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Misdirected anger

Started by tryingmybest, February 15, 2013, 06:05:43 am

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I've noticed when DS and DIL seem to be going through a rough patch ("I've been thinking about divorce Mom") that seems to be when DS picks some ridiculous issue to get angry with me about, and pulls away. I know I am a "safe target" but I am getting tired of it. both of them seem to feel our only function in life should be to jump when we are needed. forget the fact that WE may have lives too.
I'm just getting tired of the selfish manipulation. To be honest. I never really liked my DIL, now I'm seeing her traits in DS and don't really like him much either. They sit together and just rip friends to shreds behind their back, up to and including making fun of their kids. Can only imagine what is said BEHIND our backs.  :-[ So, since heaven forbid I actually be anything but supportive to the young couple ( choking on eggshells here ladies) where do I direct MY anger? And btw, I shut down the divorce talk with "you need to talk to your wife, every couple has to work things out between the two of them. Of course I know HER parents know everything and love getting in the middle of all of it. But hey, they are the BRIDE's parents. My job continues to be wearing beige and keeping my opinions to myself?  ???


TMB - My take is this is where you direct your anger. You need to be heard. Anger seldom changes anything. It's about unfulfilled expectations. Their marriage is about them, you're doing extremely well to see that and you're redirecting DS's complaints. It's not your life or about your life issues. You did your best and they are out in the adult world making choices and facing or evading the consequences of those choices. Give yourself as much distance as you can. Look to see what brings you laughter and joy and focus there. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


TMB, good for you for letting your DS know you don't want to discuss his marriage or hear other trash talk; as tempting as it might be to jump in and say your piece, it will bite you later. IMO Luise's advice is spot on regarding putting the focus back on you. It seems to be working well for me & my DH, with a side benefit being a better relationship w/DS & DIL.

Thank goodness we have this site!

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Goodness, this doesn't sound very considerate on DS or DIL's part.  I think that a good idea might be to find some common ground with them that is apart from their issues.  For example, Gardening - and base your conversations with them around that.  Maybe you can even draw from their interests and your interests and try to increase that conversation.  If conversation begins to steer towards something negative simply say "Oh, someone's at the door, got to run", or "It's getting late, I'd better get home and put the dinner on".... etc.  They'll probably get the hint.  You don't need to hear that and you deserve respect as an individual.
Good Luck.


I also think we have to remove ourselves from the game.  Meaning, if you feel like you are jumping through hoops for them because they seem to only need you when they need something, make yourself "unavailable" during those times.  I learned to say, "Oh, I would love to see you but I was just running out the door to XXXXXX."
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell