Author Topic: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?  (Read 7660 times)

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saddened by it all

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Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« on: May 21, 2010, 08:40:59 AM »

In regards to my first posting My DIL says we are unacceptable grandparents.

This is the email my DIL sent to me. It is all I can do to even read it.  The facts she stated are not correct. We didn't hang up on her. We have spent 2 Christmas' there, I have photos! Her trying to make us a family is all about her always trying to control us.
She never stays at our home when she comes to visit her friends. She has never called us just to say hello or how are you. In fact she NEVER calls here ever.  My son used to but not anymore. He is stuck in the middle.

I so want to reply to this, but am also just letting things cool down.  Has anyone had any experience with this?


The crazy thing about the two of you is you cant even talk and work things out.  You hung up on me March 25th and now you both do on May 17th.  You are both unbelievable.  I don’t know how you do it but how dare you make my husband feel guilty for the kind of son he is.
My husband the most amazing person I have ever met.  I think it is amazing what we he has done with his life with the type of guidance he has had.  He is the most amazing father, husband, grandson, friend, employer and employee.  The way you spoke to him tonight is completely unacceptable.  You both put yourself in this position…NO ONE ElSE!!!!

It is amazing to me that you think it is acceptable for a good grandparent to call once every two months.  The best part of this all is when you hung up on me March 25th you made it very clear to let me know you have two sons.  The funny thing you forgot is you have 5 grandkids.  I have sent at least 6 sets of pictures and you have not responded to one yet on facebook you talk about all your other grandkids and comment on how cute they are.  Since the day I have met your son it is ALWAYS us going out of our way to be part of your family.  When you lived 10 minutes from us it was ALWAYS us planning the family dinners or stopping by or asking you guys over.  It was us that always got everyone together for holiday birthdays and more.  Since we have moved it is us mostly going out of our way and how often do the two of you visit.  My husband works so hard and we have kids with events and I work and part of the school system.  For you to travel here definitely makes more sense but I forgot it is just your grandkids.
As I stated  4 ½ years ago, you and I had a conversation where you promised you would change and make a point to be a family.  I promised to be here with open arms and give you a chance to change….well you failed.  Your granddaughter barely knows who you guys are and that is only your fault because she knows who GG is and her Aunt.  You have  two of the most amazing loving grandchildren I have ever met who would love you day in and out and actually do.  When you are around them you are great with them it just amazes me that you are fine with seeing them and talking to them the amount that you only do.
When we first moved here it was soooo important that you had your first Christmas in your house.   Four days after we moved into our house we made sure we flew there for that.  You both have NEVER been here for a holiday even though we invite you every year…but don’t worry we understand what is important.

I for 14 years have worked hard to make sure we were all a family.  I knew you had no girls so when I was getting married I made sure you were part of the dress selection.  I have always tried to make you both part of our life.  I have always made sure the kids call and do stuff but I have to say I am DONE.  Every few months you both do something to disappoint me by the type of parent or grandparent you are.  I only get more upset by the things I do.  It is funny you know since the day of our son's birth you have always gotten me a mothers day card but not this one.  I know I am an awful daughter in law by helping my husband and grammie make there wishes come true and have her be here for a couple months to spend amazing time with her great grandkids, and grandkids.  I was in shock that day you were able to make it about you and cause an argument at a time like this but I have learned that is who you are. 
In the last few months I have sent numerous pictures of the children and events with not ONE response so that to me shows that you do not care.  Why should I keep sending you pictures there is not one response.  I was taught and raised with family members when you get a gift and cards you pick up the phone and call and say thank you kind of a personal thing to do.  Funny I don’t think that is how you raised  your family so I thought I would play by your rules…how does it feel?
Last it is funny that you hung up on me the truth must hurt sometimes.  It is about my kids 100% and that is why I am done.  I am not going to have you treat my children the way that your son was treated.  When my kids graduate college I expect the people that love him to be there.  When special moments are part of their life I expect them to be there.  And when you tell my son you are going to be at one of his basketball games(yes you did and he keeps asking when) I expect you to keep your word.  It is about my husband to because I care for him and love him and think the world of him so NO ONE is going to treat him how you did tonight.  Funny if you think about it you did the same  tonight.
You can be part of my kids life but it will be with you making the effort.  It needs to be two ways and you need to earn my trust and faith back if you think I am going to participate.  I am an amazing person, mom, daughter, friend and have been the most amazing daughter in law but I am done being used.  My own family has never hung up on me or speak to me the way the two of you have.

I would like to end this by saying my parents raised me with lots of values and lessons.  One important is to always let people in and to forgive with open arms.  I will always make sure you are part of my childrens life but I will not go out of my way for a long time that trust and guarantee will need to be earned back.

« Last Edit: May 21, 2010, 09:23:02 AM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2010, 09:17:07 AM »
I would reply. "Got your email. Thanks for taking the time to share your perceptions and perspectives."

I would not start picking away at any of it or point out that much of it is incorrect. That's a road that never ends. She took the time to write...give her that. And she cares, I'd give her that, too.

Before I tossed that email, I would look very carefully to see if there was any truth in it anywhere. We often have "blind spots"...at least I do. Then, I'd back way off regarding what I wanted, expected or even hoped for. That's her reality. You can't rewrite it. She could but she probably won't. Sending love...
« Last Edit: May 21, 2010, 09:26:29 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Scoop

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2010, 11:00:42 AM »
I think the only thing you can do is sincerely apologize (if you can) and try to make things right with her.  It's really unfair, but if you want a relationship with your DS and GC's, you have to dance to her tune.

Without arguing over facts, you should re-read her letter and see what her feelings are. 

She felt like you hung up on her.  It's an awful feeling.  It's easy to apologize for that:  "DIL, I'm so sorry I made you feel like I hung up on you, I would never hang up on you, I was just so emotional that I had to get off the phone and cool off, I said "I have to go", probably too low and too quick, I should have explained myself better, but I really needed to cool off, I'm sorry for making you feel that way."

She feels like you don't see your GC's enough!  Halleluia!  Call MORE, visit MORE, send cards and letters.  She WANTS you to be involved in your GC's life - what a gift!

She doesn't feel like you appreciate the effort she *has* made, to send photos ect.  This is SO easy to fix, make a note to appreciate her more obviously because she needs to 'hear' it. 

I find this one particularly funny, because my DH and I are the best examples of this.  He's a Capricorn and I'm a Cancer, generally a good match.  Except, I need to be reassured again and again that he loves me and appreciates me and everything I do (typical Cancer).  As far as he's concerned (classic Capricorn) he's told me once, and as long as it holds true, he shouldn't have to tell me again.  He'll tell me when it's not true anymore!  Luckily, we were able to really *SEE* this, and now I tell him what I need to hear and he jokes "What?  I told you I loved you just last month!"  And we laugh it off.

Maybe you've thanked your son for the pictures ect and he didn't pass the thanks on to her.  Meanwhile, she's done all the 'work', with no reward.  That's not fair either. 

She wants you to spend holidays with her, DS and the kids and she feels like you don't WANT to. 

I think you and DIL have a communication problem at the most basic level.  I think that you will have to really open your mind to your DIL and point of view.   I hope you can, because this relationship sounds VERY salvageable to me.

Please, open your mind and your heart to this DIL - you can make this relationship better, but it's going to take some work.  Roll up your sleeves and get to it!

PS - don't send her a letter back, unless it's what Louise wrote or something to the effect of "I received your letter and I would like to speak with you, when is a good time for us to speak uninterrupted?"

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2010, 11:21:00 AM »
Scoop - The next time I'm up against it (whatever "it" is) I want you in my corner!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline sadDIL

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2010, 03:16:30 PM »
Even though I know I will get a lot of he** for this, I could have been the DIL that wrote this. I'm not going to agree or disagree but I believe there are always 2 sides to every story. Even though I know I have been in the right sometimes, so has she. And vice versa. Probably some of those things may not have happened that way or even at all, but you need to understand that she believes it did. Maybe both of you should talk and ask her why she thinks that. I wish my ILs would do that. I've realized over the years that I have acted immaturely and mean, BUT so have they. If you want a relationship, maybe you should try to talk to her and your son and the grandchildren. If she wants you around more, then think about reasons why she would think you weren't. Try to talk to her because she's probably hurting as much as you and she probably wants to have a better relationship with you.   

cremebrulee

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2010, 04:05:58 PM »
Dear Saddened by it all

I'm so sorry, but this is going to be long...
and I'll give it to you from my point of view...
1st, keep that email...pack it away somewhere...never throw it away.

I went thru 12 years of this with my DIL...we both came from two totally different cultures...when things happened, she thought I was jealous of her relationship with my son, and tried to drive a wedge between them, and I thought the same of her...I thought she literally hated me...and she thought I hated her...awful! 
I thought I was doing everything I could to make it work, and we were both walking on egg shells every time we were around each other which wasn't much. 
Your DIL has certain expectations of you, which are wrong of her to feel that way, without maturely sitting down with you and discussing the issues with you, and not just talking but listening to. 
You are wrong to have expecations of her...why, because you both come from different family upbringings, two totally different people.
She was wrong for trying to slam you about how you raised your son...that should never be done....however, people say horrible things about each other when they feel like you and she do...I did...and I can tell you, God as my witness I am very very sorry for saying and thinking those things about my DIL.
I know your very hurt and devestated by this letter...please note, that the very idea that she wrote you, surprises me...she's hurting, and wants you to be a part of they're family..that is very evident...
She wants you to be there for the kids...that is encouraging...
yes, some of the stuff she said, she shouldn't have said...however, if you wrote her an email right now, you'd say things which would hurt her, and I don't advise you to do that....
I finally sat down and wrote my DIL a letter and told her I was sorry, so very sorry for this all happening....explained to her, that we both are the same in a lot of ways, yet very different in a lot of ways....I am more like your DIL is...and she is not one to call, she is not kissy face huggy bear and seems very cold at times, however, that is the way she is....and whose to say, I'm right?  It's just the way I was raised...

Please understand that...do not ever respond to her in anger or say things to her to hurt her, to get even.  If I were you, I would start making more of an attempt...and if you can...ask her from time to time, "what do you think?"  Let her think she is in control..what is wrong with that...and if you cannot live up to what she is asking, then very nicely explain to her why and where and how...and do it with the utmost sincereity.

I believe you can work this out, I do...but you really have to calm down and not take things personal she is saying...I know that is hard, but what it comes down to, is, do you want peace and harmony in your life?  Do you want to be friends with them?  If so, then both of you have to change your attitudes, and you have to be the one to start, and I believe she will follow. 

If you ever sit down and talk to her, never say, well, you did this or that...ask her if your misunderstanding her actions, as I did with my DIL...I so misunderstood a lot of things she did and said.

Understand also, that she is young, and as she grows older she will possibly understand...right now, she wants her way, so give it to her...don't fight her...

There are mil's here that would give the world to have they're DIL's want them to be a part of they're lives...your DIL is not closing the door...

Please do like Luise said, and don't respond by email...give it a few days, and take a long hard look at self...ask yourself what you want...we don't like to be told what to do, we hate it when people give us ultimatiums...and she has this idea in her head what a family should be...so, meet her half way...you might be surprised what goodness comes of it. 

Drop the bad feelings...don't take what she said personal...we say things a lot that we don't mean...she in my opinion is going about it the wrong way, however, she is trying to get your attention, the only way she knows how...that is all she knows...understand that with compassion...you might be surprised, what comes of it all...

if you have questions, come in here and ask the gals about what your feeling..and why...and lets all work on it together...and maybe, you can work this all out, as I really do believe it is doable...

I totally agree with Sad DIL and Luise...they both have given you some wise perspectives...don't retaliate with vengence...you will only end up hurting yourself...just calm down and realize, she said these things to get your attention...she is angry and hurt, just like you are...
« Last Edit: May 21, 2010, 04:07:42 PM by cremebrulee »

kathleen

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2010, 04:47:11 AM »
I read this DIL's email yesterday and couldn't even comment.  I felt socked in the stomach.  It's incredibly awful.  Sad, I'm with you.

I always wonder when people do something like this if they ever stop to THINK, even for five seconds, that maybe today isn't the best day to send a sword out over the Internet.  Maybe, just maybe, the recipient of the hate mail is having a bad day, got fired, found a lump in her breast, or got a nasty letter from the bank.  People like this just go for it, utterly selfishly, and frankly it infuriates me.  If you have an issue with a person, for heaven's sake find a better way to deal with it than words-as-weapons.  That's not solving anything; that's just making war. 

Less than two weeks after my mother died, I received such an email from one of my sisters, outlining all the faults she perceived in me since childhood.  (My three sisters, by the way, resemble the stepsisters in "Cinderella."  I was put in the role of doing a lot of the work of raising them, hence the latent resentment.) To this day, four years later, I haven't replied.  I'm not going to deal on the same level as people who slam others in an email, surely the coward's cheap way out.  Yet Luise may be right about sending a polite reply; I did this to an email from my son/DIL that had a few nasty comments in it; at least you acknowledge it, and if you don't, it probably adds fuel to her fire.  But I totally agree you should not retaliate by getting into a reply point-by-point.  Just more damage and as Luise says, this has no ending.

Creme, I once lost it slightly with my DIL; didn't say things I regret, but did get upset with her.  She used it as a weapon, lied about the extent of it to my son and her role in creating that.  Ever since then, I've been excruciatingly polite.  I'm not handing her another opportunity EVER.

Did anyone see "Anne of Green Gables" on PBS?  Remember that scene where Anne has to go apologize to the neighbor for reacting---naturally---to horrible things the neighbor said to her face?  Anne learned how to enjoy that apology and both Marilla and the neighbor ended up feeling there was something slightly amiss about that enjoyment.  I have never forgotten that.  Excruciatingly polite responses can even be enjoyable, I've learned. 

While your DIL may have real issues with you that need to be worked out---I'm not saying she did---she should have talked to you kindly about it.  Words can be weapons as has been pointed out here before and when they are in writing, they are there forever.  Also my cousin is a computer expert and tells me it's foolish to conduct personal communication like that over the Internet, as the emails always will be there.  If this relationship is important to you, perhaps at some time in the future when everyone has calmed down you could create a meeting with her to talk about it.  If you do, I think you should set some ground rules of courtesy during the discussion.  But if she is deliberately mis-perceiving things (says you hang up on her and you didn't) be prepared for more of the same. 

Still trying to get my breath back, Sad, and hope you have yours back by now,

Kathleen

Offline Pooh

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2010, 08:38:39 AM »
I have read all of the posts and I think every one of them has great ideas, suggestions and wisdom in them.  I will say, I wish my DIL would write me an email or something so I could figure out what her perceptions were.  I know that the snide comments she made were not nice and hurtful to you, but I have to say....you now know her perception and how to deal with her.  It may be totally insane and innaccurate, but you know what it is now.

Mine has shut me out and alienated my son to the point we don't even talk.  When I have tried to talk to her and him, they both shut down and will not say anything.  I know my DIL is very immature and spoiled so her perceptions are probably WAY out there as well because I would never cave in to her whiney, ridiculous demands when they were dating.  One for example, she thought I should pay their rent and utilities so they could get a place together while they were attending college.  Her words were that while her and my son was attending college, that I should still support them.  This was not feasible for me to do as a one income single parent and I told her that our deal had always been,  he was welcome to live at home for free while attending college but I couldn't afford to pay for him to live outside the home. If he wanted to get a place of his own, he would have to pay for it because I couldn't.  Ok, that is totally logical to most people but in her world where her parents had spoiled her rotten, all she heard in her head was:  So she wants to keep him at home away from me, doesn't want us to be together and she's not doing what I want.  (Insert stomping feet and rolling eyes here.)  Her mother even called me and wanted to know if it was true that I refused to financially support them?  So I calmly explained to her mother that yes, it was true that I could not afford to pay their rent and utilities along with my own.  But that I would continue to financially support my son if he lived at home.  I would still pay all the home bills, still buy him groceries and help with his gas momey to drive back and forth.  I could afford to do that. Her mother hung up on my after saying I was a bad mother and didn't love my son like she loved her daughter.

But I would still love to know what their perceptions are so maybe I could find a way to get along with her.  So maybe you can look at this email as a way to know what she is thinking and figure out how to reach some neutral ground.  Turn this negative into a positive.

I understand that you don't have the finances to go see your grandchildren as often as you would like.  She is not understanding that since she has probably never had to deal with not having money to be able to do things.  So I have a suggestion you might could try if you decide to try to talk to her at some point.

Since you have a computer and internet,  and I would think they do as well since she sent you an email.  How about purchasing a couple of web-cams (they are not very expensive anymore) and mail one to her?  If she would hook it up to theirs, and you have one one yours, you could see and talk to your GC often.  It would also be a way to maybe see her and your son more and an easier way for you to thank her for pictures and such (and I think the other posters were dead-on with she seems to need constant thank yous).  This might show her how much you are interested in your GC and them too.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2010, 08:43:14 AM by Pooh »
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2010, 08:58:50 AM »
SaddenedBIT, I agree with Kathleen about not putting anything over the internet that you don't want to see plastered all over the place..those communications can be passed around faster and farther than writings on paper which can be dangerous enough. They can be altered, cut, pasted and changed to fit the receiver's agenda. Be careful!

It's hard to distinguish sometimes between an honest attempt by a DIL to improve a relationship with her MIL and more impossible hoops for MIL to  jump through so DIL can claim that her MIL is impossible and cut her off as per an agenda long in the works. I guess I sound bitter and skeptical, but I'd be very, very careful here if I were you...open to the possibility of a reconciliation, but without expectations one way or the other.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2010, 09:30:43 AM »
Written communications are so one-sided. There is no tone of voice, body language or exchange. There's no room. And of course, there's no privacy. (Look where her email ended up.) A unilateral statement is a place to hide and "be right."

I have a Web cam and they are a great way to chat. What a wonderful suggestion. See if you can open a door and ask if kindness can be part of any further presentations. There are many ways to say the same thing. Judgment and attack are "door closers." Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

DDM

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2010, 05:08:26 AM »
Written communications are so one-sided. There is no tone of voice, body language or exchange.

Putting your thoughts in writing can have it's advantages, especially in emotional situations. Face to face it is too easy not to hear what is being said over the internal dialogue. You hear something upsetting and focus on that particular point, missing the big picture. I often tell my friends and family, when they have something difficult to express, put it in writing. That way you can take your time and express your feelings clearly. It also allows the person you are trying to reach, the opportunity to digest your words without an emotional knee jerk reaction.

Saddenedbyitall, I know this email was very hurtful to you. Your DIL may have misinterpreted your actions and judged you unfairly. But if you peel away all the 'hurt', I think you will see what she really wants is for you and your DH to be more involved in their lives. There are many woman here who have had that door shut on them and are suffering because of it. Don't get caught up in what has already happened - who's right, who's wrong. Take this opportunity to make positive change. If you can't be there physically write, call, whatever you can to be connected.

1Glitterati

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2010, 08:26:42 AM »
I don't think there's a way to win by replying...but if you did...I'd copy her email and respond in the body of it.   Something along the lines of:


In regards to my first posting My DIL says we are unacceptable grandparents.

This is the email my DIL sent to me. It is all I can do to even read it.  The facts she stated are not correct. We didn't hang up on her. We have spent 2 Christmas' there, I have photos! Her trying to make us a family is all about her always trying to control us.
She never stays at our home when she comes to visit her friends. She has never called us just to say hello or how are you. In fact she NEVER calls here ever.  My son used to but not anymore. He is stuck in the middle.

I so want to reply to this, but am also just letting things cool down.  Has anyone had any experience with this?


The crazy thing about the two of you is you cant even talk and work things out.  You hung up on me March 25th and now you both do on May 17th.  You are both unbelievable.  I don’t know how you do it but how dare you make my husband feel guilty for the kind of son he is.
My husband the most amazing person I have ever met.  I think it is amazing what we he has done with his life with the type of guidance he has had.  It's unfortunate you feel that way.  Thank you for letting me know son has issues regarding his upbringing.  I  will make sure that I contact him so that he can let me know his thoughts and I can understand his feelings. He is the most amazing father, husband, grandson, friend, employer and employee.    Yes, his is a lovely man.  The way you spoke to him tonight is completely unacceptable.  You both put yourself in this position…NO ONE ElSE!!!!

It is amazing to me that you think it is acceptable for a good grandparent to call once every two months.  The best part of this all is when you hung up on me March 25th you made it very clear to let me know you have two sons.  The funny thing you forgot is you have 5 grandkids.  I have sent at least 6 sets of pictures and you have not responded to one yet   I'm sorry.  I do enjoy the pictures and I will make sure to personally respond in the future.   on facebook you talk about all your other grandkids and comment on how cute they areI have the permission of their parents to do that.  I don't have yours, and since the internet really is worldwide and you never know who's looking, I would never dare comment on a child or post a picture of them without parent  permission.  Is it ok for me to comment about them online?  Since the day I have met your son it is ALWAYS us going out of our way to be part of your family.  When you lived 10 minutes from us it was ALWAYS us planning the family dinners or stopping by or asking you guys over.  It was us that always got everyone together for holiday birthdays and more.  Since we have moved it is us mostly going out of our way and how often do the two of you visit.  My husband works so hard and we have kids with events and I work and part of the school system.  For you to travel here definitely makes more sense but I forgot it is just your grandkids.    To you, schedule wise it may.  There are financial issues for us and we do not have the $$ to make many trips back and forth.  I am not saying I expect you all to make the trips back and forth either...I am simply saying that financially it is hard for us.
As I stated  4 ½ years ago, you and I had a conversation where you promised you would change and make a point to be a family.  I promised to be here with open arms and give you a chance to change….well you failed.  Your granddaughter barely knows who you guys are and that is only your fault because she knows who GG is and her Aunt.  You have  two of the most amazing loving grandchildren I have ever met who would love you day in and out and actually do.  When you are around them you are great with them it just amazes me that you are fine with seeing them and talking to them the amount that you only do. We would love to see the grandchildren more.  We also do not want to infringe on your family time together and make a bother of ourselves.  Would you like for us to set down and work out a schedule acceptable to all concerned?
When we first moved here it was soooo important that you had your first Christmas in your house.   Four days after we moved into our house we made sure we flew there for that.  You both have NEVER been here for a holiday even though we invite you every year…but don’t worry we understand what is important.Again, finances are an issue.  And, we don't expect you all to do all the traveling.

I for 14 years have worked hard to make sure we were all a family.  I knew you had no girls so when I was getting married I made sure you were part of the dress selection.  Thank you.  I have always tried to make you both part of our life.  I have always made sure the kids call and do stuff but I have to say I am DONE.  Every few months you both do something to disappoint me by the type of parent or grandparent you are. Let me know what's bothering you when it happens and I'll address it.  I only get more upset by the things I do.  It is funny you know since the day of our son's birth you have always gotten me a mothers day card but not this one.  I know I am an awful daughter in law by helping my husband and grammie make there wishes come true and have her be here for a couple months to spend amazing time with her great grandkids, and grandkids.  I was in shock that day you were able to make it about you and cause an argument at a time like this but I have learned that is who you are. 
In the last few months I have sent numerous pictures of the children and events with not ONE response so that to me shows that you do not care.  Why should I keep sending you pictures there is not one response.  I was taught and raised with family members when you get a gift and cards you pick up the phone and call and say thank you kind of a personal thing to do. Funny I don’t think that is how you raised  your family so I thought I would play by your rules…how does it feel?  No...my family has not typically made calls after receiving pictures or cards.  Had I known that you wanted one [and I did not] then I would have called.  Now that I know, I will.
Last it is funny that you hung up on me the truth must hurt sometimes.  It is about my kids 100% and that is why I am done.  I am not going to have you treat my children the way that your son was treated.  When my kids graduate college I expect the people that love him to be there.  When special moments are part of their life I expect them to be there.  And when you tell my son you are going to be at one of his basketball games(yes you did and he keeps asking when) I expect you to keep your word.  It is about my husband to because I care for him and love him and think the world of him so NO ONE is going to treat him how you did tonight.  Funny if you think about it you did the same  tonight.
You can be part of my kids life but it will be with you making the effort.  It needs to be two ways and you need to earn my trust and faith back if you think I am going to participate.  I am an amazing person, mom, daughter, friend and have been the most amazing daughter in law but I am done being used.  My own family has never hung up on me or speak to me the way the two of you have.

I would like to end this by saying my parents raised me with lots of values and lessons.  One important is to always let people in and to forgive with open arms.  I will always make sure you are part of my childrens life but I will not go out of my way for a long time that trust and guarantee will need to be earned back.

I don't think there's a way to win by responding with email.  If you want to talk with your son and then with her...try that.  I wouldn't expect this to end well, though.  It sounds like emotions are running high and that both sides see things very differently.  Regardless of whether she is right or wrong, she is the parent and she has the right to decide who is or isn't involved with her kids.

DDM

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #12 on: May 23, 2010, 10:14:25 AM »
Personally, I think if you reply in the manner Glitter suggests your response could possibly make things worse. To me it sounds full of excuses and rebuttal. Your DIL is not asking you to defend yourself or even explain, she is telling you what has disappointed her - regardless of the reasons. Move forward. She has left the door open for you and is telling you she wants you to be closer - more involved with her family. If you try to rehash the past to determine who was right, who was to blame, why you did, why you didn't etc., you are going to get stuck on the wrong side of the door. It's up to you to find a way to be more involved - if that's what you want. I understand that you cannot visit as much as you would like but there are so many other things you can do. So often it is the small unexpected gestures that create the strongest bonds and warmest memories. Your GD may not have remembered which birthday gift came from you out of all the packages she opened, but I guarantee a special card saying "Gramma loves you", arriving unexpectedly would not soon be forgotten.   

catchingup

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2010, 10:56:07 AM »
 If DIL has taken the trouble to send an email I would grab the opportunity to put things right
When my husband confronted my MIL with things she said and did she denied it flatly. I dont think she even knew she was doing it. It was part of the way she was.
We can all be misunderstood many times throughout life.
 "People love to be loved and loved to be hated but they hate to be ignored" Your DIL is not ignoring you. Communication is open and the ball is in MIL's court. Without any accusations I think you should take this opportunity to set things straight in the best way possible so that you can be a family.
An email would be far better than face to face.
In fact write the email on this forum first and let all wise women modify and sanction it.
In that way you will not be alone and we can all shoulder a bit of blame if it goes wrong. :-X
« Last Edit: May 23, 2010, 11:01:46 AM by catchingup »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Should I reply to this email from my DIL?
« Reply #14 on: May 23, 2010, 11:47:27 AM »
Lots of good stuff on this thread to consider. You are all so GREAT! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama