Author Topic: Love Me Love me Not.....  (Read 1821 times)

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Offline SammIAmm

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Love Me Love me Not.....
« on: November 19, 2013, 11:08:53 AM »
Love Me Love me Not...

I too am new here, and have read and studied and tried and tried and tried...To find some way, to find a common ground with AC, as has DH. As I have read many of the letters and the anguish you are going thru with your AC, it helps us (DH & I) not to feel like we are existing on a completely different planet. Currently DD is leaving to go to be with her navy boyfriend who is in Japan. She will be gone for 90 days, maybe less, and suppose to return to their home here. However, there is a "slight chance she may never come back here again", based on an email she sent to her DH. The relationship with her father is loving and fun, but she has treated me with utter and total disdain ... Unless of course there is an audience. But you all have many of the same problems. I tried to be a great mom, did all I could for my kids, even stayed home to be with them, guide them, etc.

Now that they have all grown and flown, DH and I have made a life for ourselves and we try to have holidays with our kids. When planning, we have ALWAYS been considerate of their bf/gf and the "in laws" or other families plans. So we worked out what seemed to be a good rhythm to accommodate everyone involved. It seems however, that the easier we tried to make things, the more difficult DD would make things. This year only one of e of our children will be residing nearby and it will be a nice quiet holiday season. Perhaps a bit lonely and sad, but without attitudes and underlying resentments from DD. That is indeed something to be thankful for.

DH and I love our AC unconditionally, we respect that they have their own lives, but we are tired of the disrespect, tired of underlying threats of distance or abandoning the relationship as parents and children, and most especially of the attitude. DH defends me, which he should not have to do, and honestly, I am looking forward to the PEACE and JOY of the holidays.

Many of the folks are obviously women, but it would be interesting to have the DH's give their perspectives on some of these problems. We women think and respond more emotionally than men do, but they too have emotions and feelings about all of these issues. My DH and I think...Silence is golden (so they say)...So, silence it shall be. I made the comment that animals raise their young and they go on their own and many species do not look back or remember their birth parent. We are human, but with some children, perhaps the animals know something we have yet to learn?? It is a question I am pondering today, as DD has sent yet another nastygram to us.

I am sorry that we all have to have this in common. But this is a place I need, perhaps to know I am not all alone. And reading many of the postings brought tears to my eyes as I read them out loud to DH. e thought the results of the survey would be higher, but we were not shocked to learn the results. Perhaps we have cultivated a selfish and self centered generation. It makes me wonder what that generation will cultivate in their children.

« Last Edit: November 19, 2013, 11:25:42 AM by Pooh »

Offline Pooh

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Re: Love Me Love me Not.....
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2013, 11:27:19 AM »
Welcome SammIAmm.  I moved your post over to it's own topic so it would get seen more.  Please take a moment to read the highlighted posts under "Open Me First".  It's the forum rules and such.  Nothing wrong with your post, just something we ask all new members to do.

So sorry for your issues with DD.  I worry about my grandchildren's generation too.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: Love Me Love me Not.....
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2013, 02:09:47 PM »
IMO there are self-centered people from all generations. What has been called "the greatest generation" spawned the king of narcissists, my DF. In fact, most of my friends from the old 'hood feel their parents were pretty self-centered too (and still are, lol.) So, I think we have to be careful not to generalize.

That said, I too am sorry you're going through this, SIA. You seem to have a healthy attitude going forward. I agree that it would be great to have input from the men here, but we've not had very many speak up.

Enjoy your peaceful holiday. I know I will enjoy my quiet, drama-free day too! Oh, and welcome to the site :)
« Last Edit: November 19, 2013, 02:15:23 PM by Pen »
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline DixieDarling

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Re: Love Me Love me Not.....
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2013, 06:30:26 PM »
Welcome SammIAmm, I still a newbie also. I've learned so much reading here! On the days I have to reach deep to get by I come here to see I'm not alone. You aren't either. ((Hugs))

wisewomanalso

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Re: Love Me Love me Not.....
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2013, 09:52:01 AM »
I don't know on this one.  I have three boys and we still have a great relationship for boys and college students  ;D  Of course it is hard to know if their calls are to keep the money tree shaking or if they are truly in need of saying hi.

I was the type of person - very, very independent.  I never relied on my parents but it was because they never let me.  I left to go to college - something I did all on my own.  Lived in a one bedroom apartment with three girls total and never looked back and never went back.  Those first years in college, I don't even remember how many times I'd go home or communicate with my parents.  To be honest, cell phones weren't something we had then and they didn't really call me either.  I could complain about my parents in a very long list - but I don't because I just know it is what it is.  They did the job they did and at least I was clothed, sheltered, fed and shown how to be an independent soul. 

It is amazing to me how so many others in our world today, complain just about anything.  Nothing was or is ever good enough for them.  I, like you, stayed at home with my older two children.  Did anything and everything for them.  Whatever they were interested in we gave it a whirl.  What's funny is to hear the older one come home and say....if you had made me take piano lessons or if you had made me practice lacrosse more.   I just laugh and say well, I think you turned out pretty well and it is never too late.

Your DD is going through something and it probably has nothing to do with you at all.  People like to blame those that are closest to them - often when they are the first ones they will turn to in time of need.  I hope that you will use this new freedom to not dwell on the stuff she says and does but instead on enjoying your own life.  Try a new hobby,  travel, volunteer etc.  We can't fix everything, we can't do everything and we aren't to blame for everything. 

I don't know what your DD is complaining about in her latest email - but my suggestion would be to simply say.  "I'm sorry.  I love you and want the best for you and will always be here if you need me."

Maybe even add - we're not perfect, we did try our very best to be the best parents we could be.

Maybe someday soon she'll wake up and realize that a relationship takes two people and she must participate in a positive way to have a positive relationship with you.  In the meantime, take care of yourself and your DH.

Offline maddiemoo

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Re: Love Me Love me Not.....
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2013, 11:22:29 AM »
Welcome SammIam,

I am a newbie here as well, and I am happy you reached out and started a thread of your own.

 It has been over two turbulent years for me with my DD and the last five months have been hell on earth. I wont go in to too much detail because I have on other threads. If you click on my name you will be able to read my story.

All I can tell you is to lean on those who are truly there for you, reach out here, and discover a new hobby, or passion you can enjoy to take your mind off of the situation with you DD.

I cannot say it gets better, because just when my situation seemed better, BAM she pulled the rug out from under me yet again about 3 days ago.  Hang in there and know even wonderful parents deal with seemingly ungrateful and callous AC.

Offline freespirit

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Re: Love Me Love me Not.....
« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2013, 05:08:04 AM »
Just want to say, wisewomanalso,...you really are one. ;) Your post is how I think,...but I sometimes slip back, and need to hear or read it again,...so that I can get on with my life.  8)   Thanks!
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

wisewomanalso

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Re: Love Me Love me Not.....
« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2013, 09:37:15 AM »
We all need that from time to time!  Even though we can say the same thing to ourselves a million times, hearing it from someone else just makes more sense LOL.

I am thankful for sites like this that have answered and re-affirmed my feelings over the years.

Happy Thanksgiving All!