Author Topic: The MIL/DIL Dance.  (Read 1198 times)

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Offline miamigirl

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The MIL/DIL Dance.
« on: December 13, 2013, 03:55:17 AM »
So I was thinking about the late 90's when I was a teen my friends and I would go to these house parties and have a ball. The boys and girls would dance to whatever song was popular at the time and as soon as the song hit a different beat (someone would yell SWWWITCH!) then we'd all switch partners. It was so fun, the good old days.  :-\

It got to thinking about how this would be a great analogy for MIL/DIL relationsips. When a woman has a baby, she goes through so much. The nine months it takes to create them,  labor & delivery are but just the beginning! The baby years, toddler years, teen years all involve so much! So much time, energy patience, money, laughter, tears, joy, pain, work, memories, love, love, and more love.... In deed, the mom takes the lead role in that dance. THEN the child grows up, meets a mate, and decides to get married... Time to change partners (SWWWITCH!)

Question is, who takes the lead in this dance???? IMHO, the MIL should take the lead. She's older, wiser, and more experienced at life.  The second question is HOW does she lead????? There are many different ways to be a leader, and how she chooses to lead can greatly impact the relationship she has with her DS, DIL, and GC.

I'd like to ask the Mils to give your opinions to how a MIL should lead and describe how you have lead in this dance.



SIDE NOTE:
I was formerly "Miamilady", but I couldn't remember my password. I tried to retrieve it, but I couldn't remember my email password eiether. So I had to register again under "miamigirl". hope thats okay.

Offline JustPuzzled

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Re: The MIL/DIL Dance.
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2013, 04:18:21 AM »
Hmm. Interesting. I am an MIL. My question is, why should there be leader? The DIL is not a child, she is an adult. Two adult women-there should not be a leader, but an equal partnership!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: The MIL/DIL Dance.
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2013, 04:49:08 AM »
Welcome back. It's fine that you are miamigirl. Whatever works.

My take is that this isn't primarily a discussion board. WWU is more experiential than intellectual. Less generalizing and more empathizing . Each of us is unique, as are our circumstances.
« Last Edit: December 13, 2013, 05:17:18 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline miamigirl

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Re: The MIL/DIL Dance.
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2013, 07:53:09 AM »
Hmm. Interesting. I am an MIL. My question is, why should there be leader? The DIL is not a child, she is an adult. Two adult women-there should not be a leader, but an equal partnership!

Great answer JustP!

But, what kind of "partership"? Are you thinking in terms of percentages (i.e. 50/50)? And, how do we "partner" as MIL/DIL? Or does it just depend on the actual person? More often then not, MIL/DIL don't want the same type of "partnership". For example, maybe a DIL wants a MIL who can babysit every Saturday night, but the MIL may not want that kind of partnership.

When I used the term leader (and I guess it would depend on how you define "leader" I didn't mean dictator), I was thinking in terms of my analogy. Someone always takes the lead in a dance (at least the way I dance...lol). And nobody wants a partner with two left feet.

I hope my analogy is making sense. I actually thought it was cute, no?

Offline Pooh

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Re: The MIL/DIL Dance.
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2013, 07:54:48 AM »
Hmm. Interesting. I am an MIL. My question is, why should there be leader? The DIL is not a child, she is an adult. Two adult women-there should not be a leader, but an equal partnership!

If we are talking personal experience, this would be my opinion as well.  I think that is actually what causes many of the issues.  Either the MIL or DIL, or both, want to be the leader and in control.  Instead of working together and compromising to make everyone's lives easier.  Now, I do think when an AC marries, their primary focus should be their spouse and family unit.  I think the parent(s) have to realize that they have their own lives to lead.  I in no way as an MIL wanted to be intrusive, domineering or control any part of their lives, aka, be the leader.  I figured we'd talk some, spend some holiday time together(didn't even have to be on the same holiday), have dinner or lunch every once in awhile, send little gifts to the GC.  Pretty much what I do with YS/DIL and it seems to work fine because they are receptive.

I had the domineering, controlling, intrusive MIL my first go-around and it was no fun and frustrating as a DIL.  I agree with Luise.  It's kind of hard to ask what we "think" a situation should be because then you do get people's opinions based on a general perception.  Everyone has different dynamics in their lives and different problems that go along with the initial situation and then we get into our expectations, not the reality.

For example:  If in my exact same situation, I had a OS/DIL that were alcoholics and drug abusers......my take on being intrusive would be totally different.  I would probably be more intrusive as a check on the GD.   Hope that clarifies what we mean by different situations get different results.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: The MIL/DIL Dance.
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2013, 08:16:31 AM »
I am having trouble here. Great answer? That sounds like a teacher monitoring a class discussion. Let's just pass on this one and get back to life. If that doesn't make sense, then there are great Websites for this kind of thing that will better serve.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama