Author Topic: Why do I care MIL visiting  (Read 1959 times)

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Offline stilltrying2010

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Why do I care MIL visiting
« on: March 16, 2014, 05:14:24 AM »
Mil is visiting with her husband. Within 5 mins of being here  already going on and on about the golden grandchildren.  This is the first they have been to see us in 2yrs (we visited them prior).  MIL always making negative comments about my kids to me.  Everything from how whiny my 8yr old was when she cut herself and needed to get  stitches to how she was having difficulty picking up dance steps at her class. Then to my child anything she says oh your are just like 10yr older golden granddaughter she plays piano, likes bread, whatever. Then shares her fb page with my 8yr old, naming all her cousins (actually they were my husbands cousins cousins from the other side of their family? ) Her oldest grandson is studying abroad and she is trying to share all his pictures with our kids.  Taking random pictures of our kids and us unexpectedly on her cell phone/tablet (like Im returning to a table after using the restroom at a restaurant and flash goes off at me as I approach?) Going through pics on her cell phone naming all them to our 2 yr old? None of these people, including MIL ever contact us, they call my husband occasionally on his cell phone (maybe once a month) but never call our home or talk to our kids. 
I as frustrated. Been trying to step aside to give them their time (just found out that they will be here for 17 days and this is day 4... ) but I am like a volcano about to explode. 

Any advise appreciated....

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2014, 11:38:37 AM »
You just found out they are staying 17 days and it's your home? All I can suggest is to get that she is speaking in a foreign language and your children won't remember much. Then after she is (finally) gone, I would have some serious discussions with DH about all of this. It's your home, they are your children and you get to choose when your picture is taken. You are an adult, not a puppet! Sending many, huge hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline freespirit

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2014, 01:01:01 PM »
Sometimes a volcano needs to explode to show how mighty it is.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2014, 12:57:11 AM »
I know it is a little catty but I think I would start making comments about the other grandmother.  When your MIL says something about your DD being whiny you could say something like "well Grandma doesn't think so, Grandma thinks that you are the bravest girl she knows.  So do Mommy and Daddy".  It is sort of giving your MIL a dose of her own medicine and also reminding her that she might be falling short herself. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Pooh

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2014, 06:00:49 AM »
I know it is a little catty but I think I would start making comments about the other grandmother.  When your MIL says something about your DD being whiny you could say something like "well Grandma doesn't think so, Grandma thinks that you are the bravest girl she knows.  So do Mommy and Daddy".  It is sort of giving your MIL a dose of her own medicine and also reminding her that she might be falling short herself.

This is so wrong.....very catty and very passive aggressive.  I would so go with this advice.  :)

I'm also with Luise.  The kids could care less about cousin so-and-so and will not even remember.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2014, 09:41:00 PM »
I agree!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2014, 10:24:14 PM »
I'm on the fence on this one. I think it could be modified and work.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2014, 02:31:45 PM »
Thanks for your kind words.  I end up feeling the the jerk because I am steaming and we all know it but I feel bad blowing... And I dont think it will change anything other than to give them crap to say about me (shift them blame for their lack of real relationship to me instead of taking responsibility).

I have longed to give my MIL a taste of things and have considered many varieties. From taking about the other grandparents, or each time she mentions the other kids to talking about some obscure topic, to saying I thought we were talking about my kid we'll continue when you are done talking about them to just saying Im not sure you realize that you constantly compare/talk about the other grandkids perhaps you can get to know ours.

Bottom line, I dont think anything will change.  My husband asked me last nicer be nicer for him...  Im already more than a week in and aside for some moments where you can tell Im irritated, I think I have been pretty good.  I mean it's a long time to have someone that you really dont get  along with in your personal space. 

I dont know... Thanks for being here to hear me vent

Offline Pen

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2014, 04:25:31 PM »
Your MIL reminds me of my SM. She goes on and on about her golden children and grandchildren. We (my brother & his family, me & mine) are treated like acquaintances rather than part of the family. I'm not sure why she does that, but it's always been that way and she's not likely to change. I practice "loving detachment" (a term I learned here) when I have to be around her, and try to work on positive thinking.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Footloose

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Re: Why do I care MIL visiting
« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2014, 08:49:14 AM »
I completely agree w/ Luise on this, dear StillTrying.  You and DH must decide what is best for you and your family, living under your roof.   A much shorter timeframe, if possible would be in order.  If she is traveling from afar, maybe suggest she see the USA while here?  See if yu can trim it down to a week or less? 

While I do love the "give her her own medicine" suggestion but I have to fling that devil off my shoulder....um DAILY! 

It would feel grand at the moment but what about the long term?  Why stoop to her level?  The children are watching and can learn good communication and boundary setting from your thought out actions rather than reactions.

Maybe say, "I do not agree with (mil) grandma because I was there and saw how brave you were, honey" and give a lil hug.  "I don't think you're whiny at all...this time;)?  LOL!  Make a kind hearted joke and giv her a playful squeeze? 

Since we all have work to do in improving communication and setting boundaries, maybe make it a family project.  When mil Gmom visits, have a fun family meeting to tell everyone the rules of the game.  Start w/ group discussion on what are some ways you get your feeling hurt when people act and talk a certain way to you or other people,  Give your own example and perspective w/ one suggestion.  i.e.: Describe what happened and how you felt about it.  Then describe ways you would have rather had the words and actions coming to you.  For the next nbr of days we will be working on getting along as best we can.  Maybe come up with a funny phrase like in the kids show, Pewee Herman w/ his word of the day? Small prizes are always fun and corrective feedback can be fun too if delivered in a respectful and caring way. 

We had a bit of an issue at work, during continued education sessions, where folks were coming back from breaks and lunch later and later each day because their jobs would pull them to distraction.  The team suggested we each wad up a piece of note paper and keep it in our laps until the late person (s) sat down!  This would make everyone laugh, even the late person(s) and it really worked! 

When the turkeys get you down, take the high road so you can avoid getting stuck in their muck!