Author Topic: How do I let GO?  (Read 1427 times)

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Offline ridiculous2

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How do I let GO?
« on: March 11, 2014, 10:16:58 PM »
In the last few months, I went to a few counseling sessions with my DS's, 27, 23....separately. I asked them to attend counseling with me and I expressed I wanted a healthy relationship with them, so they could have better relationships, and for us to be closer, since the last 5 years they have been rude and despicable. My YS became a Navy Seal right out of high school and my OS is living with my parents. I had full custody of my YS since he was 11. My OS and I have butt heads for years, and has a serious compulsive lying problem.

I attended counseling with my OS first. He said in one session they were spoiled brats, and I was a good mom, that my mother and himself talk about what a bad mother I am; then two months later, my YS, in a separate session, says he is/was introverted because of me, and, had I been a stable person he would have known how to better socialize. (There is too much here to honestly give a clear picture of what has transpired in his life, our lives, after I divorced his dad, but just a few things to interject, ...my ex husband married a woman with two older boys who molested my youngest son; we were in three major court battles; he was terrible to me and told the boys all of the time how I ruined the family and wanted to control everything; most of the battles were over him wanting money, yet the SM was the one who took care of them when the father was out of town. The older SB's stole things from stores, watched porno with my sons and ran free most of the time.

For the past 7 years, both sons hated their father and talked and treated him like manure. I guess it is my turn. They have started camping now with their dad on weekends. In the counseling session, my YS's goal with me is to SAVE my DD from being an introvert like him, because of all of my "relationships" and moving. I have been single for 9 years. I am a single mom and it has been really hard to survive on a teacher's salary with 3 kids full time. I have never used drugs, no addictions, except maybe shoes.

He wants to now be my daughter's (his half sister, she's 9 years younger ) role model....who he sees maybe once a year now.

He had a long list of my wrongs....(I had male friends), he said I had too many boyfriends (I've had 5 major relationships in my life in 49 years and guy friends..... )

He said it is awkward at all family gatherings because of me....that I bring awkward to the table, meanwhile DIL's mom runs into me frequently, at stores (we live in the same area) and calls my DIL a butch, and when alone my DIL calls her mom a butch, and then when we get together I am awkward because I am nervous, plus my DS's treat me like garbage when the whole family gets together...

My mother is a narcissist and has consistently refused to involve me in decisions over the years of giving them cars, paying car insurance, and money for anything they wanted without asking me. My DS's became disrespectful when I tried to discipline them or have them help in house chores. I have no relationship with my mother any longer, since on my daughter's last birthday she planned a birthday dinner without asking me, decorated my house (she had a key to the house) with birthday decorations, and brought a cake, WITHOUT even asking me.

I worked and worked, took every side job.....my YS has told his in laws about "ALL" my boyfriends and moving and word got back to me from my DIL that I am "trash."

My heart is broken and I have unfortunately lived to work and take care of my children. I have distanced myself with my son's now and my parents. I just can't take being blamed for everything any longer.

If anyone can give me feedback, I would so appreciate it.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: How do I let GO?
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2014, 06:38:07 AM »
Welcome - We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and to read the four posts there for you under Read Me First. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

Your struggle is one that many of us have had. We've experienced hindsight in adult children; finding scapegoats and blaming...rewriting the past. That was 'the' and the perceptions may never coincide with ours. This is 'now.' My take is that we can't change our adult children. We did out best, we are human and it is done. They are now adults and get to make their own choices. They will learn from the consequences or not. For me, as for many here, it has been about extricating myself from their lives and building one of my own. I was a whole person before I had children and I am opting for wholeness again...not entanglements. My expectations were reasonable, I'm sure, but/and it's not their job to fulfill them. Neither is it my job to accept abuse.

You will get many different views here, I'm sure. That's just where I'm coming from...it's called healing and moving on. Hugs...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: How do I let GO?
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2014, 06:44:49 AM »
Welcome ridiculous2.

You have a lot going on here.  You have an interfering Mother who sounds like she is sabotaging everything you have tried to do.  You have a YS that has suffered a traumatic childhood event and needs someone to blame.  You have a OS that sounds like he is basically just self-centered.  You have a DIL and her Mother that seem to have their own issues but vent to you.  And you have an Ex that you have dealt with both emotionally and in court over the years.  That's a ton of stress on anyone.

I applaud you for trying counseling with your Sons to try and help.  This is just my opinion.  I have learned over the years that I have to distance myself from negative people and all of their self inflicted drama.  So I would be staying away from DIL and her Mother, your Mother, your OS and your Ex.  They all need to work through their own issues and I would remove myself as their target.

YS, I feel more for as he did experience a traumatic event in his childhood.  I would be supportive of him and encourage him to seek out counseling for himself, without you.  He needs to deal with his experience before he can ever deal with anything else.  As far as your relationships and his feelings about them, I'm afraid again there is nothing you can do about it.  Boys seem to have a hard time dealing with their Mother's dating, no matter what the situation.  If you truly did move around a bunch, children have a hard time with that as well.  They want stability and consistency.  With your nasty divorce and what occurred afterwards through the courts, plus boyfriends, plus moving, I can really see where it was hard on them.  I'm not saying you did anything wrong.  You did what you had to do and what you thought best.  I am just saying I can see where YS and OS may hold some hostility and bad feelings about everything.

I would concentrate on YS and let him know you will be there for him but that you would like to see him heal.  The rest can go play not nice with each other.  Remove yourself from their games.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline ridiculous2

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Re: How do I let GO?
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2014, 07:58:03 AM »
Thank you!

When my YS went through the molestation, I had him in counseling, and that continued for years after. The counselor I had found was amazing and empowered him, which helped him heal. His father denied all of it and in court. He made it out as if I just wanted the kids full time and more money.

Just wanted you to know I did everything I could to help him.

And in regard to moving, I ended up moving about every 2 years....mainly because of salary cuts or landlord needed to sell.

Offline Kate

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Re: How do I let GO?
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2014, 03:29:14 AM »
R, welcome,  I hope you find some comfort here. I know how hurtful it is when you done your absolute best and been rejected.  The only advice I can offer is to take care of yourself and allow yourself to love those who do truly love you. It is all too easy to withdraw into yourself to avoid more pain.   You can't  control how others see things, but you can control its impact on you to some extent.

Try to to work on living the best life you can. Take up a hobby. I can recommend digital photography as an accessible and absorbing pursuit.  The fuller your life is, the less room there is for pain. I can't say that it goes away entirely,  but it does become much more bearable as time goes by.