Author Topic: I just can't...  (Read 6039 times)

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Offline Lillycache

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I just can't...
« on: April 08, 2013, 07:42:40 AM »
Hello everyone!   Just stopped by to run this past all of you wise women.  If you remember, my DIL and I had a HUGE falling out 3 years ago.  I was not allowed to see my Grandchildren for almost a year.  I was not invited to the GS3's first birthday, my GS1's first Communion, holidays and other occasions.  My son finally got her permission to bring the kids around to see me and I have been seeing them about 3 or 4 times a year now.  I've been fine with that..  I've enjoyed seeing them when I could, and haven't really been missing the interaction between myself and my DIL... which was quite odd toward the end.
 
Anyway... Saturday, in the mail, was an invitation to my Granddaughters first Communion.  There was one for myself and dh.. and a separate on for my older son.  I am quite confused by this.   Why now?  Why bother?  I have had no contact with DIL in 3 years.  I have just about made up my mind that I am not attending.  Why would I want to put myself in the position of being uncomfortable knowing my every move,  my every facial expression, my every word was being mentally recorded and critiqued by my DIL and her Mother and her Aunt?  And knowing more than likely it would be plastered all over her favorite discussion groups for review and ridicule.  I just don't care that much anymore about being included in her extended family and have been quite satisfied with how things are now.   I guess I just wanted your input..  Am I being callous.. or mean... or anything that I shouldn't be?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2013, 08:02:19 AM »
Good to see you, LC - I think you may get very diverse suggestions to this one. Mine would be to go with your gut. Quote:" I just don't care that much anymore about being included in her extended family and have been quite satisfied with how things are now." Not going isn't about a lack of forgiveness from my perspective, it's about your hard-earned self respect and peace.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pooh

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2013, 08:12:33 AM »
Ooooh tough situation.  On one hand, I agree, go with your gut.  On the other, I'm thinking what if DS was the instigator and wants you there since he's been bringing the kids to see you and it's about GD and not really DIL's family?

I'm no help.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2013, 08:22:10 AM »
Ooooh tough situation.  On one hand, I agree, go with your gut.  On the other, I'm thinking what if DS was the instigator and wants you there since he's been bringing the kids to see you and it's about GD and not really DIL's family?

I'm no help.

Yes, it occured to me that it was DS's doing.  I don't reconize the printing on the envelope, but I don't know his handwriting either..  There has been no conversation between him and I regarding the  event..  It would have been nice if he had discussed it with me prior to just sending the invitation.  Am I being set up by him?  Is he wanting to see what I will do, and hold it against me? Am I being set up by her?  The RSVP is to DIL's email.   I am not that concerned with GD being upset if I don't attend.  She is pretty used to me not being included in things.  I don't think she will be hurt.. or even give it a whole lot of thought.     And to be perfectly honest.. I'm more concerned with protecting myself at this point.   I just DON'T trust her. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2013, 08:34:58 AM »
Then there is your answer :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2013, 08:40:23 AM »
But I feel guilty.. for some reason..  Like if my son feels he has had a break trhough of sorts with this.  I know he tried for a long time to be mediator..  it didn't work.  I'm going to have to talk to him about it.  Carefully.  I don't want to suddenly be the bad guy here.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2013, 08:54:34 AM »
I didn't think of that. Just thought it was from DIL. It is probably time to talk with your son about it. Assumptions and guesses can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. If it feels right, let him know how you feel, what it took to get there and the reason you are choosing not to take a step backward into poor self-esteem.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2013, 10:08:39 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Lillycache

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2013, 10:02:53 AM »
I didn't think of that. Just thought it was from DIL. It is probably time to talk with your son about it. Assumptions and guesses can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. If it feel right, let him know how you feel, what it took to get there and the reason you are choosing not to go.

You certainly are correct.  It was a long arduous road to get to the level of peace and contentment I feel now.  I no longer dwell on the subject, nor do I harbor destructful anger.  I just feel happy.   I don't want to EVER go back to the place I once was.  I'm afraid that my hard won peace is fragile and I am not ready to risk losing it and being dragged back down through the mud.  Nothing is worth that to me.  Not my GKs... not my Son... I have just come to far to risk losing ME to that drama again.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2013, 10:06:02 AM »
Good for you!  :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Scoop

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2013, 10:12:40 AM »
I think you should go.  Go and be yourself.  Be nice to the people you know and like, and be civil to the rest.  Treat them like co-workers from a place you worked 3 years ago, that you hated.  Sure, you hated it and it was awful, but you're not there anymore and if they want to maintain old grudges, oh well, it's their energy.

Pick a nice gift for DGD and congratulate her and tell her how proud you are.

Seriously, what's the worst that can happen?  DIL will hate you ... more?  You already know that she hates you, so what?  As long as you don't cause a scene, she, her M and her A can nit-pick all they want, and really, they will anyway.  Luise says that it's none of our business what other people think of us and that is TRUE.  You didn't make them think the worst of you, you can't make them think the best of you.

The *real* worst that can happen is that your DS and DGD are hurt, because you rejected what DS might consider as an olive branch.  I don't know, I couldn't risk it.

And if you go, please wear a bracelet in honour of WWU, so that you know that we're with you, cheering you on.

Good luck.  Let us know.

Offline freespirit

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #10 on: April 08, 2013, 11:08:15 AM »
I'm with Scoop on this one. I say..."knock 'em dead". Turn on all your charm, laugh,  have a ball, and if the aunt and the rest of the gang are observing you from the distance, what sweeter a revenge than showing you are having the greatest time. I also think your GD will notice you being there and she will appreciate it. She may even spend most of the time with you.
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Keys Girl

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2013, 03:19:14 PM »
LC, I wouldn't go.  If there's no verbal communication and something just pops in via the mail???? What if the mail was lost?   If your son can't speak to you about an invitation, I wouldn't be in any hurry to attend anything, especially if you don't trust DIL. 

It crossed my mind that your DIL might just want to rock the boat now that there is a pattern of you and your son and GS getting together in an amicable way.   

I think the worst that can happen is that the emotional scars are ripped open again, and you are back on the hostility treadmill.

Love many, trust few (forget who said it, but it's helpful),

Good luck,
KG
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Offline confusedbyinlaws

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2013, 05:32:08 PM »
It sounds like you are on speaking terms with your son.  Why not tell him you are confused and ask him why now?  I can see why you are confused.   I definately wouldn't go without having more information.  You don't know if your DIL wants you there or what her motives are for inviting you or allowing your son to invite you.  Maybe things have cooled down for your DIL and she is willing to put your differences aside for her husband and children, but you don't know that and you don't trust her.  Perhaps it's just that your son and grandkids want you there and they are winning the battle.  It does sound like your son wants you in their lives at least.
 It doesn't sound like you want to go or that you want to have more interaction with your DIL and her family.  If it's working that you can see your son and grandkids without your DIL present, why change that?  You don't miss her and perhaps she doesn't miss you.  If i were in your shoes I would probably talk to my son about it.    But like others have said "go with your gut"

Offline confusedbyinlaws

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2013, 05:50:58 PM »
I agree with what Scoop and freespirit say about going and having a good time and not allowing DIL or anyone else's opinion about you or their behavior affect you.  That being said, we aren't all in a place where we can do that especially in relationships that have a bad history or with someone who pushes your buttons.  I have been given the same advice about being with my MIL, that I should go and hold my head high and not allow her scrutiny and criticism affect me.   I understand that it's easier said than done.  I hope to get to a place where I can do that, but I am not there.  The way I feel at this point when asked if I want to visit them is "hell no"  but then I feel guilty and think I'm being "callous or mean"  It sounds like you are feeling the same way?

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: I just can't...
« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2013, 06:07:41 PM »
Who says you have to choose?  It is a religious ceremony and you can arrive at the last minute, make sure your DS and GC know you are there and skip out before anything untoward happens.  Win, win. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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