Author Topic: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law  (Read 8697 times)

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Offline LadyStar

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Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« on: March 18, 2013, 06:13:36 AM »
I am new and not really sure where else to turn maybe someone here can help.  I have a really hostile, angry daughter in law.  I made the mistake of allowing my son and his wife to move in.  It was a bad move and I acknowledge it.  She tollerates me as she does most people.  I know her background and understand that she has never had any security in her life, if what she says is true.   I also understand to a point how hard it is to be raising three children all under the age of 4 and from what she says has horrible pain for the past two years, but Dr. cannot seem to find the cause.   WIth that said I think there is something more to this.   Her anger can escalate if you say anything that she takes the wrong way.  I have text message from her that most people would have thrown her out of their home, but I cannot do that to my son and grandchildren. So I tollerate her.  But lately it is effecting my health and I am becoming extreemly depressed.  She can be violent in fact at one time she got so mad at me she my son had to step in.  Once she gets mad she just looses control.    I know I need to make a decision, and that they need to leave, but what that will probably mean is that I will never see the grandchildren again.  Betweeen she and my son they are bankrupting me.  This probably sound silly but I am afraid to push them for fear they will make my life even worse and I must keep my job.   At this point in time she is not talking to me after I would not do something she wanted.  I don't know what to do, I need them out of my house and I am afraid to take the steps I need to take.   Can anyone help?

Offline Pooh

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2013, 08:37:48 AM »
Welcome pj.  Please take a moment to read the posts under "Open Me First" that explains the forum rules and the way we flow.  Nothing wrong with your post, we ask all new members to do this.

It sounds like you know what you need to do.  You have to take your life back and they need to be out on their own.  If it's beginning to affect your health and well-being, then it's not good for anyone.  I know you love your GC and Son, but it's not going to be good for the GC to see the tense situations.  Yes, your fear is well founded that they could take the GC and you could never see them again, but you deserve some peace in your life.  You've done for them and it's time they do for themselves.  Since your Son stepped in, can you communicate with him?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline LadyStar

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2013, 09:00:34 AM »
That is good advice my only probem is not sure how to do it.   I am not mobile as in physically challenged and I have asked them to leave more than once, but in anger and then things blow over and we move on.   My son I think is afraid to move out becasue he may not be able to make it and my fault that he relies on me as a back up.  But it has to change as I want my own life.   His wife and I will never be close as all her life she has simply used people to survive, and I have accepted that after this past weekend that no matter what I do I am wasting my time.

I hate to loose my son, but I don't see anyway around it and I just cannot continue to support them and myself.  I am retirement age and cannot keep on working at this pace.  Problem is if they don't want to leave then I will have to evict them and honestly not sure I will survive that.  Also it would be very difficult to just put them on the street with 3 GC.

But the daughter in law needs professional help, it is all the yelling and screaming that goes on.  And the two older ones are a handfull

They need their own place but cannot afford it that is why they are here.  I need all the advice I can get.  I am going to start saying no to my son, and if he cannot afford something then he will just have to do without.  He and I were close and still are to a degree, but I also support that his first priority is his wife and children and not me.  I also don't want to be in the middle of them.  I wish she would just go live with her mother and them them all with her.   

Offline Pooh

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2013, 12:36:09 PM »
It's so hard when you have them living with you.  I'm not sure your position and can only answer for my own personality.  I would sit DS down and give him a date to be out by, explaining your health and finances can not support them any longer.  Sometimes the hardest love is tough love.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline LadyStar

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2013, 02:17:41 PM »
You are absolutely correct.  I am hoping there may be others that are in this postion and can give suggestions.  As it is right now she has decided to keep the grandchildren away and is not speaking to me for the simple reason I was really depressed and made reference on how I sometimes did not want to even be here anylonger.  Did not mean I was going to do anything rash, but her response was if I was to do it quickly so as not to waste time.  I feel sorry for her as she is so young and her attitude will only hurt her as she goes forward in life.   

fangle

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2013, 03:17:14 PM »
Hello,  This is a sad situation.  You have shown great love for your Son, DIL and GC.  It appears clear IMO that your DIL needs to seek proper treatment to deal with her pain issues as they are boiling over and she is allowing herself to take it out on you, whether she thinks that is right or wrong - it is unacceptable.  You need to look after yourself so that you are well set up for your retirement.  My humble suggestion would be to talk to a counsellor or unbiased/reasonable family member about the situation and get some assistance in your area to help you also with the nuts and bolts of the process to put a plan into place.  You deserve respect.  Your Son and DIL are adults and I know you love them, however, they really should be looking for treatment options and housing options for themselves.  This is not your responisibility.  Look after yourself first, then if you have energy left, maybe you could give them some brochures or something if you think that they won't take it the wrong way.  I wish you all the very best.  Good Luck! xo

Offline FAFE

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2013, 04:11:45 PM »
They're in your house and she is keeping the GC away from you and not talking to you?  Excuse me but that would start WW3 with me and mine if they were doing this to me.  The best thing to do for them is to let them go.  They created their family and between the two of them, they should be able to maintain it.  I know this probably sounds very harsh but your health and peace of mind should count for something.  Hope y'all can work it out.  hugs!

Offline LadyStar

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2013, 05:05:47 AM »
Thanks folks, your responses really are helping.  I have tolerated the situation for the GC and my S's sake, but you are absolutely corrent, this is my house, and I deserve respect above all.  I have decided that if she does not want to talk to me fine, and keep the GC away, OK but then you will not live in my home.      As it is now I am doing the cooking, buying all the food, paying all the utilities, etc., enought is enough.  And as for the attitude enough of that also.  If you cannot be respectful then keep out of my way.   I will miss the GC's a lot, and I know once I put my foot down I will never see them again, that is just the way she is, and I have to live with that, but then so does my S because I will not be there any longer as his go to gal. 

Thank you all for the support please keep it coming, it is helping me every day to be able to come here and vent/discuss.  All suggestions comments are really really welcome.

Offline FAFE

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2013, 07:45:16 AM »
Sweetie, what have you done for yourself today?  I would suggest you do something that you would not ordinarily do.  Instead of making lunch or dinner for everyone, tell them you have plans and if you don't do anything but go to McDonald's and get your self a hamburger or somewhere for coffee, don't be there for a meal.  Someone will have to feed the family.  Maybe do this a few times a week until they've moved out.  Pack a sandwich, go to a park, read a book.  Just be "unavailable" to be their caretaker, cook, laundress, etc.  And, close the bank!  Hugs!

Offline LadyStar

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2013, 02:41:11 PM »
That is a good suggestion.   Once I get taxes done (mine) and some other stuff, that is exactly what I am going to do.   They can fend for themselves.   I just asked when I was going to see the GC's and was told we have been busy, fine, and going forward I am too busy to cook, order groceries, run you where you need to go, etc.   Now it is my turn to make the excuses and just not be available.

I am not going to play the game anymore, and it took coming here to really realize that this is what it is, a game that is called take-away.  It is a cruel game and one that only hurts people, if you let people play it with you.

So no more you come up and be nice when you want something, or need something, but then when you don't get you way you pout or get angry or take away the GC visitation.   It is baby steps, but with each one I take I get more and more determined to take back ownership for my life and my home.  And yes they will be advised they need to move on little by little.  Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow but everyday with the support here it will happen.   Llike having HUD send them information, etc.  Like talking to Social Serivces about how they can get help.  And I made the blunt suggestion that they move in with HER mother, you know get a fresh start.

Keep that support coming, I so need it right now, and having all of you ladies means more than I can say.  Tt is going to be rough, they live here and they will make it horrible for me I know that .  I have let the situation go for way to long.

Offline Beth 2011

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2013, 05:58:49 PM »
Welcome Ladystar,
I am sorry to hear you are going thru so much turmoil with your AC and DIL.  You are in the right place for positive feedback as well as moral support.  We all have had similar experiences and I believe the common thread here is learning how to cope and accept what you cannot change and move forward with your life.  It's not easy.  I am in a better place now than I was 4 years ago.  Is there maybe someone that can come and be with you when you talk with your AC and DIL about them moving out?  Maybe even stay with you until they have moved out? Wishing you peace.   

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2013, 07:21:07 PM »
Good for you for aligning with self-respect. You're a role model…and that's an important lesson to teach!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

fangle

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2013, 09:01:12 PM »
I am beyond thrilled to be watching this process with all these ideas forming to take your life back for YOU!  I have an idea: Set your alarm earlier and pre-prepare all of your meals/snacks so that you don't have to eat in the house and so that any groceries that you buy for YOURSELF are already used up.  What about some volunteer work or the library for the days when they expect a ride?  Also, don't keep cash, leave it in the bank.  That way you have none if they want any - show them your empty wallet.  I hope that this works out for you, I really do! xo

Offline LadyStar

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Update: You all saved my life!!!
« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2013, 10:24:19 AM »
UPDATE!!!!
You all really don't know what you mean to me.  Let me share with you something.  This past weekend was the lowest point in my life I have ever faced.  Honestly I was praying that the Lord would just take me and end this all, as I could not go on.  And the message from the DIL when I tried to share was basically die and get it over with.  Sure so you can get insurance and my house.  Well Ladies that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Then in desperation I found this site, and I thought maybe, just maybe this will work.  I had prayed harder than I ever have, and here you all were.   Not a gripe site but an actual caring group of people.

For the past two nights I have been able to sleep, I am focused back on my job, I am actually cooking (which trust me I love), what I want to cook. I am not so tired that all I do is watch TV, and best of all I have been able to say NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO I will not stop what I am doing to do an errand.
NO I will not take care of your responsibilities.
NO I will not tollerate screaming, foul language, etc, in my home.
NO I will not continue to cook food that is not eaten.  If you don't like it cook it yourself.

YES my job will come first.  It pays the rent, cars, etc. and it is a very demanding job.
YES what I need to take care of will come first.
YES this is my house, I own it I set the rules.
YES I will love you all and be there as much as I can but not to the detriment of my health and life, but that is up to you. 

Each time I say NO I find is like a weight lifted.  That does not mean that I may backslide, or that somethings I am not ready to face, but it is a huge step for me.

Please just continue to be here so I can share my progress, it means so very much. 

For me this is a big step,  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Angry and Hostile Daughter in Law
« Reply #14 on: March 20, 2013, 10:31:50 AM »
:D :D :D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama