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My ex-SIL

Started by dbdimples58, June 08, 2013, 06:54:12 am

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I'm new to this site just today.  I'm hoping to find some advice, before I tear my hair out!  I have a MAJOR problem with my ex son in law, and the toxic enviornment in which my two grandchildren are being raised.
I feel awful for my daughter.  She has to deal with him all the time!  Last weekend, she (my daughter) got re-married in the Keys.  During the entire time she was making plans for the wedding, he (the ex) made her life miserable.  While the wedding went fine, she was worried to death he'd try to start some trouble with me getting the kids from school, and on the plane to fly down to FL.  Everything happened as we got home though.  The kids stayed with me all week, I was to drop them off at their fathers yesterday morning, 8AM.  Got there, no one home.  I had a lot of things planned to do yesterday.  Had no idea where he or his new wife were, how long I'd have them.  Finally got a text from the ex, he'd be home "sometime in the afternoon".  This was NOT helpful.  I had a very important DR. appt. I had to cancel, and other things I'd planned to do that day.  His new wife finally showed up at home about 4:30.
This is a regular occurrance for this family.  They have NO regaurd for other peoples schedule or time.  They do this type of stuff all the time with my daughter.  There's no talking to the ex.....he just yells.....ALL THE TIME.
They are (the ex & his new wife) what I consider to be "white trash".  My grand daughter, (12) sleeps on the floor in her 8 yr. old brothers bedroom on a toddler mattress, between the new wife & the ex, they have 4 children, and drive a focus, not enough seat belts, so my grandson sits on the lap of my grand daughter and they seat belt them together. This scares me to death if they were to have an accident, I know how the dad drives, like a maniac.  Many times, they don't eat dinner till 8 or 9:00, then its bagels or something else that does not constitute "dinner".  Yet, with all of this, they've been on several costly vacations, are constantly bribing
the kids with costly gifts, and the new wife just had breast enhancement surgery.  All this while the kids have no beds, and they need a bigger car, and usually, no food in the house.
Both parents work for Ford, so I'm fairly sure they have a decent income between them.  I just don't understand how people think it's ok to live this way. BTW, FOC is no FRIEND to anyone.  Been there already.  No help at all.  :-[
My ex sil LIES ALL THE TIME.  So of course, my grandchildren are learning to do the same thing.   
Before dropping them off yesterday, my ex SIL and I got into a huge texting back & forth argument, where there were LOTS of slanderous nasty words flying back & forth.  I promised myself not to lower my self to his sub-standards, but I was REALLY REALLY ANGRY, and.....I did.  Really mad at myself now. 
Upon getting home, my grandson told his dad, while in FL he was not allowed to swim....WHAT???????  Seriously???  That his new step brother was treated far differently from he & his sister.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  They swam everyday!  Even going snorkeling!  NOT a cheap afternoon! 
These little angels are turning into people I don't even know anymore.  It really breaks my heart.  The appreciate NOTHING.  Everything is expected, all the time.  I'm supposed to watch them this summer, every other week for my daughter.  I don't know how I can even look at them, much less babysit them.  Thanks for listening.  Any thoughts????


Welcome! You sure sound like WWU "family", to me. An "old friend", we just met.  :) We ask everyone making her first post to go to our Home page and under "Open Me First" to read the three introductory posts I have placed there for "Newbies." Most important is to determine if the Forum-agreement is something you can live with and abide by. We are a monitored site.

Many of us here have looked for logic, maturity, integrity and compassion where this is none. We can't change that and our expectations, however realistic, aren't something anyone else is responsible to meet. It's the youngsters that get hurt, are deprived, and get a skewed concept of the world from there. Sometimes we can mitigate that, often not. Sending love...

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I am sorry you are having to deal with this as a grandmother, though sure your daughter appreciates the help you are in her life with the children. To cope with this behavior from the ex, Louise has pointed out the reality and you are challenged to adjust your life and expectations to minimize the disruption to your life and the children's as well. I had to do the same for nine years as a single mother until the ex completely disappeared from my son's life at age 10. It helped me to not plan anything which could not be changed at the last moment, as visitations were very intermittent despite the court schedule agreed on yearly. Having alternate plans in case the ex doesn't show up helped us acknowledge yet not dwell on the disappointment this presented each time for my son. Another thing I learned through therapy with my son those years was that he was very afraid of his father and sometimes unable to stand up to him and tell him the truth, perhaps when asked leading questions or maybe because he know what his father wanted to hear. I was able to find other than direct ways to handle this with my son, by using my own experiences or happenings in the world around us to find examples of when it was hard even for adults to tell the full truth sometimes.  I did not address the lies my son told directly as he already felt very bad and weak for not standing up to his dad. As Loiuse pointed out, whether or not your example ad influence can mitigate the effects of their father is unknown, yet I can tell you love these children and want to help.  Please take time to care for yourself so this does not tear you up.  If you continue to be in close contact in their lives they need you to be the hero and keep in sight the real victims are the children and the confused world they are forced to contend with in dealing with their father. It helped me those years to keep in mind that if I was distraught as an adult at the behavior, how much more distraught my son had to be, just a little guy unable to make sense of the senseless and with no control of the situation at all. I keep you in my thoughts.


Welcome dimples.  Oh the lovely world of horrible Ex's......I have that t-shirt and ticket stub.  The only thing I can offer is time.  Your positive influence on the children will hopefully help with the bad examples they are being given.  Make sure to set your boundaries with the children on what you will tolerate or not tolerate.  Children are smart and know what they can get away with per individuals.  Call them out when you catch them in lies and let them know lying will not be tolerated in your house.

It's so hard when there is a parent that is not good for the children but by law you can't do anything.  I will say here (and it's different in different jurisdictions), I know many parents, both male and female, that meet at the place they are supposed to be, at the time they are supposed to be there and if the other party isn't there, they call the police and have them file a report that the other parent didn't show.  Then they go about their business.  If the other parent wants to take them back to court, they have their proof that they were doing what they were supposed to be doing.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I can't help but wonder who told you that your gc told his Dad that he did not swim and that you treated him differently from the other grands?  It could be that you are blaming the children for things they did not say or were coerced into saying.  It really takes a lower life form to do things like that but there are many parents out there who do it, especially if there is a divorce involved.  You are already convinced that the exSIL lies.
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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