Author Topic: not sure how I should handle this  (Read 1630 times)

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Offline Stilllearning

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not sure how I should handle this
« on: March 15, 2014, 06:02:53 AM »
A little background first, I will try to make it short.  My eldest DS went to college and found his DW there.  She has ADHD, multiple allergies, asthma,migraines, pre-diabetes because of her weight, and her body loves to make kidney stones.  When my son at age 20 told me he was going to marry her I asked him to wait, sighting her multiple health issues and the fact that he had not yet finished school. I can hear you all groaning and yes that went horribly wrong and she, having heard what I said from my DS, proceeded to tell all of her family and friends what an ogre I was.   Everything I said from that point on was taken in the worst possible light to the point of it being ridiculous.  I pulled away entirely and eventually (after the first GC) things got somewhat better.  Now they call me when they need something which is fortunately not often.  My DIL inherited evidently quite a bit of money and they are both driving new cars and they bought a house (cash).  I am very happy that they are doing so well and I hope they got enough to keep them in the lap of luxury for life.  But this forum is about our adult children so let me get to that part.

My youngest son is 17 and a junior in High School.  He has been recommended for Governor's honors (fingers crossed, still waiting!) and he plans on being an anesthesiologist.  He is doing exceedingly well and we are very proud of him.  He loves his brother and occasionally he goes to visit him and sometimes spends the night.  We are glad that the relationship between the brothers is healing as there was a huge rift and lots of anger there too.  So where is the problem?  The last time he went and spent the night My DS/DIL had her sister over (who hates me because of all the stuff my DIL misinterpreted) and she brought a friend who has been fed the same line.  Is it wrong of me to feel insecure sending my incredible and easily influenced 17 year old into a house full of people who not only don't like me but who by some fluke of fortune have enough money to burn?  I am so worried that they will convince him that he does not need college and that he especially does not need to listen to a word I say. 

Should I try to restrict the contact between my sons?  Should I mention my reservations to my eldest?  Should I just trust that everything will be ok?  I certainly do not trust that my DIL will have my YS's best interests in mind and she has proven to be quite persuasive in the past.  If she manages to derail both of my sons (ES is still not finished with college though DIL finished her degree while he supported her and now she wants her master's, believe it or not, in psychology) I couldn't stand it.  All that potential lost.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline freespirit

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2014, 08:12:20 AM »
What if you spoke to your 17 year old son, and told him exatly what you are afraid of. How do you think he would take it?

I  can imagine it might be a little tricky.  You don’t want him to get defensive, and  the last thing you want is for him  to side with your older son. But sometimes our  children can surprise us, and be quite  understanding. Especially if we show them our weak, and  even insecure  side.

I was just imagining myself as a 17 year old. And I imagined my mother  opening up and telling me she is worried that  someone  may  bad mouth her,…someone who I happened to like. I wonder how I would have reacted then?  Probably deny it, tell my mom not to worry. But…if the situation really would come up,…I  would remember what my mother said, and  feel prepared, and  probably want to defend her.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline luise.volta

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2014, 09:25:57 AM »
SL - I think it is almost impossible to guess what will work. Your YS is almost ready to leave home but/and we all know there can be a huge gap between being called an adult and actually achieving that status. (Some days I don't make it and I'm 87 years old!) I definitely wouldn't approach ES about your concerns about YS...knowing he will share it with DIL, as well he should. Marriage requires that.

My take is to tell your younger son of your initial mistake and what it's cost you...with nothing added about them. I'd tell him that I thought her multiple illnesses should be considered because I feared for elder son's future and that I was both overprotective and wrong. ES was aware of all of that and able to make his own choices. I'd tell him what my misguided motivations cost us all. That it was my best at the time, though flawed.

In other words I would talk to him as one adult to another, hoping that he might be able to factor in my intentions, and where they went astray, if an when pressure was put on him.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2014, 10:25:17 AM »
Loise, I could not have let him marry her without the warning any more than I could let him drive through a red light without telling him it was red.  The wording was well chosen, the opinion was honest and if they had not gotten this wonderful inheritance they would be living with her parents with their child, three cats and two dogs.  Actually my DIL's mother expressed the same concern...LOL. 

Still talking with my youngest son does sound like my best approach.  Still waiting for more ideas.....
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Stilllearning

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2014, 02:06:16 PM »
I have about decided to talk to my youngest son but not to warn him about anything.  I think I will have a long talk about how proud I am of him and how I trust him.  He was very hurt by the way our family was treated during the whole thing and it has only been through my encouragement that he has even gone over to visit.  If I express any misgivings about the visits it might be misread by my YS as mistrust of him which is definitely not the case.  He has a good head on his shoulders and at 17 he is old enough to make up his own mind.  I just hope he never decides to move in with them!! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline luise.volta

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2014, 02:20:38 PM »
Good thinkin'...seems to me. :-)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Karen Anderson

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2014, 11:17:27 AM »
I like the way you think.  Keeping the conversation edifying to the one you are talking to.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2014, 01:36:21 PM »
Welcome, K. - We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

In addition, it's my suggestion that you take another UserName to provide you with anonymity, should you ever wish to have it. I haven't don't that, since this is my Websit. I am 87 years old and my presence is the anchor here.

Sending hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Footloose

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2014, 12:34:48 PM »
Hi SL,
Your YS may get side tracked by his brother or any person he allows to talk him into another path.  The path is his to take and may change based on your DS and his decisions, right or wrong.  Please remember it is his goal and not your for him to become a doctor or a race car driver or a garbage man for that matter.  YS has made it this far and must have good study habits and great accomplishments that dictate his ability to obtain such an education and career goal.

It is not the destination that matters, it is the journey.  His journey so far has enabled him to find a higher calling than the average person so it will be likely he can do what he sets his mind to.  Just keep in mind that it is his mind, his path, his choices, his consequences and his life. 

I would keep the issues between his brother (OS) between you and his brother.  If YS ever asks you for your part of the OS story I would keep it to the facts on what drove you to the behavior and feelings about you.  Keep the talk about OS and his wife away from DS. 

You have done a great job in raising him up to become a man but now it is his journey and he will include others based on his own desires and not ours.....DARN IT!!! ;)

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2014, 06:04:13 PM »
FL
Now I feel helpless.  Not what I was hoping for when I posted.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline luise.volta

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Re: not sure how I should handle this
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2014, 06:35:08 PM »
Please know, SL, that we don't know. We can only offer what worked for us and what didn't. What I eventually found...and it took ages, was that I was not helpless when it came to me...my choices, my priorities, my ability to reinvent myself and yes, to have a life. We are here to listen, share, acknowledge and offer options. Sort through it and keep what feels comforting and makes sense to you. Gazillions of hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama