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Started by No more people pleasing, July 08, 2013, 01:39:29 pm

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No more people pleasing

 :)So happy to have found this forum. I live in a small town where gossip is the major form of entertainment. I do not confide in anyone just in case it is spread around-usually with misinformation at the least, and outrageous lies at the worst. I have been a people pleaser most of my life, particularly when it comes to interacting with family members. I am approaching 60 years of age and have decided to try and change. I will still be helpful to others, but I will not always put my interests after others as I have in the past. I often go along with others to keep the peace. However, I have found that lately, I have not pleased anyone, in particular my DD. For years, I tried to do everything she wanted, in the way she wanted, but was often treated with contempt, including the silent treatment. As many of you have pointed out, I need to step back and begin taking control of my life and not constantly trying to please. When I analyze my life, I also realize that I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to please my mother, husband, and children. My mother and husband are generally kind to me, but the children have used my people pleasing tendencies to their advantage. I am now going to use wisewomen power to change this life long habit for the better. 


Welcome "No more". As a Newbie, we ask that you go to our Home Page and read the three posts there under the Open Me First category. The Forum Agreement is the most important. That's where you will determine if WWU is fit or not. We're a monitored Website.

I have been a people pleaser, as well...probably because my role models were. I never learned how to deal with conflict, set boundaries, negotiate or compromise. I learned fight or flight and covert manipulation. Lots to unlearn but I'm only 86 years old, so I have plenty of time.  :D 
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


Welcome No More and very proud you are taking your life back.  Yes, that's what it is.  It is an awakening of some sort that makes us realize we deserve better. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Welcome, No More! 
I too WAS a pleaser and have been transforming into a much happier person since I lost 180 lbs...my DS, LOL!  My changes began almost 8 yrs ago but after joining this site and finding a good shrink, my life is continuing to change for the better.

People who were used to the old me, often push to have me "change back".  I hold firm and it has meant a significant fracture with many of my family members.   I say so be it!  I will waste no more love nor time on people who dismiss, mistreat and disrespect me.  I am blessed to have adopted family (friends I chose and who chose me) ready and willing to continue with lifelong, healthy relationships.

I have been a victim of a parasitic family and this fact was so hard to accept and understand that I was very close to a nervous breakdown this past Feb. I think that was what it took to finally break the chains of my dysfunctional FOO.

I am looking forward to the next half of my new and improved life of love!  I still miss my grandchildren, even the newest GD that was born last June, who I have never even met. DS split from my life 6mos b4 her birth and never called w/news of her arrival.  I do not know her BDate and have seen 4 pics of her thru 6mos of age via a friend on FB. 

I continue to hope that my family will reconcile to a point where we can have some contact but will not expect that to happen and will do just fine (most days) even if it never happens.  I finally accept that the role of active grandparenting is not in my future, at least not for my DS's children.  That dream has died a long, suffering death.

I do remain in contact with the family members who I enjoy and who enjoy my company as we always have.

Listen to that voice in u that says something is not right because it may just be "truth".  Trust your gut and take no crumbs because we good moms and people deserve cake and make mine cheese, please!


Let me add my belated welcome, No More. I love how you said you're going to use your "wise women power." :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


WOW! I feel right at home.
I came from an alcoholic family and I always thought everything was my fault. I didn't realize it, though, and this affected me in all my relationships, especially with family. I only have one son and one sister for family and I have had to look at the relationships. I always sold myself short and tried to please them. The result is a sister that rarely talks to me unless she needs something (and she usually doesn't these days because she has had a good marriage and a large extended family) and a son that ended up a selfish, spoiled brat.
I have been working on changing, wanting to be treated with more respect, realizing that I deserve better.
My sister and I have a distant relationship. I had to accept it.
My son and I have had a difficult relationship. He pushes my boundaries and acts disrespectful at times. I used to wonder why, but realize more and more that this is what I put up with.
I need to put up with it no longer. The key is to find healthier relationships by becoming healthier. If my family doesn't treat me with respect, I need to find a new "family"