Author Topic: DIL hates my husband.  (Read 1458 times)

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Offline Aniko

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DIL hates my husband.
« on: September 29, 2013, 11:26:46 PM »
Dil refuses to come to our home. I often take care of grand kids. Either at her place or bring them over to mine and take them back.  I admit he made a mistake 3 years ago for which he apologized and tried to make amends.  She refuses his apology and has even told him that he makes her want to puke.  Nothing seems to make her change, not my son, not my pleading for a more normal relationship, nothing.  Our family is small and she is making it impossible and difficult for all.  She knows that I will not give up my relationship with my son and grand kids.  She never hesitates to ask me to babysit.  I should add that my DH is not the father of my children, I was widowed.  He has really tried, but like I said he made a mistake by acting like an ass at their wedding, he accepted his mistake and asked for forgiveness.  My son is a merchant seaman and is away most of the time, DIL is Russian and her parents live in Europe.  She is a student at a University and that is why she needs child care which I have provided graciously, my DH really enjoys our 3 yr old gd and she loves him.  Help

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL hates my husband.
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2013, 06:47:02 AM »
Welcome Aniko.  We ask all new members to go to the category "Open Me First" and read the threads there about the forum rules.  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all new members to do this.

Well, this is a tough one.  Yes, we all make mistakes and I believe in second chances.  I also think that depends on what the mistake is.    I can see where if someone ruined my wedding day, I would have a hard time forgiving them too. 

I personally wouldn't push it and just enjoy right now the opportunity to still see your DS and GC.  Maybe time will allow her to forgive, but there is nothing you can do and any pushing on your part is just going to fuel the flames.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Aniko

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Re: DIL hates my husband.
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2013, 08:04:36 AM »
Thanks for the reply but I have been waiting for 3 years and with the holidays coming it is twice as hard as my other son has to split his time between the 2 families.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL hates my husband.
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2013, 08:58:23 AM »
Welcome - A. My take is that your DIL is in charge of her behavior and it's probably as good as it's going to get...unless she has a change of heart. If DH behaved badly at their wedding...it may be something that can't be undone. It's a sacred time for most brides...and there can be no place for an "Oops" from a trusted family member...since there can be no undoing it. You are not being included...have a relationship with the kids and are willing to help your DIL through school by babysitting. She isn't as vindictive as she could be, so to me, the other side of the coin is that my hat is off to both of you for rising above it. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: DIL hates my husband.
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2013, 09:02:07 AM »
On the plus side, your DIL allows you to bring the GC to your house and interact with your DH.  Is she willing to have your DH come to her house?  If so, then I wouldn't rock the boat at all.  The only leverage you have is to refuse to babysit unless she comes to your house.  That could blow up in your face big time. 

Maybe DIL thinks your DH committed an unforgiveable crime.  Maybe she thinks his apology wasn't sincere.  Maybe she thinks his apology didn't go far enough.  Maybe she thinks she's been harassed about accepting his apology so she's digging in her heals.  It doesn't really matter.  In the end she gets to decide if she comes to your house. 

I come from a family with shift workers, so celebrating a holiday the day before, the weekend after, whatever, is pretty normal to me.  If DIL is willing to have everyone over for the holidays or willing to meet on neutral ground (could your other son have everyone over?  even if he has to skip off to his own ILs, there might be a chunk of time to accommodate your side), accept that graciously.  If not, try to find a way to celebrate the holidays on other days.  I know it's not perfect and still leaves you without the GC on the holiday, but it's better than nothing.  Unfortunately as wise as this group is, no one has found the magic wand to make all our problems go away. 

Good luck. 

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL hates my husband.
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2013, 06:54:00 PM »
Welcome, Aniko. If you've read a few past posts you've already found that many of us have very similar situations. It's sad, and I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this frustration and pain. I'm sure your DH is truly sorry for his actions, but unfortunately that isn't changing your DIL's heart right now.

You are able to see your DS & GC, which is huge here! I would advise you to not nag your DS & DIL about anything, just keep smiling and abiding by their wishes for now. In time your DIL might come around.

The holidays are usually a time of stress for us here on the boards, but we WWU help each other get through them. Many posters recommend finding  some alternative ways to enjoy the holidays; they may not be what you're used to, but they can still be good. Make some plans now (reservations, invitations to friends, etc.) so you have something fabulous to look forward to. (((hugs)))

DH & I have at least one special activity a month from now until February, luckily (it just worked out that way!) I'm going to downplay Thanksgiving & Christmas & AC's/DIL's birthdays (these are the biggies for us) and put my energy into enjoying the other stuff we have planned (Book of Mormon is one event, whoo-hoo!) Other big doings include a dear friend's wedding, an anniversary, a sporting event or two, and the above-mentioned musical. DH's birthday is in there somewhere and I plan on spoiling the man (who spent the past 3 decades working his rear end off to make his children's lives the best they could be, whether they appreciate it or not!)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb