Author Topic: Having A Bad Day  (Read 1623 times)

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fangle

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Having A Bad Day
« on: February 18, 2013, 02:04:06 AM »
Hello Wise Women,

For some reason, today I have been plagued with thoughts about my MIL and FIL and why I have not ever been able to measure up in their eyes and why they have treated me so cruelly.  I have mentioned before that DH and I are estranged from them as they have been relentlessly inappropriately behaved toward us even though we have both tried to work it out with, but to no avail.  I am not exaggerating here.  In fact, I am the type of person who will try to simplify problems to make finding a solution easier.  I do not actually want to reconnect at this stage as I don't think that MIL or FIL would be willing to behave appropriately toward us.  I just can't seem to stop wondering if the way they treated me was personal or if they would have treated any woman in my position in the same way.  They have treated my SIL and BIL by marriage poorly and my FOO poorly and I believe that this might be due to the fact that these people pose a 'threat' to their control over their 'ways' - i.e. introduction of different ideas and customs.  MIL and FIL have been racist, rude, controlling, threatening, physically aggressive, verbally abusive, demeaning, have cried uncontrollably/hysterically in public at inappropriate times, have threatened suicide, have lied about me, have suggested that I have forced my DH to do things and have forced him into situations, have ignored communications from me, have ignored me, have pretended that I don't speak to them on occasion and I could go on for quite some time.  Most of the time when this has happened I have reacted in a way to appease them because this behaviour has either caught me off gaurd or frightened me, however, when they have been racist, I have let my feelings be known.  I just want to know why they have behaved like this to me.  Was I an easy target because I didn't talk back, shout back, retalliate, do the same thing to them?  Was I a threat?  DH wasn't particularly close with them anyway, were they just blaming me so they didn't think that this had anything to do with them?  Or, was the fear of the unknown and not being in control enough for them to try to control me, too?  I just don't get it, but I need to get it out of my head....  I would love to know your thoughts, Ladies. xo

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2013, 10:26:43 AM »
At one time or another I think we have all tried to make sense of the senseless. My take is it can't be done., F. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

fangle

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2013, 07:26:30 PM »
Thank you so much Luise! I should really tattoo that backwards on my forehead so I don't forget it.  I really was just having a bad day yesterday.  I ususally don't let it get to me.  It just crept into my thoughts and I couldn't get it out and I was alone yesterday and everyone else was busy.  I'm glad that I atleast have you ladies to talk to.  You ARE very wise and wonderful.  You should add an extra W!  My heartfelt thanks again Luise. xo

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2013, 08:10:07 PM »
F -  I know exactly what you are talking about. When my mind gets hooked on an injustice or an unfulfilled expectation, it's like a dog with a bone. And the more it focuses on the issue…the more it expands, of course. I used to battle my will against it…but it's all "me" and that didn't work well. I learned to journal my angst but then my husband started his long slow death (he's 101) and I had to turn to daily, rigorous (for me, at 86) exercise to beat the depression. My other tool after doing all of that is a good book, some audible that I listen to on my iMac and some read on my Kindle. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

fangle

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2013, 08:17:32 PM »
Wow 101! I'm sorry to hear he's not doing well, though.  You really are a gem, Luise.  I'm a pretty determined person in many ways myself, aswell.  Unfortunately this can carry over with me, too.  They are all good tips and I shall use them.  Thank you, I hope that you are having a great day! xo

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2013, 08:37:15 PM »
It's nearing bedtime where I live…USA - Pacific coast. And it has been a good day even with my frequent visits to our nursing facility. It was President's Day with no buses running. I no longer drive, so I didn't make it to the gym. It's called Curves. http://www.curves.com But I did a fast mile and a half in the woods with my dog! :-)

I'm glad you're feeling better!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

fangle

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2013, 08:43:58 PM »
Into the woods with your dog sounds like a wonderful day! Nite nite, sleep tight! xo

Offline Pooh

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2013, 10:51:03 AM »
I think it's just like anything else fangle.  I didn't go to college.  I had the means, the way and no excuse except I "fell" for a guy and got married instead.  I have a great job, a great life now, etc., but sometimes when I see a picture of a college graduation, I get bummed and think, "I wish..."   I know I could go back now, but I don't want to! Ha ha ha.  But I still get hit sometimes with the "I wish..."

None of us wanted our issues to be our issues.  None of us thought it would be this way and it's hard sometimes not to let the "I wish..." in.  It's normal and when I do, I pep talk myself by knowing I did my best.  The fact that my best wasn't up to par is on them, not me.  Same for you.  You tried, you did your best and it's their issue.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

fangle

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2013, 03:43:28 PM »
Thank you, so much, Pooh. xo

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2013, 09:14:03 AM »
The vast majority of the time, someone's actions speak about them rather than the recipient of the action.  Your IL's behavior is a reflection on them, not you.  It's only human nature to be on the receiving end of poor behavior and think "What did I do?"  You might want to spare a few minutes to reflect on whether you did something wrong (hmmmm, my spouse isn't talking to me....oh! I forgot our anniversary), but if can't figure it out, it's a safe bet that you didn't do anything wrong.  Sounds like you've spent a few minutes many times over on this.  Find away to let it go.  Their behavior is their problem.  Good luck finding a method to stop the internal dialogue on this.  Exercise, meditation, prayer, hobbies, journaling, interacting with others, volunteering - just some things to try.

fangle

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Re: Having A Bad Day
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2013, 09:05:43 PM »
Thank you very much for the great ideas herbalescapes!  I am doing some of them but others I will give a try. Thanks very much again. I am feeling much better now, was a rough day, but they do happen. xo