July 22, 2019, 09:59:43 am


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Very Big Mess

Started by Changemyheart, February 22, 2014, 01:19:29 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


Where to begin??  My current situation is so influenced by my past and all that has transpired that I struggle with how to begin. However, let me start with the NOW and if need be go back.
Both my sons married last year. My eldest, unfortunately got a girl in a foreign country pregnant at the end of 2012, and then left, not knowing what to do, as she was a "fling". I made contact with the mother, who was very pleased to have someone from my sons side of the family show an interest. He then early in 2013 met another girl and she too fell pregnant. He married her, had her baby and all was well.
Prior to him meeting my now DIL, I had started a registerd business with both of my sons. We invested a fair amount of money into the training and equipping my eldest with the knowledge he needed to run the business, and we all mutually agreed that he would be the CEO of the Company. He worked hard and loved it, however as a start up business he was not being paid a salary, but he had accommodation and the basic necessities of life provided by his father, my (EX-husband). In our business plan it was envisaged that after 6 months the business would begin seeing a return at which point he would  being earning.
Once married, they moved into my DIL's mothers flat on her property, which was good in that her father had recently passed away. I myself live 2000km away. So have over the past two years flown backward and forwards many times for both business and personal (Wedding + Baby Born) reasons.
All was seemingly fine. I had regular contact with my son, although only a little interaction with my DIL re my grandchild.
Four months ago, my son and DIL made an independant decision to open another business of their own, the same as HER mothers. My DIL had inherited a small amount of money enough to equip and start this business. This was not discussed with "us" my sons business partners. When I found out that this had happened and saw that our family business was being neglected I obviously had a "wally".  Their reasoning is that this new business makes money NOW. I cant and don't argue with that!  I need to explain here that the business they have set up is a fast food take away and as such needs little real 8 hours a day supervision by the owners. They have employed a very competent young lady who is able to do that. 
At our first confrontation, I was told by both of them that my son was only going to set the business up for her and then she would run it and he would be back at "our" business. A business that cannot be left unsupervised. This has not happened.
It turns out that my DIL has hidden resentments towards me for my interaction with my "other" grandchild. I accidentally left a photo of her on my screensaver which she saw, and sent an email to my son regarding my other grandchild saying he needs to acknowledge her, which she saw.
My son, whom i love dearly is torn between my DIL demanding that he gives their shop his attention, according to him she has major tantrums!! and returning to a work he loves and building our business. The tensions between my DIL and I is at breaking point. I have gone so far as to buying her flowers, asking her to forgive me if I have offended her in any way, offered to do the time consuming activities like buying potatoes, or standing at the till if needed, to give my son the freedom to focus on the "other" business. No!No! No!
She wants no one else in their business but my son and her.  She said she would try at "our" relationship if I did. So I did..... she dropped my grandchild with me for a morning and it was just wonderful to spend that little bit of time with her. But then it all went dead. Im unwilling to run after her, or to be dictated to by her, in my opinion, very selfish and controlling way.
I brought a business advisor in to try and help us work out a plan. One of his requirements is that my son makes a decision as to whether he is going to run our business or not. It is unfortunatley of such a nature that it NEEDs his knowledge ( we paid for ) and his focus in order to get anywhere.  Ok now Im all typed out.
Any suggestions?? There is obviously lots lots more, but like i said , Im all typed out.


QuoteI brought a business advisor in to try and help us work out a plan. One of his requirements is that my son makes a decision as to whether he is going to run our business or not.

To me, this seems to be the pivotal decision.  And, I would give him a deadline.  Then, meet with your business advisor and (if your son opts out of the family business) make some tough decisions.  We are in business with our sons so I am very aware of the problems; however, a business has its own identity and should be treated as such.  In other words, it is a "thing" and can be sold.


All of us have had to give up on what we had envisioned and accept what is.  It is a bitter pill and a sad time.  For you the vision had added financial ramifications which will make it harder to deal with.  I never had any luck trying to get my DS to do anything for me once he found his now spouse.  If he promised anything he did not follow through and relying on him left me in the lurch more than once.  I finally cut all financial ties to him and quit calling him.  It hurt but it was the only way for me to keep my sanity.  Eventually he did wander back and we have an ok relationship.  It will never be what it was or maybe it never was what I thought it was.  Who knows?

I am so sorry that you have to go through this!  Seems like with all we have done for them our children would be more appreciative.  Mine wasn't.  Maybe your younger son will do better than your older one.   
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown


Welcome to the site, CMH.

If you haven't already done so, please take a minute to read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure this monitored site is a good fit for you. Your post is fine, BTW. This is our standard welcome :)

You will find a lot of wisdom here, as you've already found I'm sure. I hope things get settled soon so you can continue building your business.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


My take is that if your son is unable to do both, you wil probably have to find someone else or see your business fail. He has chosen his spouse and she appears to be calling all the shots. Although that affects you radically, you can't change it. It's all about them.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Yikes! Sure looks like there are a lot of knots here. And the one tying them is the DIL. 

Why would she be angry about you being in contact with your other grandchild?  Perhaps it was a mistake to feel guilty about that, which allowed her to lick the taste of power.  Once she could see she can be in control; then there was no stopping her.

You have every right to see and love all your grandchildren.  No DIL has a right to forbid that.  But since the taking over of the other business, seems to coincide with her discovering your contact with the grandchild. Could it be she sought revenge?

I think if at all possible you should sell, your business. Be free of any financial burdens, and let them do what they want.  Of course you should speak to your son about this first. Do you have any pay back program with him? If not, then if the other business is going so well,  he should pay you back at set dates. If he can't; I would suggest;  sell the business,...but tell him of your intentions.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne


I agree that it's time for him to make a decision about the business.  He had obligations to you as a business partner that he is not upholding.  If this wasn't your Son, what would you do?  If this wasn't a family member would you be putting up with this?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell