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spin off: About the phone calls/cutting from the herd

Started by Postscript, May 24, 2010, 03:30:13 pm

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I was reading with some interest about dils calling sons etc.

Some years ago the day prior to my scheduled c/section to have my dd in point of fact, I had the day planned.  It was our last day as a family of 3, the last time my ds would be an only child.  I wanted to make it special.  I also had some chores that I had left to the last minute knowing I would be in hospital for a week or so.  My dh knew this, everyone in both families knew that I was having a scheduled c/section and when.

My Mil chose that day to have dh help her buy a new car.

Now my dh should have told her that he couldn't do it that day, nor could he do it for the next two weeks or so because I would be unable to drive, unable to lift anything heavier than my baby and our son would need him.  My dh can be an idiot.  Instead he agreed to go and help them that morning, telling me it would be a couple of hours.

I eagerly awaited his return, getting some small chores out of the way and spending time with our ds.  By 1130, I was getting a little annoyed.  I called him on our mobile, he said he wouldn't be much longer they just had one more car yard to check out.  Two pm rolls around.  I call again.  In the background I hear Mil cackling and teasing him about being in trouble!  Darn right he was in trouble, most of the day is gone and our plans are going down the gurgler!  I was rightfully cross.

4pm I went and got the groceries with ds, I carried two weeks of groceries to the car, I put them in the trunk and then I unloaded and brought them into the house and put them away.  I got dinner on and dh walks in sheepishly!  I decided I was over it, I told him he missed out, ds missed out and he better have found a car for his mother to make at least something of the day worthwhile and I wasn't going to spend the little that remained of our last day as a 1 child family being upset.  We had a pleasant evening.

The next day I had my dd.  That evening mil and fil came to the hospital.  In front of my family and friends, she handed me a $20 pre paid phone card, to "make up for keeping dh car hunting" and "to get him out of trouble with me".

1. It's not up to her to get her ds out of trouble with me, I am his wife.
2. I can't be purchased for $20, heck that day was priceless to me and no amount of money could make up for it!
3. Up until that point, I'd had the blame on dh for being an idiot who couldn't say no to his mother even though we'd had long standing plans for that day.  I hadn't blamed her at all.
4. After that little display, I knew she knew why I wanted him home and didn't give a toss.

When your dils are ringing your ds's.  You don't know what your ds's have promised your dils about how long they will be, other plans for the day etc.  You don't know, what you don't know.  So don't automatically assume it's dil being controlling, perhaps assume your ds is being an idiot too.


Postscript,that was awful of your MIL.That was a slap in the face.Your husband should of said some thing to his mother.The day before you are going to have a baby,is not a good time to even think of asking him to go car shopping.Does your husband even see this as being a problem?

I'm sorry,but that was very inconsiderate of your IL's


Wouldn't your MIL have known about the c-section plans beforehand? So she planned the car thing on purpose? Unbelievably self-centered and clueless.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


May 24, 2010, 10:40:36 pm #3 Last Edit: May 24, 2010, 10:50:52 pm by Postscript
Yes, Mil knew about the c/section plan, we'd picked the date 2 weeks prior and the entire family was aware.

The point is, it was my dh who said he would do it.  I agree she shouldn't have wanted him to do it, but you know what, he should have said no.  Instead he went telling me it would be a couple of hours, I called and he extended it (he was in their car with them so leaving at that point wasn't really an option without telling them to bring him home) I was annoyed about the teasing which took the form of ooooh son yr in trouble nooooow ohhhhhhh! Completely juvenile.  The $20 phone card was just the cherry on top that told me it was intended to get up my nose.

The point I was trying to make when telling the story, is that some ds's might be as clueless and idiotic as mine was then.  They won't say no we have plans or anything, then end up fielding irate phone calls because they've fibbed to both parties and while it not be the day before dils scheduled c/section, she may have planned something special to her that you weren't aware of because your ds may have not told you.

No is the hardest thing for humans to say, perhaps with the exception of toddlers.  We don't want to let people down, over commit ourselves and someone gets hurt.  It's funny because toddlers quite happily use the word, we teach them not to.  Perhaps we should do less of that?

Oh and dh, well he knew I was very unhappy and why, especially as he'd promised to help me out with all the groceries.  Thing was I could have punished him for it by being upset all night and have him try to make it up to me, but the day was gone and I wasn't going to bring a new baby into the world angry.  I did everything I could to put it out of my mind that night so we could be a happy family, the next morning dh and ds came to the hospital with me very early, dh took ds to school after I was settled in a room and then dh and I spent the wait playing cards and talking.  My sister picked ds up after school because dd wasn't born till 2:30pm.  Once I was back in my room and presentable, dh went and picked him up about 4pm and we got a couple of hours for ds to meet his new sister and to be together before the visitors descended upon us.  So it worked out in the end :)

And when Mil made her little announcement, I just said dh is not in trouble with me and looked her in the eye, then I gave the card to dh and said, here you have it, I don't need it, yr the one who missed out.


Hey, we MILs here at WWU look pretty good after reading these horror stories  ;D  I wish I could pass them along to DIL so she could see how lucky she is!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


PS, I totally agree with you about something important coming up, an emergency or in your example, a DS that may have promised her something for that day as well.  I would be very upset with my DS if he made plans with both of us and then went with me.  I would let him know that he was being very disrespectful to his wife and then tell him to get his butt back home.

I will even say it wouldn't bother me at all if DIL just wants to call and check in on DS to make sure everyone was safe and Ok.  Or multiple calls if it had been an overnight thing or something.  My problem was with a FDIL calling every 10 minutes to just say, "What are you doing now?"  or "So, you think you are about done?"  Very trivial things that had no bearing on anything.  And this could be just a 2 hour trip over the mountain to lunch and back.  It was an obvious blatant attempt to intrude on anyone else's time with the DS.  And it wasn't just me.  She would do it if he was out with his friends, his grandpa, his dad, etc.  And I have to say, it worked.  It got where no one wanted to take him anywhere because of the constant calls.  And I did blame him too.  I told him that he needed to put a stop to it.  He needed to sit down and have a talk with her and let her know that he didn't appreciate it and then make a plan to call her when he got back or a certain time to check in if he wanted to.  I have always said my DS is just as guilty as my DIL on anything like this, because he goes along with it.

I will tell you as a Mother and MIL, I would never do anything like you experienced to my DIL or DS.  I can not even imagine asking my DS to do anything for me or with me during the time of a expected birth.  I think you handled the entire situation with grace and style and I have the upmost respect for you for being able to do it the way you did.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I also should have added that I wouldn't put it past my DS to be telling us that he hated her calling all the time and then telling her that he thought it was sweet.  It seems his stance with us and her has been to keep peace on both sides to avoid confrontation with anyone.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


I can see this point of view clearly, however, there are times when women call they're husbands all throughout the day un-neccessarily as well, so it works both ways...

I had a boss whose wife called him (and I'm not making up stories) at least 20 times a day....and it got to the point, he left his cell phone in his office when he went to a meeting, and it also got to the point, that I wouldn't answer the phone if I saw her number pop up and the joke was, she'd call his cell, and if he didn't answer, she'd call the landline in his office and if no one picked up she'd call  his cell again, and it went on and on...NO LIE!  She'd call his office the moment he left the house, and keep me on the phone, as I answered his phone if he was on another line or in a meeting...she was insane...and she'd call him during huge meetings with his bosses...she didn't care...?????  How does a woman get like that?

Now, regarding the C-section, I think that should be a lesson to everyone who has a son, or is married...men have to learn to say no at the the appropriate times, and we mothers, have to understand, something as important as this situation...which I believe everyone here would definately understand, and to boot, for her to be making jokes in the car about getting him in trouble...seems to me, that, THAT was her whole purpose?  She wanted the attention and to heck with your plans, the day before the C-section...did she know you had a family day planned?  Because if she didn't your husband should have told her, "Geeze, mom, I'm sorry, we have to make it for another time, b/c wife, has planned a family day, and for the next month, she is going to need me to help her with the children..."  So, we'll have to plan this in a month or two....and I believe if he'd have done that, she'd have taken you more serious....and been reminded of your needs...yanno?  Perhaps I'm wrong, some people never get it...however, yes, your right, son's need to learn to say no to mama...when they're wives need them....

That's simply how I feel...and mom's need to learn to let go and stop depending on they're son's for they're whole purpose and happiness as well....when a son takes a wife, he definately needs to put his wife and family first....letting go, sometimes is very difficult, and I've by the way, read some horror stories where the mom calls the son all the time, and at all hours of the morning and/or night...that is so wrong...

so, yes, the phone calls can be very seriously important, however, there is the old saying, "if you cry wolf to often, sooner or later, someone's not going to believe you..."  so there is a lesson learned to both sides of this....