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in need of advise and support

Started by stilltrying2010, July 27, 2013, 08:47:21 am

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W. e just received news of file diagnosis with stage 4 cancer.  With chemo they give him 9mos, 3-4without.  I feel awful for my dh.  We live away from all other family.  Sil lives away from fil but around the rest of the foo.  Both dh and sil are with fil.  Fil decided to marry his longtime gf.  All of fils foo and sils husband and children drove the 20hrs to be there, to see him they weren't getting married at that point.  So essentially entire dhs foo, fils side , is there except for me and our 2 young children.  I feel bad not to be supporting my dh, what the foo will have to say (I have never had a good relationship with any of them). My dh did not want us to fly over for just a day and we are planning to take our girls to see him soon.  I just feel at a loss and unsure how to deal with this.  I am trying to support my husband.  In addition, we have another trip paid for to see my foo, not near fil.  I worry about their perception altho again I have told dh that we can go to see fil instead.  Also I am feeling under enormous pressure home with 2 kids, dealing with all household alone plus an obviously stressed sad dh and then guilty that I am feeling this way.  Not sure how to cope over the long haul with this.  Situation is compounded by the fact that I do not really get along with them all.  Even if I were there I would feel awkwardly out of place since I do not have a loving relationship with fil.  We are polite to one another, that is all. Thank you for listening, just needed a place to get this out. 


ST, that's a lot to deal with. Please take care of yourself and your family as best you can during this time.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Sometimes we can do more good from a distance, sending Light and Love, than going in person and complicating the dynamics and drama. Whatever you do, it may not feel good because of the underlying issues. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Definitely a tough spot to be in.  Unfortunately, I do not have an answer.  Perhaps some reflection and talking to your DH will help alleviate some discomfort?  Or at least, put you both on the same page.  Wishing you all the best.


July 28, 2013, 03:23:16 pm #4 Last Edit: July 28, 2013, 03:29:29 pm by luise.volta
Welcome - Please go to our Home Page and read the three posts there for new member under the Open Me First heading to be sure WWU...especially the Forum Agreement. We are a monitored site.I forgot to include that in my first response. I would add to my earlier post that it seems to me this is between you and DH to iron out. Being on the same page is what seems to me to matter the most...you don't want to make things worse for DH. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


As always thank you for listening and offering such kind words.  It seems.moment to.moment things change, a phone call wields such power.... Getting used to our new reality.   May be calling on you all in the near future. 


So very sorry stilltrying.  I know this puts you in a bad place, guilt-wise.  I'm with Luise...as long as things are good between you and DH, you will be fine.  Even though I know you feel bad for not being there in person to support him, you may be doing the best thing for him.  Giving him an opportunity to visit, with his FOO, without any tension.  When people are hurting, they will sometimes lash out at someone.  With your history with FIL and the rest of them, it is probably better you are not there.  I would wait until DH gets home, be supportive of his pain and work out together what would be best.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell