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New DIL volunteers all over USA leaving my son alone.

Started by justme2c, March 12, 2014, 02:26:20 pm

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justme2c

My son and his new wife have been married less than six months.  She is volunteering all over the US and this last time has been gone about six weeks and we don't know when she will return.  My questions is this:  Is my son looking at a major heart break?

They are on rocky ground financially and she needs to be working and not volunteering.  She says she enjoys it, my son thought he might lose his job, he is a civil engineer and we offered to help him but on the condition that she gets a job.  We helped them with wedding expenses and paid for the honeymoon.  Same time they purchased a house and we made the down payment.

After we paid for the wedding, her parents gave them some money and they bought all new furniture.  Now with my son's job in jeopardy, they have no money!  They just laid off four people in his office and he does not know if he will be next or not.  My son says he supports her and is proud of the work she does.  HELP

luise.volta

March 12, 2014, 03:42:40 pm #1 Last Edit: March 13, 2014, 09:01:01 am by luise.volta
Welcome - We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to sure it's a fit. WWU is a monitored Website

You will get many points of view here. That's what we pretty much do...share our experiences. I hope you find something useful. My take is it's none of your business. We do our best raising our children and when they become adults (?), our job is done. Our expectations are ours, no matter how reasonable. No one is obligated to meet them. Our AC get to make their own decisions and learn from the consequences...or not. I found letting go terribly hard...I'd been the 'go to' person for so long. And both of my sons, while making monumental mistakes along the way, (just like I once did), have been deeply grateful that I did let go. Hugs to you...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Cranky Pants

Quote from: justme2c on March 12, 2014, 02:26:20 pm
My son and his new wife have been married less than six months.  She is volunteering all over the US and this last time has been gone about six weeks and we don't know when she will return.  My questions is this:  Is my son looking at a major heart break?

Maybe, maybe not, if so, he'll have to deal with it

They are on rocky ground financially and she needs to be working and not volunteering.  She says she enjoys it, my son thought he might lose his job, he is a civil engineer and we offered to help him but on the condition that she gets a job.  We helped them with wedding expenses and paid for the honeymoon.  Same time they purchased a house and we made the down payment.

After we paid for the wedding, her parents gave them some money and they bought all new furniture.  Now with my son's job in jeopardy, they have no money!  They just laid off four people in his office and he does not know if he will be next or not. 

Maybe he will be, maybe not, either way he'l have to deal with it.

My son says he supports her and is proud of the work she does. 

Let them sort our the dynamics of their marriage and the consequences of their choices on their own.

HELP

Help yourself not to be involved in their marriage, you might be caught in the crossfire if you interfere




CP


luise.volta

P.S. When my grandsons started to repeat the whole pattern, I watched my son's painful experience of letting go. Lots of drama, yes, but they made it! And now my grandson has a daughter in college. Here we go again!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Cranky Pants

Forgot to mention that volunteer work can lead to a permanent job offer, so if your DIL is volunteering all over the US, there is the possibility that she might get a job far away and your son would give up his job.

You might not see your son very often, so when he says "I support her", I think it's wise to say "It's good for a husband to support his wife" even if you have to grit your teeth to get the words out.

Good luck,
CP

FAFE

I believe I would close the bank of Mom (and Dad, if applicable).  Let them figure all this out.  One of my AC will call and hint about how hard they're having it (and I know their life style) and I just say call me back when y'all both work full time, have 2 more children and going 90 different ways every day.  Or, I ask if their work place does not have a credit union.  I once got picked for a job because I had been involved with Boy Scouts!  Hope you can be happy for yourself and not worry so much about them, they will either get with the program on their own or hit bottom and then start the climb back up. 

Pooh

Welcome and I ditto everything everyone else said.  I would shut off the monetary support and let DS deal with his marriage.   It's truly between him and her.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

freespirit

Of course, paying  for the wedding is no minor thing. I know,... we made the same mistake. ...And were  not happy  how the marriage  went....which ended in a divorce.

You sort of feel like you invested in this marriage,...and you are watching it go down-hill, right?  What a bummer...I felt that way too. We even gave them the down payment for their apartment,...which she ended  up getting half of after they split. 

All I can say is; I've learned  from that mistake. After that our son didn't get another penny  from  us. It  caused some  heartbrakes all around, but it was the best thing we did. For he now finally stands on his own two feet,... and he's  proud too.

So I suggest, take this as a life's lesson. The worst mistake is repeating a mistake. Let your son   go through a miserable marriage, whatever. Let him fall on his face...whatever.  In the midst of it all, you will always be his Mom, and that will never change. He'll value you the most when you truly let him go.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

justme2c

 :-X  Thank you for the responses.  Everyone had it right, yes I feel invested in the marriage because we spent so much money on trying to make everything perfect for them.  I feel taken by the young lady and am determined not to cause my son any grief on my part.  I will do my best to not let either one of them know how I feel.  Thank you all.

luise.volta

Good for you. Sounds like you feel complete here, so I will close the topic. We hope you decide to stay  :-)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama