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My Daughter Is Not Home Yet!

Started by ohmama, November 05, 2013, 09:34:25 am

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ohmama

November 05, 2013, 09:34:25 am Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:01:50 am by luise.volta
My MIL asked to keep my daughter(4 yr) Saturday and Sunday. I said yes, packed her bag and sent her off.
Sunday night came and went and my daughter was not brought home. So Monday morning, I called MIL and she said my daughter was at her mother's(GMIL). Husband and I were not told she was going there. But MIL stated she would bring her that evening. It is now Tuesday 1 pm. My daughter is not home and I have not heard from MIL or GMIL. Now, I have a temper in situations like these.  >:(
My first thought is to call the police and tell them my daughter is being held without my consent.
Anyone have a more rational approach?
P.s. MIL has no accountability. So a polite sit down won't work. 

jdtm

November 05, 2013, 09:53:00 am #1 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:11:58 am by luise.volta
QuoteSo Monday morning, I called MIL and she said my daughter was at her mother's(GMIL).


Question:  why did you not go and get her on Sunday evening?  If the child was not home by bedtime, then a telephone call and/or visit would have been prudent and/or expected.

However - I think step one would be to telephone your GMIL.  Depending upon her answer would be the decision for step two.  By the way - temper tantrums solve nothing except to prove one to be immature and/or irrational. 

Let us know how step one turned out ....

luise.volta

November 05, 2013, 09:54:22 am #2 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:11:16 am by luise.volta
I think I would ask for a police escort to go get her (to make a point) and then set a boundary that they come to visit...she doesn't go there, again, ever!  Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

ohmama

November 05, 2013, 10:43:41 am #3 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:09:50 am by luise.volta

Question:  why did you not go and get her on Sunday evening?  If the child was not home by bedtime, then a telephone call and/or visit would have been prudent and/or expected.

I wasn't alarmed Sunday night. Though I have a temper when upset it takes a lot to upset me. This was me not making a big deal of one mistake. It being Tuesday, I now feel its a big deal. But I'm not sure how to handle it.

ohmama

November 05, 2013, 11:02:58 am #4 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:09:06 am by luise.volta
Husband called MIL and daughter is with her, she told him she will bring her home tonight. Taking into account MIL doesn't respond to talks well. What is an appropriate game plan?

luise.volta

November 05, 2013, 11:07:46 am #5 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:08:24 am by luise.volta
The more I think about it...the more I think my first response was too hasty. It's not a police matter...you allowed it. You waited all day yesterday for the return of your daughter which was scheduled for the night before. I probably would have tracked her down and gone to get her Sunday evening. Anger doesn't need to be your motivation...she was supposed to be back home and no one asked you if she could be taken from point A to point B. You're the mom...my take is to go get her and close the door on any more of this, not out of becoming upset, but because it's your job.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

luise.volta

November 05, 2013, 11:16:23 am #6 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:07:42 am by luise.volta
Oh, good news! I think my game plan would be to close the door on further visits. Going through this once would be more than enough, for me. If you don't have any kind of a working relationship with MIL...to have DD in the middle of that isn't a safe venue.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

ohmama

November 05, 2013, 11:34:11 am #7 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:06:53 am by luise.volta
Yeah no I agree that it isn't a police matter. That's why I came here or believe me, l would've called long ago. I disagree that I allowed it. Because I am a SAHM, she could have brought her back at 10 or 11 Sunday and it would have been fine. Husband & I literally fell asleep waiting but not upset. Thats why the call didn't go out until next morning.

ohmama

November 05, 2013, 11:54:11 am #8 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:06:00 am by luise.volta
A lot of MIL's complain their DIL is controlling, rude, keeps kids away, etc.
For me I let my DD spend weekends with her GP's, I don't have any rules except her peanut allergy & let us know where they take her. And I don't go jump and track her down an hour past bedtime. I think time with GP is special and I don't intrude on that. I figure what will one weekend every other month of candy and late nights
really hurt her? But previous posts are making me feel like I give too much??

luise.volta

November 05, 2013, 12:28:33 pm #9 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:05:20 am by luise.volta
The beauty of WWU is that you can be heard, take in what rings true to you and pass on the rest. I think it's the title of your post that threw me off. I just didn't get that you were OK with her being brought back late or the next day, after reading that. Glad all is well.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Stilllearning

November 05, 2013, 03:27:31 pm #10 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:04:41 am by luise.volta
It sounds to me like you have a very easygoing reign on the week end visits.  Your MIL may have stretched things before without any problems so she thinks that what she did this time will be ok also.  I think cutting her off entirely might be an over-reaction.  I hope you have expressed to her that you were worried and less than pleased with her not getting permission before she kept your DD longer than she was supposed to.  Next time she calls for your DD to visit you should tell her that you are unsure because of what happened this time.  If she reacts defensively then keep your DD home until the rules are clear and you feel confident that your MIL will get permission before she does anything outside of the things you have approved. 

I agree that grandparents are very important.  They are the concrete proof of the continuity of family.  I hope you and she can work out a comfortable solution for everyone's sake.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

freespirit

November 07, 2013, 10:31:53 am #11 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:03:53 am by luise.volta
Stilllearning...wish they had a like button here.  :)
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

DixieDarling

November 08, 2013, 04:43:20 am #12 Last Edit: November 08, 2013, 05:02:58 am by luise.volta
Well said SL & Ms. Louise.
OP, you sound like a wonderful DIL and Mother. I also believe you should tell her you were worried!
Also you need a phone call in the future about stuff like this in order for you to feel "ok" with DD going again. Good Luck

luise.volta

Time to change the title on this one. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

That was going to be my question.  While I think what your MIL is doing is rude simply because I would have called Mom and asked if I could keep her longer, I was wondering since you do seem so easygoing with MIL if she has the impression that you wouldn't care if she kept her a couple of extra days?  Not that I agree with her thinking, I just feel we set patterns with people sometimes without even knowing we are doing it just because of our behaviors.

If this has never been an issue or talked about in the past, then I can't see cutting her off.  I see having a conversation with her about the boundaries and the rules and seeing if she abides by it next time.  If she does it again after that, then I would not let another visit occur.  Now if you have had this conversation already, then I would be going to get my daughter and not wait on her and let her know that from now on, there will be no more unsupervised visits since she can't follow your requests.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell