If you read through the posts here, you'll see that it's never hopeless. It seems to me that your relationship with your DIL started with some unfortunate miscommunications and now things have snowballed into actual hostility. Putting myself in your DILs shoes, I think I'd be insulted if my FMIL wanted us to postpone the wedding. They were already living together so asking them to hold off getting married can sound like "It's okay for you to have sex with my son, but I don't want you officially in the family." As a mother, I sympathize with you wanting your DS to finish college, but people often get messages from our words and actions that we don't mean to convey. You don't say whether your son finished college and if he is currently gainfully employed.
Regarding the alcohol at the rehearsal dinner, you don't say why DIL didn't want any there. If it was for religious reasons or a history of alcoholism in her family or she had a previous relationship with an alcoholic, it's pretty understandable. It would have been nice if that info had been shared before you paid for the wine, but wine has a pretty long shelf-life, so hopefully you've been able to use it in the two years since the wedding. It's possible that DIL thought you knew she wouldn't want alcohol there or DS was supposed to have told you much earlier and he dropped the ball.
I am not that outdoorsy myself, so I can sympathize with DIL not wanting to canoe or camp or hike. If you suggested doing something and she said No, then you tried to change her mind, I can see how she would view you as pushy. Some people have an extremely low tolerance for trying to have their minds changed. She may be of the mindset "I already said NO, case closed!" It's possible that you unknowingly touched on a sensitive topic. Maybe she was sent to a summer camp where she was bullied. Maybe she was teased by her own family for not being outdoorsy. Maybe she was once literally lost in the woods. When our AC get married and bring someone new to the family, it can be quite the balancing act in accommodating new views with long-standing traditions. Just because DS enjoys outdoor activities doesn't mean his wife has to bite the bullet and start going on family canoeing trips. That's something between them.
I am someone who thinks written thank you notes are a necessity upon receipt of a gift. However, I have to acknowledge that in the past few decades thank you notes are considered optional or even useless by a segment of the population. DS and DIL not sending thank you's for their wedding gifts is their decision. Maybe they're being deliberately rude. Maybe they are just lazy. Maybe they just don't care. Don't take their decision as a reflection on you. If you don't want to give gifts to people who do not acknowledge the gift, that's your decision, but you'll only give yourself an ulcer holding a grudge about it or assuming they are trying to make a dig at you.
Only calling when they want something and moving without giving a new address is immature and rude. I can't blame you for not wanting anything else to do with them. I applaud you no end for being ok with sister throwing a baby shower even though you don't want to go. I cringe when people draw in other relatives into a dispute. It serves no purpose and will make things worse 99% of the time. I would suggest getting counseling for yourself before you make the rather huge decision to not have any contact with a GC. That's the type of decision that it can be nigh on impossible to recover from. A trained professional who can be objective and with whom you can give all the details might be able to help you find a way to connect with your GC without being victimized by DS and DIL.
Good Luck.
Topic: Is it hopeless? (Read 2686 times)
