Author Topic: How to handle my married daughter and son in law sharing family business  (Read 3638 times)

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Offline concernmother

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My husband and I sharing a family business with our daughter's family. My husband and our daughter work in business and used to have disagreements regarding how to spend business funds and other issues. Sometimes they have different vision how to run business. Recently my daughter and her husband decided to push us to sell our shares to other person. We invested a lot money and efforts to build this business and we feel it's not fair. Nevertheless, the things start getting ugly. I used to have very good relationship with my daughter. However, now she is getting really angry with us and disrespectful, I feel she creates a distance between us and now she is giving us a silence treatment. We do not see our grandkids for a while. It is really hurts. She only speak to me if I called her. Looks like they are trying to punish us for all good things we've done for them meaning financial and physical help. She is the only one child and it explains. Have no idea what to do..

Offline Pooh

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Welcome concernedmother.  When you get a chance, please read the posts highlighted under "Open Me First".  Nothing wrong with your post, we just ask all new members to familiarize themselves with the rules and make sure you feel you are a good fit to the forum.

My Mother always told me never to mix family and money.  Never let them borrow money and don't give them anything monetary that you wouldn't consider a gift, as normally it turns out badly.  I'm sorry that you started this business with them with intentions to help and it has turned out this way.  Are you able to buy them out where you can bring in someone else?  They are asking you to drop out, are they willing to give it up?  If not, if it wouldn't hurt your financially, I would be letting them buy me out in order to end the turmoil with the business.

Is that going to improve your relationship?  Probably not as there is now hurt feelings but at least you wouldn't have to daily see the disrespect and can start making yourselves happy again.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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I also moved your post to this category and deleted the second one you started that was in regards to the same thing.








We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Welcome, C. I agree that it is time to dissolve the partnership. You have other, very reasonable expectations...but they want to move on. They asked and you refused. Whatever your reasons, and they make sense to me, it is your refusal that seems to be at the bottom of this. Remember, this is only my point of view. My take is that your daughter is no longer a child to mentor. There is no way to instill our own logic into another adult (related or not)...they have their own. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline concernmother

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Thanks for your response... We did agree to sell our shares and moved on. I just do not know how to react on
my daughter 'silent treatment'. We used to be very close and talk every day. Now she is not calling and looks like she wants to make a statement.... should I continue to call her and try to make a peace or better off just
let it go.

Offline luise.volta

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Sorry, I didn't get that. My experience is that when someone goes silent, it is a choice. When we respect that, the ball is back in their court where it started and belongs. If it is being done for a reaction or punishment...how are we to know what that is supposed to be...what hoop to jump through..how often...how high? I would give her room and turn toward what brings me joy and feels like respect. All of us have other avenues in our lives that nurture us...we can choose not to focus on the abberations of others. When it is family, it is harder, I know from experience, but bottom line...I matter and deserve better. Now, I see the reflection of that all around me. I couldn't see it when I was trying to make sense of the senseless and was at the effect of it.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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I'm with Luise.  From personal experience and trying all kinds of different things, with the same outcome.  Now when someone wants to give me the "silent treatment", I let them.  I've learned slowly not to get dragged into their drama.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline concernmother

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Thanks you so much for your advice... I did the same and she start calling me like nothing happened.
Should I show them that we've been hurt or just let it go?
 

Offline Pooh

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Tough call.  It's a fine line between setting your personal boundaries and letting stuff go.  Maybe wait to see if this is a pattern or just a one time thing related to all the stressful business stuff?  Let it go for now if it's isolated, but if she does it again and you ignore it and she comes back, then maybe let her know that you are not playing that game.

Usually I find that I teach people how to treat me by how I react to it.  So if you don't react to her silent treatments and she figures out it's not getting a reaction, she may just stop trying that on her own. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline concernmother

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Unfortunately it is not isolated incident. Usually my husband gets it, since they are working together. Sometimes, the rudeness of my daughter really make my husband very upset and angry.
It is mostly work related issues.
I guess its different views how to run business, and nobody wants to give up.
I'm the one who is in the middle and to calm him down. He is getting very angry with her and it frustrates me.
When my daughter complains to me about her father's decisions, I usually try to be on his side knowing how dedicated he is and how much he done for the business.
However, my daughter thinks that I should always support her not him. Now she has her husband on her side and sometimes I fell it's like 2 against 2. And I know it is wrong, since we are family and she is the only one daughter.   

Offline Pooh

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Maybe that will calm down now that you have agreed to sell and move on.  And if not, well then truly I wouldn't tolerate it and set my boundaries with them.  You have to be willing to take the chance of losing the relationship completely if you do, but I always said, I wasn't really having a relationship anyway.  It was all one-sided.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline concernmother

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It is almost a month now and we still do not talk a lot. Just very short conversation since she is busy with work and kids. It looks like she wants to show that she does not need me at this point of her life.
They went on vacation for 10 days with kids and she called us only when she needs something, when ussualy she calls me almost every day.

 It so upsetting, especially we used to be so close together. I do not know what is wrong with her. I was trying to reach her few times, she called me back but we still do not communicate as we used to.
Have no idea what to do.
 

Offline luise.volta

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My take is that it is not about you. We can't make sense of the senseless, nor change it. All we can do is stop trying and turn our attention toward our own healing. Until we take that step we just go 'round and 'round the same cicuit of helplessness and being right.

Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline concernmother

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Re: How to handle my married daughter and son in law sharing family business
« Reply #13 on: February 24, 2015, 08:57:29 AM »
My take is that it is not about you. We can't make sense of the senseless, nor change it. All we can do is stop trying and turn our attention toward our own healing. Until we take that step we just go 'round and 'round the same cicuit of helplessness and being right.

Sending hugs...

Dear Luise, I'm here again looking for some sujestions, because nothing is solved at this point, my daughter's relationship with her husband getting even worse. one day they are fine, even went on vacation, next day he is angry again and stop talking again. Moreover, every time he is not talking to my daughter he put their yongest son in their bed.
I'm not sure how to react, boy is 8 yers old and of course he likes to sleep in the parent's bedroom, but I think it is too much. My daugher told him many times not to do it, but he ignores her.
They are both professionals, hight educated people. Me and my husband think it is wrong but not want to interfere. But sometimes I'm not sure if it is right thing to do. We try to stay aside and wait what is going to happen. Should we get involved?   

Offline Footloose

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Re: How to handle my married daughter and son in law sharing family business
« Reply #14 on: February 24, 2015, 01:25:52 PM »
Hi Cmom,
In my experience, it's best not to get involved unless you know of abuse or neglect and in that case, a call to your local family services would be the best place to start.

If it is a disagreement between husband and wife about their son's sleeping location, I would not get involved. 

You might say to your daughter, "I really am sorry to hear about your struggles but I am not equiped to help in any way other than being a good listener.  If you need help, please talk it out with your husbamd or get counseling through local churches or professionals."   Then politely change the subject. 

If you get involved and they reconcile or even if they do not, you could be blamed for the results.

It sounds to me that this couple is using their son as ammunition for their own arguments and that is not fair to the child and caustic to their reconcilliation.  This is a problem for your daughter to solve and she is capable so let her.

Luise gave you very great advise and is the wisest among us.  Read it again to see if her words apply to your current situation?

Hugs!