I realize that my approach has not been good and I should have addressed things differently. But how do you tell someone you feel angry without telling them why. And how do you tell them why without telling them what they are doing that you are angry about. I agree that it's not fair to ask someone to change just so that they can get along with me. I feel like I have been trying to adjust to them and their family culture my entire marriage, but I never was able to. Funny thing about me is that I don't like being insulted and being told in a round about way that my opinions aren't as good as hers and my feelings aren't important. That's not tolerable to me. So if I were to be around her and she says something like "your hair is darker now. I liked it lighter." There is nothing wrong with giving her opinion in that way. But I respond to her by saying " I like it this way." She can't respect that I have my own opinion about my own appearance and she will say "Oh no. It looks much better lighter. This might seem like a small thing to many, but years of this on everything. Picking me apart and commenting on it and arguing if I disagree.
How does one adjust to that? And wouldn't it have been right to point that out to her? "when you say Oh no after I've expressed my opinion, you give the message that my opinion is less valuable than yours" If she hadn't been my husband's mother I would have ended the relationship 30 years ago.
My MIL is interested in me, but I am not sure the reason or the motive and don't feel confident she will ever consider my feelings when we are together. I agree that we are all who we are and none of us are perfect, but we don't have to put up with things from people. Here is an example: When my husband and I were first married he had a habit of going out and having a few beers after work and driving home. I could have just thought "that's how he is" and adjusted to it, but it was something that I wouldn't tolerate and let him now. He could have continued being how he was, but chose to consider my feelings,stop because I couldn't tolerate it. He could have responded like his parents and said "what I am doing is not a problem and if you have a problem with it you can adjust. " I think he knew he might lose me if he said that and that could have happened. I didn't ask him and don't feel like I have asked my inlaws to change their personalities. I was just asking for a little consideration of my feelings.... stop insulting me and telling me my opinion doesn't matter.
So if my MIL calls or writes, I don't know how to respond. "You are how you are and I am how I am and it's not a good mix. It's painful for me and I'm not willing to put myself in that situation right no. After so many years of pain, I just can't move forward. And I completely gave up my own power when I was around them.
By the way after our big blow-up I did apologize and owned up to the fact that I should have addressed things as they came up and approached things differently. I know I am at least half of the problem, but she didn't acknowledge her part of it