Author Topic: Question about DILs and Grandkids  (Read 4489 times)

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Offline JustPuzzled

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Question about DILs and Grandkids
« on: December 18, 2013, 07:24:18 PM »
I am not a grandmother yet, but several of my friends have had grandkids over the past year and have run into an interesting issue and I was wondering if you ladies had run into this or heard of it. My friends that have become grandmothers-they have had them via their DS and DIL. These grans already have another set of grandkids and the attitudes of their DILs have been unanimous in that since these ladies already have grandkids, the DILS feel their moms should be the main grandma or the ones who have the majority of the interaction with the new little one. This attitude is especially prevalent if the grandma already has grandchildren through their daughter. Has anyone ever heard of this? I know that paternal grans supposedly get the bad end of the deal compared to maternal grandmothers, but I had never considered this.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2013, 07:27:20 PM »
I don't understand the question...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline JustPuzzled

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2013, 07:36:36 PM »
What I was asking was have any of the ladies here  experienced or their friends experienced being a grandmother and having DIL have the attitude they should back off and let HER mother be the "main" grandma because she ALREADY has grandkids.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2013, 07:50:32 PM »
Thanks. That's not something I recall reading but someone else may. It seems to me there is usually no 'because.'
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2013, 05:49:16 AM »
Yes...  It's always been understood that DILs mom was the "Main" or "Important" grandmother.. and I DON'T have other grandkids as I have 2 boys.. no girls... and only one son is married and has kids.   I don't think it matters to DILs if their DHs mom has other grandkids or not.  The DILs mom is the main grandma and has been at least in my situation quite blatantly apparent.  I have never been allowed to babysit or keep the kids over night.  I have never been allowed to take the kids on outings.   I'm just not trusted... somehow.. cuz I'm not the maternal grandma and I have no idea how to take care of young kids. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #5 on: December 19, 2013, 01:13:04 PM »
I haven't expressly read or seen where a DIL vocalized that, but I think from stories here, many times it ends up that way.  Although now that I'm thinking about our threads, I don't remember anyone thinking it was because they already have grandkids.  (Except for what Lilly just posted).
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2013, 01:30:31 PM »
Well I guess I went against the norm because I always asked my ILs to come for Christmas because they did not have any other GCs, but I invited my Mom and Dad for Thanksgiving.  That gave the paternal GPs the favorite holiday but my parents had so many grands around for Christmas that they did not mind.

I find that if you spend too much time analyzing how much time the other set of Grands gets all you get is angry so I try really hard to not go there.  I did not get to spend very much time with either of my sets of GP and I still loved them all dearly.  Quality does count so just make the very best of the time you get to spend with them! 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Pen

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2013, 07:44:51 AM »
I too will have no other GC other than the (potential) children of DS & DIL. There are GC on DIL's side, none on ours. We've already been informed that if and when GC arrive via DS & DIL that DIL's Ps will be the only GPs. We'll be lucky to see our GC at all. I've started working on this so as not to be hurt too much when/if it happens. DS has said he won't allow us to be cut off, but I've been here long enough to know that what DSs want doesn't always happen.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline DixieDarling

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2013, 10:35:25 AM »
This is exactly what our youngest son and his wife have said to me. "Mom, because my wife is an only child and her father has passed our child will be her moms only grandchild. You have others."
I was actually pretty shocked at someone thinking like that. But she also thinks she is with and deals with her side and our son deals with us. It's just the weirdest thing yo me. I think my adorable grandchildren deserve all the love they can get from all family members. This DIL is so different than my other two and why I found this site to begin with.
Above everything tho this young woman makes our son very happy and the love he has for her is so clear a blind man could see it. That matters so much to me! So I will swallow my tears if need be and talk to the sweet women here. Hopefully it will work out. But I'm not expecting the close relationship I have with the others and YES that bothers me. But it is what it is.

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2013, 09:20:29 PM »
Just popping in to say hello .

It helps me to keep in touch with you guys knowing I'm not alone in the ongoing ins
And outs of life with an exasperating DIL .
MY GD is nearly four and what a rollercoaster the last four years have been .
And yes my DIL is still yanking my chain. Why do I let her ? In order to see my one and
only GC. If not for her I wouldn't be bothered if I never saw my DIL again . I would certainly miss
my DS , but over the years he has let this disrespect of his parents go on , so
feelings get hurt continuously .
There is no solution to my problem . I could end it tomorrow with dire consequences . So I continue on
and try to shield my heart unsuccessfully for the love of my GD .

Love to all my fellow ww , best wishes for 2014.
Good health to you Luise
....sending love .
LL

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2013, 10:19:46 PM »
Ah, the English lady of the clotted cream scones. Beloved LL. You are very clear in your choice and in what it is costing you. Thank you for checking in and letting us know. You are very dear to my heart. Sending love back to you!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline lancaster lady

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2013, 02:52:58 AM »
Dear Luise ,
You'll never know how much I appreciate your kind words .
Just the tonic I needed . Thankyou . :-*

Offline DixieDarling

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #12 on: December 29, 2013, 11:05:23 AM »
LL, Nice to meet you. I do understand allowing yourself to be used or hurt for the sake of a GC. A dear friend of mine has been going thru this for about 4 years now also.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #13 on: December 30, 2013, 05:42:08 AM »
Hiya LL.  I am a big advocate of you have to do what works best for you.  There is never a one-stop solution for anyone.  You go with what makes you happy, even if that means putting up with people.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: Question about DILs and Grandkids
« Reply #14 on: December 30, 2013, 11:13:37 AM »
LL, so nice to hear from you again! I think of you often. I'm glad you are dealing with a less than optimal situation in a way that keeps you in your GD's life. She is very lucky to have such a loving GM! DS/DIL do not define you; they're simply means to an end.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb