May 25, 2019, 03:14:24 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


interesting article

Started by confusedbyinlaws, August 05, 2013, 05:14:37 pm

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


Pooh

That was interesting.  I personally do think that many of the problems lie with the "take a side" attitude that the article mentions.  That could be from the DIL or the MIL, or both.  Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't want my DH to have to pick a side.  He should be able to have a relationship with both sides.  I'm not saying that if you have an overbearing MIL that's clearly mean and rude to the DIL that DH shouldn't have a talk with his Mother and tell her that she will not treat his wife that way.  Or the other way around, have a talk with your DW if she is being mean and rude to Mom.

But if it's just a matter of two people just don't jive, there should be a compromise in the middle so DS is not put in that situation.  Neither side should have to lay down and die so the other can get their way.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

herbalescapes

I am highly suspicious of this sort of study.  First off, only 49 couples were used in the study.  That's a pretty small base.  Then, and this is a problem for any type of psychological study, it's based on interviews.  The author was surprised at how often an husband defends his mother over his wife.  Now is that because he views his wife as stronger and his mother in need of protecting OR is it just an excuse to try to get himself out of dealing with an issue he'd prefer to ignore?  It's typical for anyone to get immediately defensive when given criticism - whether of themselves or a loved one.  Maturity, however, should help us get past the immediate defensiveness and deal with the validity of the criticism.  Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be blind to their faults!  My parents are very bigoted, but I don't have to defend bigotry just because I'm their daughter and I love them.  One example in the article says a wife is upset at her MIL's rudeness and yells at her husband about it (not the best technique, probably) so he leaves to get away from the yelling.  He comes back and pretends the issue never happened, but the wife starts yelling about it again.  So he leaves again.  I understand him leaving to get away from the yelling.  Any time an argument gets out of control, exiting the situation is probably a good idea.  BUT, you still have to deal with the problem.  The husband should have come back and initiated a discussion about the issue rather than ignoring it. 

If guys behaved at work the way they do at home, they'd lose their jobs.  I think we're too quick to pity the poor husband caught between his wife and mother.  He probably got himself into that situation by ignoring problems when they were small.  If men are so ill-adept at communication, how do they run businesses, armies, countries?  If they aren't as good as women at multi-tasking, how do they run businesses, armies, countries?  If they can't handle personal conflict, how do they run businesses, armies, countries?  It's not that men lack the ability to deal with and solve family problems - they use the same abilities to solve problems at work - it's that they choose not to deal with and solve family problems.  Usually making things worse. 

jdtm

QuoteIf men are so ill-adept at communication, how do they run businesses, armies, countries? 


Hmm - sometimes I wonder if women were more in control of "worldly situations", there would be a lot more world peace than there is - not disagreeing with your posting, just wondering about this statement.  I "ponder" about this often as I sit in church and hear the scripture being read - unfortunately,much of our Bible passages stem from violence (and, I know, much more stems from love).  Anyway, this is just musing - not looking for a discussion or debate - just commenting and wondering .....

Pooh

And I couldn't help but think immediately when I read that, for my personal work situation, "Well because he has 5 women working for him that actually do everything!"

:)

I agree herbal.  I don't feel bad for my DS as he has helped create this issue and should be able to communicate. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

herbalescapes

I don't think the world would necessarily be more peaceful if women were more in charge.  Think how mean girls can be.  Think of some of the horrible things women do supposedly for the best interest of their children or husbands/boyfriends.  Neither gender is necessarily more peaceful or moral or what have you.  It's more about maturity and being willing to do the right thing even if it is outside of your comfort zone.