July 21, 2019, 08:52:38 am


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Older, Wiser, and still here...

Started by themuffin, January 15, 2014, 08:09:27 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


I found myself thinking about this site because I may be on the verge of losing my relationship with another son.  I came here a few years ago when I lost my relationship with with my oldest DS which was destroyed by FDIL.  Well, she tried all she could to destroy me.  Even tried to have the dog killed.  Yep, called animal control and said he bit her.  Fudge is a cocker spaniel and hates her and probably would have bitten her if he could have but he didn't.  She just did it to try to hurt me.  Luckily nothing came of it as the officer saw it for what it was. 

Anyhoo...believe it or not the relationship with that DS repaired itself.  The granddaughter I thought I would never see, I see almost every weekend. And she adores me just as much as I adore her.

My issue is now with the FDIL that I once adored.  I opened my home to her three times. Each time is worst.  She is the mother of two of my precious granddaughters.  One biological, one loved just the same as the other.  She and my son are no longer "together".  He treated her two shades of awful and now wonders why she hates him.  I know why.  So she lives here instead of her only other option (a shelter) and it's so obvious she doesn't want to be here.  She does many things that annoy me or simply shows that she has no respect for my home, buy mostly I hold it in and deal with it.  If it gets really bad I ask DS to talk to her.  I found out that she doesn't understand why I don't tell her myself.  Silly me thought it may be easier coming from him as I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. 

Truth is she is destroying my home. She doesn't contribute one red cent.  She allows the babies to do as they please.  I'm watching my once beautiful home became a dump.  I made a room in my home into a lovely nursery.  I'll clean it, she'll let them mess it up. They are only one and two and half years old.  Hardly old enough to clean up after themselves.  She cleans nothing.  My rule was that we all clean up after ourselves and all should be well.  Well, she doesn't do anything.  The lovely guest room I gave to her and my son is destroyed. It is a mess!!!  I hate the site of it.  He blames her she blames him.  My water bill has gone from $400 to $600.  My electric bill is over the moon.  She doesn't work.  She'll leave my home a mess and go hang out with friends.  And this is a mess SHE made. I hate to say this but I'M SICK OF HER AND WANT HER OUT!!!!

I love the babies, they have no where else to go.  How can any grandma send her darling grands to a shelter?  I don't know what to do.  She is using us and it's so obvious. The first time she moved out was on my 25th wedding anniversary without any warning. Totally ruined the day.  She treated me as if I never did anything for her.  She has no respect for my home or me.  She'll walk into our home and not even speak. Same when she leaves.  She rarely locks my front doors and we live in New York, not paradise. We've asked her to lock them repeatedly.

Long story short...we have had it.  Asking her to leave will most likely end our relationship.  Son will resent it as well.  I'm torn.  What do I do?  I did talk to her myself and I hope this resolves it, but I've spoken to her before and it didn't last long.

Do I send my babies to a shelter, or do I put her with her?


P.S.  I think the reason me and oldest DS (the reason I found this site) made peace is because I didn't push it.  I just left it alone and he found his way home.  I don't think that always works, but I did find that the harder I pushed the more he pushed away.  When I let go he found his way back to me.  We aren't close, but we are close enough. I have a relationship with a granddaughter I thought I'd never see.  Keep hope alive, everyone.  God is good!

Hugs Wise Women!!!

  Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

Cranky Pants

themuffin, what a dilemma....I don't have any wisdom to offer, but will keep you in my prayers that you find a way to resolve this.



Such a tough situation for you to be in muffin.  You want to protect the GC, that's understandable.  I guess I would have to ask myself was I willing to do this for the next 15-16 years?  Until the GC get to be 18?  She's not taking any responsibility as an adult or a parent.  I would honestly say I would sit her down and talk to her.  I would explain that my helping came with some boundaries and some expectations from her.  I wouldn't go through DS, but do it myself as things get reworded and changed the more people they go through and if you've decided to take this own, frankly, it's not DS's issue to resolve any longer.

She has choices to make.  If she can't abide by the rules then she needs to find somewhere else to live.  Destroying my home is not an option when I'm helping someone that is not helping themselves. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


What a hard place to be in. I would just tell her I can no longer afford this arrangement. And you will still be there as a grandmother if she needs someone for the kids while she works etc. but that is the only way you can help.
At first she will probably be mad and use the girls to hurt you. But I would think in time she will come calling. She can't make it without help. That is why I wouldn't use any personal reasons like them being messy etc  That way it is all about what you can't control.
I know it's hard!! I've been there myself. But I had to finally step back and after awhile they are better for it. At first mine used guilt,then anger, and it went on awhile. Then when they finally accepted that I wasn't changing my mind or bailing them out of their troubles, they grew up.
All I was doing was enabling them. It crippled them. They had to learn they didn't need me. They are the parents.

Sending Hugs & Hope.


Oh Muffin, so sad to hear that the kids and u are being held hostage to these grown peoples' lack of responsibility and work ethic!

Remember this:  You will not be the one to put them in a shelter.  Sounds to me they're using u up on your kindness w/ zero growth of their own. 

If they end up in the shelter they can look in the mirror on who deserves blame.  DS and DIL!

I find that if u let them figure it out on their own, they will.  You may have only prolonged the inevitable.

Time for them to grow up and face their own responsibilities?  Please have help there with u when they go and have all locks changed before you tell them to remain safe. It could end in a fight with property damage or worse.

I am so sorry to be blunt but I have seen the parasitic adult children issue first hand with my parents and inlaws for multi generations.  All the "help" provided to these people only ended up supporting their affliction w/ the Peter Pan syndrome of, " I will never grow up!  Your sacrifices and help may have only enabled them to do, not so much.

If they do not respect u nor your home even now, imagine what they are capable of when u get them out and on their own. With responsible and respectful people I trust, a notice would be fair but I worry they could leave a bigger mess if they leave in the middle of the nite and u are not carefully protecting yourself and your home..... 

I would help her pack up and drive her to the shelter, kids in tow.  When she finds she doesn't want or have the skills to raise the kids, social svcs may be calling u to foster or your DS may get custody. 

Be careful on what you decide as far as custody.  It may be likely that they find an even better home than u can provide. She may actually get counseling and job education and other govt assistance to get her life together.  She sounds like she lacks skills in mothering too.  What happens if these GDs get married too young to the wrong  guy and end up w/ more kids for u to support? 

My FIL raised his kids, his daughter's kids and a great GD.  His 2 children died early due to bad life choices that ruined their health only in their mid 50s.  They remained under his support until they died and FIL even paid the funeral...He is now in his failing years and they have disappeared.....I bet they're back to read the will?!

I do not know how old u are or what other family obligations to them u already have or will have in the near future.  I am working w/ elderly parents, medical issues and coordination and all the legal stuff.  I do not know how I could do it for these folks who cannot do for themselves and have children at home to care for.  Who knows?  Please take care of yourself and your future first?  If u get sick or have financial trouble, who will be your care giver? 

Please take your own future and health into consideration before u decide to take them as you own.  These days, it is taking a lot of these kids almost 30 years to fly solo....and some never do.  I dunno about you but being mommy from womb to tomb is NOT what I signed up for.



Don't fall into the trap of thinking if you give her an ultimatum and she continues her behavior you have put the GC in a shelter.  It's mom's decisions and actions.  Where is your DS in all this?  Is he living with you, too?  If she doesn't have anywhere else to go, wouldn't the GC be able to live with him if mom needs to go to a shelter?  There's no absolute right or wrong choice for you to make.  You do what feels best to you and don't accept any guilt that doesn't belong to you.  Good luck.


I agree. You are not the one putting them in a shelter. Make sure she understands that it is her decision to either abide by the boundaries you set for your home or to find shelter elsewhere. You might have to repeat yourself several times. "Nevertheless, you either respect my boundaries or find other accommodations, your decision." 
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I haven't read all other replies, so  forgive me if somene else has suggested this. Are you able to babysit the children? I would suggest she find a job, within such and such a time. You offer to care for the children,  from which she needs to  pay you enough money from her salary for you to get help; either a cleaning lady or an aupair girl. This way you  might just give her enough  of a  push  to get independent, by finding a job.  Sending her to a shelter isn't solving anything. The mother needs to find work and  be able to provide for herself and family.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne


I'm so sorry, this sounds like a mess.  I was just wondering why if she didn't live with you, her only other option is a shelter?  These are your son's children.  You have done all you can and he needs to step up and perhaps they need to go to family court about child custody, support, all those things.  I'm sorry if your son abused her, but she can't live it up high on the hog in your house.  I think you need to put this back onto your son and ask him what he plans to do about his children's housing because if she is taking advantage of you, so is he.  I also think if she has family that can help out, she can go back to them.  I'm not aware of all your options, I know you are scared to lose access to your GC because it sounds like you feel they won't be taken care of otherwise but both parents need to figure it out and quit taking advantage.  Perhaps if you talk to your son, instead of telling him everything dil is doing wrong, you could ask him what kind of life he plans to provide for his children and push him in that direction.    Good luck.