Author Topic: DIL and I are just totally different people  (Read 4733 times)

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Offline Pooh

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DIL and I are just totally different people
« on: May 17, 2010, 10:57:21 AM »
I wanted to say thank you for this site.  I too have a DIL that I can't get along with.  Unfortunately, we are two totally different people with different personalities.  I am more down to earth, believe in working for everything you get, responsible and most of the time, listen to both sides of a story.  She is very high maintenance, wants everything her way, clingy and whiny.

I am not going to sit here and say that I have done everything right, but I really tried hard in the beginning to accept her for who she was.  But after multiple instances of her being disrespectful (stomping her foot at me, rolling her eyes, leaving her dirty dishes all over my house for me to clean up, etc.) I finally said something to my son about how he was allowing her to treat me so disrespectful and that I was equally upset with him for allowing it.  That was the beginning of the wedge between me and my son. When he said something to her, she told her Mother what I said, there was a confrontation between her Mother and I, and it went downhill from there.  Now he just goes along with her and avoids me to keep the conflict down.

Now, two years later, I never hear from him.  He only answers me in one word answers when I do text him to see if everything is OK.  I have tried to not be intrusive, but it is easy to see there is a big gap between us now.  We were always close before the DIL and him started dating.  I would have loved to have had a DIL that I could have been close with.

I always said my job as a parent was to teach them right from wrong, give them feathers of wisdom and then wings to fly.  I just didn't know it was going to feel so awful when they did......
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2010, 11:41:51 AM »
My heart goes out to you, Pooh. So many of us have had the experience of thinking that how we felt mattered, when voicing it actually turned out to be the beginning of the end.

I have just ordered a book a friend recommended: When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along  by Joshua Coleman. I'm a slow reader but hope to do a review here.

Creating independent sons and then watching dependent or insecure DILs walk away with them is heartbreaking. Well, they actually walk away with all kinds of DILs...even independent ones, never to be seen again as the friend they once were. It's a a lot to accept and cope with and that's one reason for this Website. We help each other to heal and move on. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Nana

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2010, 01:18:52 PM »
Pooh

My heart is with you.  Your son decided to avoid trouble and took side with your dil.   It is just how some men are.  My son for instance when I told him (after keeping quiet for a long time) I couldnt take it any longer and that I didnt want to deal with dil because of bla bla bla.....he listended and accepted that he knew and had observed the bad attitude of dil with me.  I told him that I did not want him to have problems with her and thatI now his wife and baby was his family and that he did not have to see me anymore.  That the love we both had for each other was unchangeable regardless of seeing each other.  He said that he would by all means come to visit me with the baby and that he loved me.  He also told me something I didnt know.......he said he wasnt visiting his mil either and when he did he also had a bad attitude towards her to get even with wife for treating us like dirt.   So it resulted that I was the one who wanted out with dil.    It is when change took place...... She was upset and did come to visit me with a different attitude.    Your son will eventually see this.  You just live your life to the fullest and expect nothing of him.....  God works in mysterious ways.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2010, 01:49:20 PM »
Thank you Luise.  I guess one of the hardest things for me to swallow is this.  My son's father left me after 21 years of marriage for a much younger model.  This was during my son's Senior year of school and while him and DIL were dating.  His father had never liked DIL either and had bad mouthed her a lot.  Plus my son could not stand DIL's mother and constantly complained about how she treated him.

I have recently remarried a wonderful man so I am not bitter any longer about the divorce and circumstances.  I actually should thank him for doing me a favor.  My son was very angry at his dad over the situation and didn't want anything to do with him.  I actually continuously encouraged him to have a relationship with his dad and kept pointing out that his father loved him and didn't do anything to him.  It was between his father and I.

Now, him and DIL hang out constantly with his father and her Mother.  After the divorce, I am assuming his Dad wanted to try and make things up to him out of guilt, so he became a huge DIL fan.  So now they hang out with the people they supposedly can not stand. I just don't get it. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2010, 01:51:58 PM »
Thank you Nana.  I am doing the same thing and I hope my outcome is the same as yours.  I know that his place is with his wife.  I really do and you know, I raised him with those values so it's kind of ironic.  That is my hope.  That someday, as he matures and hopefully she does too, that he will come back around and that she and I can have a relationship. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2010, 06:17:01 PM »
The reason we can't "get it" is because we clutter everything up with logic! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Hope

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2010, 06:32:02 PM »
Pooh,
Welcome!  I'm happy you found us.  It's a good place to share a mutual understanding with others facing the same hardship.  It helps us to learn coping mechanisms and, hopefully, how to understand our dils better and improve our relationships.
Hugs, Hope
« Last Edit: May 17, 2010, 07:22:19 PM by Hope »

Offline Pen

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2010, 07:21:10 PM »
Pooh, welcome to this wonderful site. I'm sorry you are going through this. A lot of us here have been hurt and are trying to regain a sense of ourselves and our self worth after being treated poorly by people who matter to us. Luise is right (and oh so wise) regarding logic - so much of what we beat our heads against the wall about is completely illogical!

For those of us who are mothers of sons, it is hard to suddenly stop being a mom. My DIL's mom talks to her daughter every day, etc. etc., but I'm supposed to fade away without any feelings of longing or jealousy or sadness. I never expected to be in this position, but here I am and life goes on. With the help of all the wonderful wise women here I'm learning how to embrace my new life. I wish you well, Pooh!

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2010, 12:35:47 PM »
Thank you so much to everyone for the welcomes, hugs and sympathy.  I have been reading various topics and it is great to see how others have dealt with or coped with the situation.  I knew I wasn't a Lone Ranger, but it is amazing to see how similar some of our stories are.

Luise, you crack me up.  But you are very right. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2010, 06:25:31 AM »
Well Ladies, I had a breakthrough last night.  Out of the blue, my oldest Son calls me to share some great news he had.  He has had several wonderful things happen to him over the last few weeks, and called to tell me.  We spent an hour on the phone talking about what was going on in his life.  I was grinning so hard, my jaws hurt. 

Now, during the conversation he tells me my DIL has been in Florida all week with her parents on a vacation. (He couldn't get off work to go).   Then he starts telling me that his MIL is driving him bonkers.  They bought a new house 3 weeks ago just a few miles from his MIL and she has been coming over every day.  He said they had been fighting like crazy because she kept doing things he didn't want.  For instance, he was landscaping last week and wanted to put pea gravel in the beds because he said it would match the house better and he hated having to replace mulch every year.  He said he came home the next day and the MIL had put mulch in all the beds!  He said he went out and backed his truck up and started shoveling all the mulch into the truck bed.  Once he got it all, he took it to her house, backed up and shoveled it all out in a big pile in her yard.  Left a note on her door that said, "Thanks for the mulch, but we can't use it so I thought you might want it back."   He said, "I would have been grateful and not done anything if I had never had that conversation with her that the last thing I wanted was mulch.  I would have sucked it up and just left it, thankful for her gift.  But since she knew I didn't want it and went and did it anyway, I knew she did it on purpose just to make me mad, so I couldn't be grateful Mom."

He said his MIL came over that evening and started yelling at him.  They had a huge fight and he is refusing to talk to her.  I asked what my DIL said about the situation.  He said she agreed with him and told her Mother that she was wrong.

Ok, now I have to say the bad things I was thinking.  1)  I am terribly grateful for the phone call and I never said anything on the phone about our relationship, my DIL or his MIL.  I am learning to keep my mouth shut.  I listened and we had a good conversation, but in the back of my brain I couldn't help but think that the timing of the call with her being out of town reinforces my beliefs that she is playing a major part in our not talking.  2) I felt a huge sense of relief that he wasn't getting along with his MIL and smiled about it......I know....I know....I shouldn't feel glad about that.  3)  I have a hard time believing my DIL sided with him and went against her Mother, but left for Florida with her 2 days later.  Her Mother never apologized to my son and is still mad at him.  Does that not tell her Mother that her behavior is ok? 4) I will admit, I laughed hysterically after getting off the phone of the visual of his MIL coming home to a huge pile of mulch in her front yard.  I know....I know.....

I had not texted, called or left my son a facebook message in a month.  I took the stand (with your ladies good advice) that the ball was in his court and that I would just go about my business.  I have learned from all of you that I can't control him, her or the situation and to just let it go. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2010, 07:04:31 AM »
Pooh, that is great news, you've made milestones....there are a few things happening here in your favor...

1.  by not saying anything, your not hurting your son....if you try and discuss a problem your having with DIL with your son, he's immediately going to take it as if y ou are demaing her...and not trying to fix it...he won't see it that way, so you get a great big hug while saying, "You my lady, did good!"

2.  He is now seeing how utterly horrible it can be living near an inlaw....he is getting a taste of how it feels....not against you...but, the problems that existed between you and DIL, well, this might make him understand a little more...

3.  Son was venting, not looking to fix anything, he fixed the problem himself, and kudos to him for doing so, and to your DIL for not siding with her mother, she was indeed wrong. 

4.  This is a milestone, your making progress in your own persona...which really feels great, doesn't it.  The fact that you didn't say a word, says volumns.....your starting to understand, and being right doesn't matter more then getting along....

Hugs and I'm very proud of you and happy for you at the same time....


cremebrulee

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2010, 07:06:36 AM »
Oh, and I'm laughing to....your son did the right thing, she may choose to listen to him next time....she had it in her mind what she thought it should be and probably never heard him say, that he didn't want it....we humans tend to not listen when others are speaking...we are so eager to help that we don't hear people say no thank you....

and even if she did, believe me, she will think twice about it next time.....
shame on her....and kudos to your son.....


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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #12 on: June 18, 2010, 07:18:48 AM »
Don't want to hijack or anything but I feel compelled to ask;

Mulch was a gift, even though Mil knew that he didn't want mulch.  Much like the waterwings in the waterwings post were an unwanted gift.  By the reactions to gift giving in the waterwings post, I would have thought the reaction to mulch dumping would be different.  How are the two situations so different?

cremebrulee

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #13 on: June 18, 2010, 07:22:35 AM »
Don't want to hijack or anything but I feel compelled to ask;

Mulch was a gift, even though Mil knew that he didn't want mulch.  Much like the waterwings in the waterwings post were an unwanted gift.  By the reactions to gift giving in the waterwings post, I would have thought the reaction to mulch dumping would be different.  How are the two situations so different?

because the SIL told the MIL before she got the mulch that he didn't want it, it was the last thing he wanted....

In regards to the water wings it's my understanding, that the father had already gotten the gift...and then the daughter told him that they probably wouldn't use them....plus if the father had known his son in law didn't approve of water wings, he probably would have not purchased them....but I'm just guessing...



« Last Edit: June 18, 2010, 07:33:05 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline Pooh

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Re: DIL and I are just totally different people
« Reply #14 on: June 18, 2010, 07:36:01 AM »
Yes, what Creme said.  I believe since he nicely explained to her ahead of time that he didn't want the mulch and what his plans were, plus this is a trend she has always done with them, that it was different.  I think the big difference too is that she doesn't do things for them because she wants to be nice, she tends to do them because that is how SHE wants it to be with total disregard for their wishes.  This is not the first time she has done something like this and normally he justs sits back and doesn't say anything. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell