Author Topic: Daughter in law hates me  (Read 3078 times)

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Offline marmark1

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Daughter in law hates me
« on: March 22, 2014, 01:41:06 AM »
Please help,I am a new member,and desperately upset.My D I L has resented me from the start.Im very much darned if I do and darned if I don't.My family and friends think she would have resented me who ever I was.It is almost certainly because of her upbringing ,She was brought up by just her mother,no extended family .I know I have done every thing in my power to bond with her.I have never interfered,I don't ever visit without asking her first if I can.I have pussy footed around her ,afraid of upsetting her.But I do any way,because she will deliberately misinterpret me.For example ,out of the blue,my son will phone me and say she is annoyed at me .I don't even know I'v done it.The thing is now they have a one year old daughter,and I absolutely adore her.But she is doing her best to keep me away from her.I don't think her mother is helping.I think she is jealous because the baby always wants to come to me,even though I don't see her that often(it's probably because I play with her).My son is also afraid of upsetting her,and goes along because of the baby.He does every thing for her.Please advice.I have decided after this latest episode ,to step back and let her come to me.But it's the baby.
« Last Edit: March 22, 2014, 02:20:21 AM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2014, 02:19:21 AM »
Welcome, M. Please go to our HomePage and under Open Me First read the four posts placed there for new members. We ask that you pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit. We're a monitored Website. I made some minor changes in your wording.

My take...and you will probably get many other points of view, is that your son picked this woman and that's the determining factor. He's an adult and his loyalty lies there. Many of us here don't have access to our grandchildren and are not able to participate in an extended family relationship. It doesn't help to see that our expectations aren't being met. No matter how reasonable they are, others don't have the obligation to meet them.

I have learned the hard way, that we raise our children and our job is done. From there on, the ball is in their court. If your son calls to tell you that you are at fault, you can ask him to have your DIL contact you directly. However, if she wants to find fault, it may just be the way it is. If your friends feel she would threat any MIL the same way...it may be wise not to discuss this personal issue with them. For those of us that have had a similar experience, the solution has mostly been to let go. Being right hasn't helped us, nor has self pity. It took me a very long time to get that in my own situation. Our adult children get to have life the way they choose and make up their own rules. We have found ways to create positive lives for ourselves that don't involve family and many of us have healed the wound and found fulfillment elsewhere. We were whole before we became parents, so we opt for wholeness after our parenting is complete. We don't start out liking it, as I mentioned above...we had other expectations and it can be a very painful adjustment. However, once we get past knowing we aren't doing anything wrong and we can't fix it, we move on. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline not like the movies

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2014, 04:05:30 PM »
Welcome. Sorry for the situation that brought you here. My own daughter banished me and my grandson a few years back. It was very painful. I finally just let go. Sometimes when up against a brick wall you need to turn around and look what is behind you. An entire life of other choices and other people that wanted to be around me and I them. Once I was able to do that I began to heal. I wasn't so exhausted trying to manage my daughters issues. My daughter had to marinate in her own choices and doings. I was no longer present to point the finger at.  I invested a lot of time and finances on something I could not change. It was a bad investment. I learned a lot most importantly about me. She did eventually come to me and reconcile. It was a long and uncomfortable journey. I can tell you one important thing I learned was that there is more room in a broken heart. I found room for so many other things and other people. I am a better person for the experience. This was not easy but it was possible. I changed myself day by day until one day I liked the new me way better. I keep learning and getting better. I try to remember there is always room for improvement and I am the only one I can improve on. Sometimes I slip but is is ever so short lived. It is a process. Take care, better days are ahead.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Offline marmark1

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2014, 01:10:12 AM »
Thank you .Not like the movies.Some thing for me to think about.How do you turn your emotions off though?

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2014, 04:14:12 AM »
Marmark1 I do not think anyone expects you to turn your emotions off but to redirect them to a more fruitful purpose.  We spent years raising our children and through those years we learned that when things got bad we had to invest more time and energy in order to fix things.  Then one day some of our children rip the reins out of our hands and we no longer have the power to "fix" things but we try anyway and when it does not help we just try harder.  Before we know it we are running after our adult children practically begging for attention, or at least I was. 

It was the wonderful women here who told me to stop.  Stop trying to fix things and look around you at the wonderful things you have that do not need fixing!  Do not let your mind dwell on the relationship you cannot change, turn your mind instead to the things and people in your life that bring you happiness.  Revel in the joy and peaceful acceptance you find when you turn your energies away from fixing your relationship with your DIL and toward the other people in your life.  Put your DIL and son on the back burner for now.

Eventually things may change. I finally found out that my DIL spent her entire life resenting her father's mother because she used her money to control the family.  Now that she is gone things have eased somewhat.  I do not think I will ever feel close to this DIL because of the way she treated me but things are better.  As long as she does her job of keeping my DS happy things will be fine. 

Good luck to you!  Once I found this site my life just evened out and things got better.  My hope is that the same happens to you. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Pen

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2014, 11:06:58 PM »
Welcome, MM1. I'm glad you found us, sorry you needed to. Who knows why a DIL (or a MIL, for that matter) acts the way they do? I finally decided that I didn't need to have the answers, I just needed to take care of myself. Once I accepted that I had no control over what this young lady and her FOO thought of me, or how they were influencing my DS, things got better.

This site saved me from being an emotional wreck (read past posts.) I'd already figured out what not to do as a MIL, but I didn't know how to take care of myself. Now I can honestly say that I've moved on. It's weird - I spent a lot of time trying to understand my sad, unfair situation and being distraught about it, and then one day I realized that I was happy again. One step at a time. We'll be with you all the way.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2014, 09:10:26 AM »
Thank you .Not like the movies.Some thing for me to think about.How do you turn your emotions off though?


Welcome marmark1... sorry this has happened to you.  I also am hated by by DIL... only she put on a pretty good act for nearly 10 years during which time she had three children..who I adored..  I really didn't know anything was wrong until one day we had a sort of falling out and she let me have it with both barrels..  I was reeling back on my heels and in total shock.  She kept my grandkids away from me for nearly a year, until my son decided he wasn't going to put up with my banishment any longer and decided he would bring the kids over to see me.   I get to see them about 3 times a year.   

For a long time it was very hard.  But I have come to realize that it's for the best.  I cannot have an evil person like that in my life... and prefer to see the kids less..... without her..   You ask how one turns off ones emotions?   You cannot.  In otherwords it's not something you can will.  There is not on off switch..  What happens is that over time,  it gets less and less painful.  The kids are not close to me, never will  be... and it is what it is.    In fact.. sometimes my son wants to bring them over... and I don't want him to.   I'm not used to young children anymore and I have other things I want to do.  I'm sure he feels a bit rejected sometimes... but again.. it is what it is.   He married her...  His problem.... lol!!    I know that I am very very much futher along in this saga, and you are just beginning the journey.   I just want you to know that it is possible to get over the pain and longing and to move on.   I have accepted things as they are.   That's the best we can do. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2014, 10:04:38 AM »
I agree that we can't turn our emotions off...any attempt to do that can backfire, compromising our health. What is possible is a shift in focus. What we focus on gets bigger, what we shift away from gets smaller and our emotions follow our focus. We have others we love who don't abuse us...(and the last thing we want to teach our grandchildren, by example, is to condone abuse.) We have other interests when we choose to remember...there are other opportunities when we look...and there are wonderful things still undiscovered. Most of us have had to go through self-pity. We didn't ask for, deserve, or dream of such a horror...and the death of our very reasonable expectations is a terrible blow. But...we have elected not to let ourselves get stuck in self-pity. I almost did and a wonderful life has followed that awful time...now that I can look back. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2014, 10:24:24 AM »
So very true Louise.  And the length of time and mode of healing is different for everyone.  Only speaking from personal experience... it took me about 3 years.. and 4 dogs and 4 cats as healing props.  I went on a pet adoption rampage.  I can see now that I was trying to fill the void and trying to create a whole new family for myself... with creatures that gave me nothing but unconditional love.  It really helped..  and I am not sorry.  I love my animals as if they were family.. Thank goodness hubby feels the same way about them.. hahahaha..   

Offline Pooh

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #9 on: March 25, 2014, 10:57:45 AM »
Welcome and to add what all these other lovely Ladies have offered, I would add that GC add a whole new problem to the issue.  It's very hard to know that any conflict with the parents results in loss of relationship with them too.  In my own head, to deal with it, I had to put it in a different perspective to make myself let go.

If I had a best friend, who had another friend with her all the time, and the other friend was horrible to me.  Called me names, told lies about me, and was just a toxic person, would I continue to see the best friend?  If best friend refused to come without this friend, I would have to say goodbye to best friend as well.

I know that is simplistic, but in my world, taking abuse and disrespect from the parents to only see the GC would be like accepting that other friend's nastiness in order to see my best friend.  It would stink but would be necessary for my own health and well-being and a choice best friend was putting on me.  Sometimes we have to give up something we love for an all over benefit.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline marmark1

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Re: Daughter in law hates me
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2014, 12:50:48 PM »
Some very wise words.Thankyou.