn't ours but our parents and what we really learned was we knew as a family what we wanted and didn't want.

I love my ds more than anything in this world, I think any loving mother does. But sadly I do finally have to agree with dh, that he's just not mentally well. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? I ask myself everyday. He hates me, absolutely hates me. He has so many "memories" that just aren't true.

Here's the dil and not sure where to post. When he first met her and then we did we were thrilled, we loved her to pieces. She actually would criticize her mother and family and I would basically say give them a break because..... I never tried to separate them. At different times she would tell me things that ds said about me or his childhood that were lies. I would tell her the falsehoods and she would say, I don't think I really know him. I would tell her that she knows him, his heart, he's kind, he's intelligent, he'll do anything for you. That's the type of person that he is. Judge him on that. Why he hates me I don't know. She said that what she saw was not the person he describe. Ok admittedly I couldn't help but cry actually hearing that he hated me so much. Anyway.....

I loved her, I loved him. I was so happy they found each other. Then all things changed. Something is very obviously wrong with him, which breaks my heart but I don't mean it like he's an innocent and free pass, but I haven't seen or heard from him or her in two years.

They moved to a different state where her mother lives,and even in her house. At first I was hurt that they wanted to be closer to her, but that was my problem and I dealt with it, and I didn't live, oh yea happy for them, I just went on with my life. Of course I was thrilled to keep in touch, although they both said it couldn't only be email nothing more.

Then after a few months she wouldn't even reply, then even deleted the email address that she gave me, Then he started being shockingly vicious.

Oh gosh, this is way longer than I intended as a simple post. I'm sorry.  I'm still trying to make sense of the hurt.

allthatmatters

Oh Ditty how terrible that you are being put through this, you seem like a mother who tried the best she could considering your past and for what to be treated that way?  Does your son call or email to say why he is acting this way?

luise.volta

April 14, 2014, 11:48:08 am #2 Last Edit: April 14, 2014, 11:51:18 am by luise.volta
Thanks for clarifying. I have closed the earlier thread. It seems to have run its course. 
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

allthatmatters

Totally understand thanks Luise

Pooh

Welcome Ditty although sorry you had to find us.  Congratulations first for rising above a dysfunctional family and trying to do better by your Son.  That is no easy task so give yourself a pat on the back.

Secondly, we see time and time again, with our children and our families that sometimes no matter what we try doesn't work out.  I know that's not comforting words but we learn that we have no control over anyone but ourselves.  The only thing I have learned is to let go.  By letting go, I am saying I deserve better and that I matter.  Of course we love them, but love doesn't give them a reason to be able to treat us badly no more than a stranger does.

Just from what you wrote, you were caught in the middle.  You had a DS saying untruthful things about you, then a DIL repeating them to you which in turn, she shouldn't have done.  Then she's talking about her own family, so you can gather she was probably talking about you to them and DS.  You were caught on a roller coaster without a seatbelt.  When people are that way, all you can do is put on your own oxygen mask and refuse to be drawn into their drama.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

Quote from: Ditty on April 14, 2014, 11:57:28 am
I don't understand.

Silence of conversavation you don't like? Isn't that wise women unite? Strong conversation?


Ditty, our forum is based on mutual respect.  We can agree to disagree but we don't turn it into a debate.  Mutual respect is what makes us wise women. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Ditty

Dear pooh, Ty honestly for your post. It addresses my post, and I ty for that. Yes this is just an Internet forum, but rl problems, and I looked for help.

I apologize for getting involved in something that rl isn't what I wanted and Ty, and goodbye and I wish you all well.

Stand strong

Pooh

You're fine Ditty.  There are many forums that use that debate format.  We just don't do it here because from experience, or if you go look at some of those others, it turns into a bashing forum and people are just angry and hateful to each other.  We get enough of that in our real lives.

I can tell you everything I did or didn't do, but each situation is unique and what works for one, doesn't work for the other many times.  It's trial and error.  The one thing we all have in common is hurt.  Here, hopefully we help each other learn to grieve and move on to happy lives.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

luise.volta

Time to move on and find a venue that fits. Wishing you well.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama