Author Topic: FOR ALL  (Read 1705 times)

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catchingup

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FOR ALL
« on: May 15, 2010, 08:57:38 AM »


 I wonder if as many people on this forum can answer these questions--Just yes or no!

!) Did your mother-in-law/laws interfere
2) Do you get on with your daughter-in-law/laws

Offline Pen

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2010, 09:11:09 AM »
1) First marriage - yes, second - no


2) No (we like her, she doesn't like us.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Hope

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2010, 12:30:06 PM »
!) Did your mother-in-law/laws interfere - No

2) Do you get on with your daughter-in-law/laws - Try to, but very strained.

MagicGram

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2010, 06:45:33 PM »
I have 5 children: four boys and a girl and 2 DILs and two grandchildren.

1. Yes, mildly and when I dealt with it, it stopped.  After the first year, I didn't have much trouble from my MIL, just an occasional odd comment.  She was dissatisfied with her life and wanted to be the center of attention in her children's lives, but none of them were having any of it, so we supported each other and she had no way to play us off against one another.  I was married to her third child and my first child was her ninth grandchild.  The old siblings in-law had much more trouble with her and had to break her in and it caused a lot of drama--but that was before my time.  She tried with me but when I laid down boundaries, she backed off.  She didn't want to go through 'that' again.  Things went well for a couple of decades, until just a few months before she died, she deteriorated and was very difficult to deal with--but that was understandable and overlooked.  She was never on my list of favorite people, but I could spend a couple afternoons a month with her.

2.  Yes, I get along very well with my DILs.  I am close friends now with both my DILs parents, the six of us (all the parents in laws) all go out together.  We are such a diverse group, different religions and cultures and between the six of us, we were born in 4 different countries.  We have such good times and all because of the kids.  Oddly enough, it just occcured to me we never talk about the kids, except maybe exchanging childhood stories (When Fay was six...), we talk very little about them and there marriages, not even things like, have you seen their new garden...  Hmmm...maybe that's why we get on famously.  We discuss our mutual grandchildren endlessly.  My DILs and I chat on the phone and visit.  They call me about as often as I call them about once a month.  Without ever discussing it we've gallen into a pattern of initiating contact alternately.  If I initiated contact last time, I won't again until she has.  (unless like last week I got 6 free rooms thru work at Shades of Green resort ad Disney world..have to share THAT).  My sons call about every ten days one of them, and the other every week, sometimes twice a week.  I seldom call them except for family business or to follow up on a discussion we had previously. Thy both usually call when theyare driving somewhere and aren't good at the long cozy chit chat conversations I have with my DILs.  I have one unmarried son and daughter still living at home, one in college the other in grad school.  And another unmarried son living several states away.  He calls every Snday and we talk for 45 minutes.  He's just starting to get iserious about a young woman.  I don't know too much about her. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2010, 08:05:18 PM »
There is a way you can take a pole on our site...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dirtyglassgrl

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2010, 08:47:54 PM »
I get along famously with my dh's mother and his sister.  He gets along well with my parents too.  We visit my former inlaws often, we do not get along with his father's current wife at all, she is the only one that has delibrately interferred and started trouble and caused us hurt over the years.

1Glitterati

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2010, 07:03:23 AM »
1)  Not terribly much interference.  Mostly small stuff you could just answer "hmmmmm" or "we'll see" to and then ignore it.  Interference was never really their game.

2)   I don't have dils yet.

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2010, 09:10:55 AM »
1) My now-xh's mother had died before he and I met, and his father's wife did not see herself as a MIL, so there was no interference in that regard.  (Although, my xh always said that, had his mother been alive, she would've moved in with us and raised our son for us.  I can only hope that was an expression of how much xh missed her, versus something she'd actually have done.)  My own family, however, was a huge, nasty, meddlesome issue, which I allowed to happen, and didn't even really see as a problem because I was that enmeshed with them.

2)  My son is a teenager, and beyond him telling me that he's dating someone, and me asking how his date went (in a conversational way, not grilling for details), I stay out of it.  My son trusts me enough that sometimes he comes to me for a post-mortem when a relationship ends, but I'm pretty balanced and neutral about giving him my impressions.  (And most of them at this point consist of explaining to him why some of the things he says and does might not be taken positively by a girl, or asking him whether he's taken her feelings into account in a given situation.)  My goal is to have him be able to be a good partner to the girls he chooses to be with, and I trust him to make good choices in that regard. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Birdy

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2010, 09:30:26 PM »
1. Yes - but I think it was because my DH allowed it.  Once I moved in and we started sharing expenses, I slowly started backing away from asking my parents financial questions and advice in general.  Once we were engaged my parents were not told anything along the lines of my or our financial standings.  My DH on the other had continued to go to his mom for advice and inform her of income tax refunds, raises, salaries etc...  DH also told her some very personal information about me.  I found out that she in turn told his brother who told his girlfriend who told me.  I was not happy.  I will say it took me a loooong time to realize that although my MIL should not have relayed this very personal information to her other son.  DH should have kept his mouth shut.  So, from that I realized that my problem wasn't always my MIL, that might just have a DH problem.

2.  I love my MIL and feel that we get along for the most part.  Issue arise when she expects me to handle and deal with things the way their family does.  She doesn't get that I came from a totally different family with different ways of doing things and handling situations.

cremebrulee

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2010, 04:12:53 AM »
1. Yes - but I think it was because my DH allowed it.  Once I moved in and we started sharing expenses, I slowly started backing away from asking my parents financial questions and advice in general.  Once we were engaged my parents were not told anything along the lines of my or our financial standings.  My DH on the other had continued to go to his mom for advice and inform her of income tax refunds, raises, salaries etc...  DH also told her some very personal information about me.  I found out that she in turn told his brother who told his girlfriend who told me.  I was not happy.  I will say it took me a loooong time to realize that although my MIL should not have relayed this very personal information to her other son.  DH should have kept his mouth shut.  So, from that I realized that my problem wasn't always my MIL, that might just have a DH problem.

2.  I love my MIL and feel that we get along for the most part.  Issue arise when she expects me to handle and deal with things the way their family does.  She doesn't get that I came from a totally different family with different ways of doing things and handling situations.

Birdy, why don't you have a talk with her?  Get her attention, and sit down with her and have a really nice and honest talk...most people, and I don't know why, fail to understand the simple fact of each of us owning our very own personal culture...just explain to her, what you said here, and then after the conversation, tell her you love her dearly. 

I would also have a heart to heart with your DH...explain to him, that if he needs to remain loyal to you, that you are very upset that he relayed personal information which you told him in confidence and trust, and he broke that trust...let him know how serious this is...and how it really hurt your feelings...

your finances should also be between you and he, and not have anything to do with any one else, that is your personal business...

Good Luck

cremebrulee

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2010, 04:23:02 AM »


 I wonder if as many people on this forum can answer these questions--Just yes or no!

!) Did your mother-in-law/laws interfere
2) Do you get on with your daughter-in-law/laws

yes, my mother in law interferred, big time, however, we had a very good relationship...

No, we didn't, but we are slowly mending ways...after 12 years....


Offline luise.volta

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2010, 09:54:01 AM »
Why not try using the pole-taking feature on our site. Especially if you want yes and no answers.  ;D

Someone did that before and it worked well.

This is a caring and sharing place...so a question always brings about discussion. Itsn't that wonderful?

Sending love...
« Last Edit: May 17, 2010, 10:07:56 AM by luise.volta »
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Terri

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Re: FOR ALL
« Reply #12 on: May 17, 2010, 11:53:06 AM »
1. MIL interferred but I just shrugged it all off and never got mad at her.

2. One DIL hates me and the newest one loves me.