April 23, 2019, 04:06:11 am


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Problems with my father

Started by Helen, March 18, 2013, 06:19:43 am

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


Hello everybody! I have been thinking for a while to write somewhere online about my problem and to see what others think about it but I just couldn't find the right site. I will try to make the story short. It all started 22 years ago when my mother made the mistake of her life which is marrying my father. She was a divorced, beautiful, young woman, with a child ( my sister). From the beginning, this marriage failed as both my mom's and dad's parents were against it because dad had a severe alcohol problem while dad's mother didn't like my mom because she was divorced and with one child.

My grandmother never accepted this marriage, she never accepted me as a grand-daughter, not to speak about my sister. Grandmother kept trying to establish a horrible relationship between me and my sister, she kept calling my sister bad names and telling me that she is a bad person. She never succeeded though because the bond between my sister and I is too strong for a mean person to break it. She is like a mother to me. My parents' marriage was awful. Dad was a nightmare husband: didn't help mom financially at all, never respected her, talked bad things about my mom with his mother. I even witnessed once how they were both laughing about my mom, grandparents. They were laughing about my sister because she has an eye problem. I cried so much that day and I was only 5.

I matured very quickly because of this kind of life. In the end, my mother and all her relatives convinced dad to stop drinking and he didn't drink for almost 18 years. You'd think the family like would change, but no, it got worse and worse. They were great parents to me and I'm thankful for that but we never were a normal family. The real family was mom, sister and I. When we're together we are so happy. We laugh, cook, watch tv, talk, go shopping. When he comes a negative atmosphere sets in instantly. Everybody goes in his own room.

Last summer, after his mom's death, my father left mom and moved in that house. We all respected his decision. The only problem is that he started drinking again after so many years and he causes my mother so many troubles. I fear for mom. She's worried everyday. He doesn't let her live her live, he scares her all the time. When he drinks, he goes insane, he even forgets who am I to him. He is able to kill. He yells, hits. In June I came home from college for summer holiday, I had good grades and we all decided to celebrate. He came a little drunk and started yelling and throwing chairs, he almost broke the most expensive things we have in the house bought by my mom and sister. He hit me in the head. After this event I couldn't sleep normally all summer. He never apologized, he even denied that he was drunk!!! Anyway, we tried and tried to convince him to stop drinking but he denies everything. He says he's not drinking.

I'm 22 and in college. I have my life ahead, I'm young but I can't concentrate on my life, I can't concentrate on having a relationship with a boy because I'm ashamed of what's happening in my family. I'm so sad and I cry everyday. I think about my mom. She is such a lovely woman. She's a man's dream and is a perfect mother and wife. I will never forgive him for ruining my mother's life. He is messing my life now too. Why does he have to disappoint me every time? Why can't he just be a good man? Because of him, I hate all men around me and I'm scared to even date someone.

Sorry for writing this long, boring post, but I just had to speak out everything I had inside. Now I have to wipe off my tears and walk strong again. Probably this is our destiny, to always be hurt by this man.

Thank for reading my boring story and sorry for mistakes. I'm not a native English speaker


Welcome Helen.  When you get a moment, please read the topics under "Open Me First".  It explains the rules and the way the forum works.  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all new members to do so.

So sorry for what you are going through.  I'm afraid I can't comment to much, because of my line of work, and my stoic beliefs about this, I would be the first one to say to call authorities on him if he ever hit you again.  Your Mother is going to have to do the same or you are going to have to, .  I have a non-wavering line when it comes to this type of thing.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


Hello Helen, 

Your post really touched me. How very sad for you to have had lived through such a childhood.

As a child you are vulnerable and can't take control. But now at 22, you are an adult, and a pretty smart one. I could tell from your post, and especially how good your English is.

You are blessed with your intelligence and the fact that you are attending a college. This is your new life; this is the opportunity for you to open new doors. Close those other doors behind you. Set yourself a goal. Do as well as you can in school, get a good job, and then you, your mother, maybe even your sister can move far away from your father. Hold that vision whenever you feel down.  Feel the hope, concentrate on your studies, look forward to the future and know not all is lost. 

The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne


Helen, given what you have gone through and are continuing to go through I would personally urge you to seek professional guidance to deal with this abuse.  I would also urge you to seek guidance for your mother and sister if they are willing.  I am so sorry to hear that you have had to go through this.  You do not deserve it.  Good Luck! xo


To me, what you describe fits into the category of crisis. We are not professionals here and you are describing overt abuse. I agree that you need to get help. Your concern is extremely important and needs to be focused where you can get backup. We can send love and caring...we can listen and offer our take on it...but you need more. Please seek it immediately. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama